Normandy

Normandy

10.25.2012

Read The Whole Thing (Trust Me, It wont end how you think it will)

I've been through a lot in my life. I may be 17 years old but that doesn't change the fact that I've been through so much and still going through a lot. When I was in elementary school, the neighborhood "older" kids used to bully/tease me because of many childish things, from the bike i rode on to the clothes I wore. And then came middle school...And what an agonizing, painful 4 years. 5th Grade? I was alone and knew like no one because its the beginning. 6th Grade? Near the end of the year my best friend died of Leukemia that was unknown until the bitter end of her life. 7th Grade? Kids bullied me so much. 8th Grade? That was the shittiest year ever. Why? Because, although I figured out my true sexual orientation, my friend turned on me and black-mailed me with my secret (I was still in the closet) AND when i told the school guidance counselor that i had a minor crush on her, she first over-reacted and then she constantly reminded me every time I needed counseling that i would not happen for the rest of the year(which i already knew from the beginning). She is the most unprofessional guidance counselor ever! Honestly I would flip out at her, tell her how she made me feel like shit hearing something i already knew for the rest of the year. And then comes High School. 9th Grade? I had major depression/anxiety issues. 10th? Not that bad because I came out of the closet. 11th Grade? A very confusing year.

And now. Senior Year.
Right now...Not the best...Kinda depressing.

And that ^ doesn't describe what happens in between all the different years, after school, etc. Many things have happened such as: My church friend moves back home to Illinois. Sister is constantly yelling at me. Outpatient program in 8th grade. My family-friend/renter is turning into a jerk.

Even now as I type this my life is many things but 3 words come to mind.
1. Loneliness
2. Pain
3. Depression

Loneliness 'cause I have like no one to talk to. I do school at home now because class is sooo stressful. And the weird thing is that i feel more alone at school then i do at home.

Pain because it hurts. All the memories. All the feelings from the memories. All the people who were once in my life but have moved on from me to other people.

Depression because it all makes me feel really sad.

But here is the thing... I DON'T want to end my life. I may not like growing older or growing up, moving on, or change in general. I want to keep going. Why? Because I can feel in my heart that I will feel better whether it's in 10 minutes or 10 months or even 10 years. I know my heart is right. I may have been through hell and back but I'd go through hell and back a million times cause i know my life will be better. 

I'm Michelle C. I'm 17 1/2 years old. I may not know what i want to do when i graduate high school.I may seem like i have a hard life. But I know it will become better. I may not be fearless, smart, or cool but i know what i am...


I Am Strong

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