tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50819960799872270402024-03-12T22:40:06.904-04:00My Blog :3My Place to Post Whatever I Want (within reason)Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comBlogger446125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-26148494804160754432024-03-08T04:10:00.003-05:002024-03-08T04:10:33.079-05:00Progression on the To-Do List<div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAfT_X7E9JBUj2vcwiT-TXX_KsCmu5u99Ky8zahFpsETU33cYxInkusevuoietVC9MavsLnc1qVI6ifdSbJJCQJzrMDfjPHX6UlmmsrtsfIT_PLrnsykG3slPCJiOksNFukk99__5wM9DBMtoEw41LHY8c1by7-NkUalfuE1ZzMp1C2HwaCs3ihWi8m-Y/s2560/brigitte-screenshot-001.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="2560" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAfT_X7E9JBUj2vcwiT-TXX_KsCmu5u99Ky8zahFpsETU33cYxInkusevuoietVC9MavsLnc1qVI6ifdSbJJCQJzrMDfjPHX6UlmmsrtsfIT_PLrnsykG3slPCJiOksNFukk99__5wM9DBMtoEw41LHY8c1by7-NkUalfuE1ZzMp1C2HwaCs3ihWi8m-Y/w640-h360/brigitte-screenshot-001.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div><div><br /></div>It's March already, though my last post was near the end of Feb, and I've progressed on some things on my to-do list.<div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Get through my playthrough of Mass Effect Andromeda on Playstation (because it's the last achievement I need. I am currently at Kadara Port) [progression] I'm now nearing/or on the last mission of the game. I've romanced Vetra and currently on the last mission HOWEVER, I've been like avoiding doing it because once it's done, then I have no reason to play on PS5. I mean I know I can play on PC but it feels kind of like a joy/sadness that it will be over...</li><li>Catch up on reading (both Manga and Novels/Books) [progression] I've read like 3-4 manga, though I have like 15+ manga I still need to read. And I have read a chapter of the Mass Effect Andromeda Novel 1 which I am almost done with. Still have like 9-10 chapters left.</li><li>Catch up on Anime (like re-watching Haikyuu! then reading the manga for the rest of the series, and watching the ones on my list) [Haven't really progressed]</li><li>Restart my workout on the Peloton (I stopped because I got sick with Covid, then I got really depressed. Not saying I am not depressed anymore but I think I might be doing a little bit better) [Havent really progressed, I got one or two workouts in but Im struggling getting back into the swing of things]</li><li>Finish the battle-pass of Overwatch 2 (which isn't too hard) [progression] I've completed the battle pass, though I am on the prestige part of the battlepass which is about half way done with titles.</li><li>Sketch more often than I currently am [progression] I've actually started (recently) sketching more in my sketchbook which makes me happy however I want to make new characters (either to use later or just to get my imagination working).</li><li>Continue working on my Comic. [no progression]</li><li>Prepare in ESO for the Gold Road Expansion (comes out in June? July?) [not sure how to progress this bullet point...]</li></ul></div></div>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-45785481486185749412024-02-20T22:18:00.001-05:002024-02-20T22:18:05.156-05:00I Dont Stick to My Plans<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1920" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwewKS9rC3iIhjyfqhl8b7vgm1c6PfHY_B94q8nLBM7HmtlQbMaDP5dcPD8-cGn1SAxlGbQvYPkrJit5nTp8G6hZZylo5QBcKFFkxn59iO2NqXgZSXS__6SX8HShV4cwzHmKxLOy_AKGU4YOTtnxwISILWeXmfa-ANXDm13KeWb0ETzaaXTPlH4GDgRA4/w640-h360/eb83595e803c2fe2268bafdba4bf7caf3367ddb4.jpg" width="640" /></div><p>I want to make a plan of things I want to do. Problem is that I never stick to the plans I make for myself, unless its like appointments or get-togethers. There are so many things I want to do.</p><p>I want to:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Get through my playthrough of Mass Effect Andromeda on Playstation (because it's the last achievement I need. I am currently at Kadara Port)</li><li>Catch up on reading (both Manga and Novels/Books)</li><li>Catch up on Anime (like re-watching Haikyuu! then reading the manga for the rest of the series, and watching the ones on my list)</li><li>Restart my workout on the Peloton (I stopped because I got sick with Covid, then I got really depressed. Not saying I am not depressed anymore but I <u><b>think</b></u> I <u><b>might</b></u> be doing a little bit better)</li><li>Finish the battle-pass of Overwatch 2 (which isn't too hard)</li><li>Sketch more often than I currently am</li><li>Continue working on my Comic.</li><li>Prepare in ESO for the Gold Road Expansion (comes out in June? July?)</li></ul><div>I wish Haikyuu! had a dub because then I could multitask by working on my comic/draw. Maybe I'll look at my list and see if there are other dubs to watch so I can multitask. I even have a spot on my [art] desk to have my iPad set up to watch vids on (or look at Pinterest for references).</div><p></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-74220107297069776982024-02-10T08:26:00.001-05:002024-02-10T08:26:27.090-05:00My (Updated?) Thoughts about Mass Effect Andromeda<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrVFG32Y9kBYRQ3mHnJsJgDYo8yCWkED2o1U3Fr5Ksit4t9olzzCBG-G9GYP4V32rsmAhU8MpZwt3m4hQ_jbip85L7CEPAa3GQ8getaefHobsleFsJgG06hi6qPhanj2lhbCbmyp7iW75Yiy01MbQkEFwA9j3Na_JM80wjJPnwOJFTHbbU-zW3gzcGSkE/s3840/772364.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2160" data-original-width="3840" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrVFG32Y9kBYRQ3mHnJsJgDYo8yCWkED2o1U3Fr5Ksit4t9olzzCBG-G9GYP4V32rsmAhU8MpZwt3m4hQ_jbip85L7CEPAa3GQ8getaefHobsleFsJgG06hi6qPhanj2lhbCbmyp7iW75Yiy01MbQkEFwA9j3Na_JM80wjJPnwOJFTHbbU-zW3gzcGSkE/w640-h360/772364.png" width="640" /></a></div>I've recently been playing Mass Effect: Andromeda (again, on PS4 though. And yes it's a comfort game of mine) and I've been having thoughts about it. Not bad ones. I still thoroughly enjoy this game, even with the minor inconveniences or bugs. And I am on the side of "Yes, I know its a Mass Effect game set in a different location/setting/time-period. And yes, I know it feels different but No, I don't care I still like it a lot".<p></p><p>Some thoughts:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>I like the open-world aspect of the game. I know Mass Effect Trilogy is a bit more linear(?) about where to go and it's locations (and parts of that is nice because sometimes I don't know what I should be doing so the quests feel a bit more confined and easier to get to) HOWEVER, exploring a new world in an open world setting is fun because there is so much to explore. And, in my opinion, it's not as slow or as barren as Starfield (even though Starfield came out after, note: I struggle getting past the intro to Starfield because its so goddamn slow).</li><li>I like the crew. We have a turian (Vetra Nyx), asari (Peebee, Dr. Lexi T'Perro), krogan (Drack), *spoiler* a new alien race crew member (Jaal Ama Darav), then of course the Human crew members (Cora Harper, Liam Costa, Gil Brody, Suvi Anwar, and obviously Ryder).</li><li>The character creation is a bit more in-depth on ME:A compared to ME:Trilogy, unless you have mods (which I haven't done...yet.). There are tattoos, scars (not like the renegade scarring), more variety to hair color and eye color. I will say one gripe about the Character Creation in ME:A is that I cannot match eyebrow color to their hair color. It's tied to the face/complexion/whatever you choose.</li><li>Another, minor, gripe I have is that the Maverick Helmet (the one I am currently using) doesn't really change color with my armor, or it doesn't have the same coloring as my armor like it's off by a shade or two.</li><li>(This maybe counts for both the Trilogy and Andromeda but...) I like that there are many romance options for Ryder (some depend on gender). I love Vetra and Peebee. On my current playthrough I am romancing Suvi, but its a bit slower going than the others but she's sweet so I shall stick to her. I wish that I could romance Cora as a Female but she is straight in the game :( </li><li>Another, a bit less minor, gripe is that on PS4 there are so many auto saves that I can have like only one manual save per playthrough, which makes I difficult to get achievements. In the past, when I didn't realize the save issue, I'd constantly get a message that I dont have room to save. And I was so confused but then later on I realized it was due to the damn auto-save function. Which you have no way of like saving less or turning off completely.</li><li>Another, very minor, gripe is that I wish they came out with some sort of DLC for the game. Like about Jien Garson's death. Maybe, I hope, they are working on a sequel to not only the Trilogy but also Andromeda. But I doubt that because many others were disappointed, uspet, did not like the game. I am one of a few, possibly rare few, that really like the game.</li><li>I liked the story for Andromeda. They ended on somewhat of a cliffhanger so I hope they really do make a sequel.</li></ul><div><br /></div><div>I need to finish the books of Mass Effect: Andromeda (Nexus Uprising, Initiation, and Annihilation). I am almost done with Nexus Uprising and it's been really good so far. Gives background to the Nexus Uprising (haven't seen any clues about the Benefactor nor clues on how Jien Garson died). The second book (Initiation), I believe, is based on Cora. </div><p></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-18067497442121100702024-02-04T02:20:00.003-05:002024-02-04T02:21:49.092-05:00COVID, Monthly "Gift", and Grief (Oh My!)I haven't posted in a while due to the fact that I've been very sick with Covid-19, and I am not quite sure how I caught it (don't worry, I am currently quarantining). And now it's February. And I got my Time-of-Month "gift". And I'm missing my mom immensely (again). So that's like a truck load of physical and emotional damage at once that hit me last week. The only "good" thing is that my "gift" is almost done. But I'm still emotionally and physically suffering from Covid-19 and my mom's birth/death anniversary (She was born on Feb 8th and died Feb 11th, 60-something years later in 2019).<div><br /></div><div>It's 2am and I'm trying not to spiral into the pit again.</div><div><br /></div><div>But I have to be honest, due to my spacier than normal brain and sleeping days away to rest, I've missed a few days of medication. I'll try my best to take them at a decent hour today (no promises because spacey brain and sleepy time).</div><div><br /></div><div>When I am awake and (semi)alert, I want to do things like draw, write, or game. But I either don't have the strength/alertness or my hands get super sweaty. That's been happening a lot with Covid. My hands (and feet) get super sweaty, making it difficult to draw or wear socks.</div><div><br /></div><div>This past time I fell asleep, I thought I was in dream world for a long time. I thought I died or something. When I opened my eyes, I questioned reality. Was I really awake? Am I still alive? Is this a dream?</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't want to be sick. Like, I was just sick in all of October last year.</div><div><br /></div><div>I want my life to go back to when I lived in my house with my mom. I would want her to be better obviously. (But at the same time, if my mom didn't die and I never moved to my apartment, I would have never met my cat KiKi who I love so much with all my heart. My cat is the reason I live today).</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCFvA9TGOwuRMDPxWjHrwawCvjPXP6O0oMAhZ-bAiXEerp5DjrT1UT0y0CLEnYmhBaIy36Ph3DLAdcmTFYoo9pB-GBQ-wvPp4bwadxGsKHPt2dHGJSyn_OqAbVCiTte-XSKtKkCRVHwcomBhH37v5JuzkEH6HypImGV39HuWxQZWZ8Urg2jwlQbJ14dIY/s562/tumblr_5e6db4012f4596aa61ccaaf806814a94_013c26c0_640.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="317" data-original-width="562" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCFvA9TGOwuRMDPxWjHrwawCvjPXP6O0oMAhZ-bAiXEerp5DjrT1UT0y0CLEnYmhBaIy36Ph3DLAdcmTFYoo9pB-GBQ-wvPp4bwadxGsKHPt2dHGJSyn_OqAbVCiTte-XSKtKkCRVHwcomBhH37v5JuzkEH6HypImGV39HuWxQZWZ8Urg2jwlQbJ14dIY/s16000/tumblr_5e6db4012f4596aa61ccaaf806814a94_013c26c0_640.gif" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-34644970453113026572024-01-21T03:00:00.005-05:002024-01-21T03:02:04.465-05:00It took me about half an hour to write this post (even though its not that long)<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiJr9fuHPOm1lsi231pS-s6cXkiqm28mDz3_n57UEd_EZkrxE3t9OWJxxAe3vjZd9tZCHwTfCLavaJBc17yaVNfgbs5awQ65vYgM1zL0tNs6jcff4ExGO56LyfiClD9Xqw3rMruqDJ0IPB3vmGaNfnPi2BP7uSBkxAR1zkM-iYserd6WPB7eTS-0iYyqg/s1077/Screenshot_20230822_105036.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1077" data-original-width="725" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiJr9fuHPOm1lsi231pS-s6cXkiqm28mDz3_n57UEd_EZkrxE3t9OWJxxAe3vjZd9tZCHwTfCLavaJBc17yaVNfgbs5awQ65vYgM1zL0tNs6jcff4ExGO56LyfiClD9Xqw3rMruqDJ0IPB3vmGaNfnPi2BP7uSBkxAR1zkM-iYserd6WPB7eTS-0iYyqg/w269-h400/Screenshot_20230822_105036.png" width="269" /></a></div>It's currently 2:30-ish am when I started writing this post. I have updated my blog's font and layout (and a few other things) this morning. No significant changes though. I had a coffee around 5pm yesterday (Saturday) and it's kept me awake since, which is semi-frustrating because I was working on fixing my sleep. Time to re-fix it again (lol).<p></p><p>On ESO, I've been leveling my (new) Nightblade Wood Elf (Maxx-Of-All-Trades) and using my main/templar to do misc/daily tasks along with fishing (Momo Mender Of All Wounds). With my nightblade, I am currently grinding out Alliance Assault War Skill for Caltrops (which is a pain to get, even with the Colovian War Torte which gives 50% boost to AP). I always, however, return to fishing with my main as a relaxing thing to do while watching YT or Anime (or listening to Distractible)</p><p>I've been playing "comfort games" over "new games", even though I have a long list of games (PS5 and PC) that I wanna start (ESO being the main comfort game). The list on PC is much longer than PS5 but I really wanna reignite my playthrough on Yakuza Series which happens to be on PS5/PS4.</p><p>I am now debating about rescinding my trying to give a daily mood update BECAUSE, in all honesty, I am pretty neutral when it comes to how I am feeling by the end of the day. And even if I was able to make notes throughout the day on my mood, I'd still like neutral about things unless something significant happens (Good or Bad). Even though some might not agree, I am pretty grey in the sense of Black/Bad and White/Good when I am doing better. Like I am not feeling like Im in a pit of darkness/despair/hopelessness NOR am I feeling like rainbows, sunshine, and pure happiness. Grey. I am currently grey.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz_gaLh4AwwmBnFA3MH-B94lHAYnwJyb1YuZ6xcGDQs8OhF0py8yg68DQuLSExcm3kkdiMSJ_0atZsLVPK4RxaIzigGrLB1d6m5JTqkPVBdXbtq8s03AGlgNTsZVHhU4SnZPME9Zl4YmyPIGnO9TpZ7rz1RUTJ9cLlaYoQiWPlbivqSgmGuexDAHwuV0w/s4032/20240120_211951.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2535" data-original-width="4032" height="402" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz_gaLh4AwwmBnFA3MH-B94lHAYnwJyb1YuZ6xcGDQs8OhF0py8yg68DQuLSExcm3kkdiMSJ_0atZsLVPK4RxaIzigGrLB1d6m5JTqkPVBdXbtq8s03AGlgNTsZVHhU4SnZPME9Zl4YmyPIGnO9TpZ7rz1RUTJ9cLlaYoQiWPlbivqSgmGuexDAHwuV0w/w640-h402/20240120_211951.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><div style="text-align: center;">(Here is my desk set up for traditional artwork. I want to work on my Copic Marker Coloring and Inking with G-Pen Nibs. The list on the book holder is my grocery list lol)</div><p><br /></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-24344492595264176912024-01-18T19:17:00.006-05:002024-01-18T19:21:03.979-05:00Gonna try a thing (for myself)<p>So I'm gonna try a thing. I'm going to do my best to make a post (hopefully) daily to keep track of my mood and mental state. I will start next week on Sunday so it can start on a fresh week. I hope this will work. My therapist(s) suggest that I keep a journal about how I am doing but I like posting my emotions, feelings, etc. on this blog. And even though others can see it, I don't care. It's just something I like to do. I don't have to justify anything. And plus, I wanted to be posting on my blog more anyway. It's fun and a change of pace than just using peloton, playing games, watching youtube, etc. etc.</p><p>On a different note, ESO announced the next chapter/DLC = Gold Road. I am excited for it, as ESO is my comfort game and I love seeing new/or reimagined places of the Elder Scrolls games (like Western Skyrim with Solitude or the beauty of sunflowers and sea High Isle). My favorite zone is Summerset for the view and the fishing spots though my favorite zone that gave a class is either Necrom (Arcanist class, though I have yet to play it more) or Vvardenfell (Warden class, because I love bear). But nothing will ever replace my main, which is a base game class. My Khajiiti Templar Healer Main (though I DPS when I am running around on another armory build).</p><p>Next week two games come out from the last of my Pre-Orders (except when I am able to pre-order ESO: Gold Road). Those two games are Tekken 8 and Like A Dragon Infinite Wealth. I used to love playing Tekken 6 on PS3, though it looks different than I remember haha. And I still have yet to playthrough the Yakuza/Like A Dragon games (still on Yakuza Kiwami 2), but I have a lot of fun when I play them (I especially liked Yakuza Dead Souls even though that isn't part of the lore, it was mainly just a zombie x yakuza game haha). It's just I am in a comfort zone kind of gaming and I dont wanna have to focus on story, reading subtitles, and such right now. Its kind of why I haven't watched any anime recently, even though I want to. Due to my height, and the screen on the peloton, I cannot see lower on my TV so it makes it a bit harder to watch Yowamushi Pedal on Crunchyroll.</p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuWKLOas4AIxmBAGMxTKrem9t0YWvYYg4GwYrFeusKygs_AiHaieiApUL-89IVNKJXCYAeShsrIP7pMWX0JvwjPhkcSRsi_b7uoqV2R6G-X4VMqawL1bchlCgNTHOyCMUqAWmMN7Nzbu0B4DLQ1YSR9u1A7o5zPSK2Jc_iVTxQtSWNcTTVjcFKgWMcPyQ/s3714/meepmpp.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3714" data-original-width="2805" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuWKLOas4AIxmBAGMxTKrem9t0YWvYYg4GwYrFeusKygs_AiHaieiApUL-89IVNKJXCYAeShsrIP7pMWX0JvwjPhkcSRsi_b7uoqV2R6G-X4VMqawL1bchlCgNTHOyCMUqAWmMN7Nzbu0B4DLQ1YSR9u1A7o5zPSK2Jc_iVTxQtSWNcTTVjcFKgWMcPyQ/w303-h400/meepmpp.png" width="303" /></a>I have been drawing a bit more, like rather than tracing and recoloring. I've actually drew some things, both digitally and traditionally, that came out okay.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYdJdhCfNgUe7qIgemQkYK2gZcNI6WCd6iT6apzLC2bseQgrJNSYDBWxHTcHHWz2SUjCqYDeY4LeOlQDpwWNwBRBb_Vxc1WbgTllGHgVUCOQFM-Fk8T_AnIkoyLRQPuYSMZbpKThXRjgik1-GZlIXFep3O9gL8jejqkYAVvM8BXgzTJSqTMVBbzyJU5l8/s4032/68639fb7-e818-452e-8458-00b9ec7ac16b.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYdJdhCfNgUe7qIgemQkYK2gZcNI6WCd6iT6apzLC2bseQgrJNSYDBWxHTcHHWz2SUjCqYDeY4LeOlQDpwWNwBRBb_Vxc1WbgTllGHgVUCOQFM-Fk8T_AnIkoyLRQPuYSMZbpKThXRjgik1-GZlIXFep3O9gL8jejqkYAVvM8BXgzTJSqTMVBbzyJU5l8/w480-h640/68639fb7-e818-452e-8458-00b9ec7ac16b.jpg" width="480" /></a></div><br /></div><br /><p><br /></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-25507248659735350272024-01-13T20:20:00.002-05:002024-01-13T20:20:30.777-05:00Mid-January Update<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWqOfaAkEhdZJYZOIxUIr1wNBqiAogKjN2VO8RCohfYuG8GqBb52xh3JT8IL5kRrO3n7HjMMPE0uuVVtJKbOZirxsFX2p1UB92wMhjcfw5dA-cUfbcvilSaya0fIxx25dpACgAQ1aqJ67QgcwqCpi7LjK3FcnkKYjqVCoABIotaxTMzzYElVeua9BEqOw/s883/Meepmoop.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="883" data-original-width="736" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWqOfaAkEhdZJYZOIxUIr1wNBqiAogKjN2VO8RCohfYuG8GqBb52xh3JT8IL5kRrO3n7HjMMPE0uuVVtJKbOZirxsFX2p1UB92wMhjcfw5dA-cUfbcvilSaya0fIxx25dpACgAQ1aqJ67QgcwqCpi7LjK3FcnkKYjqVCoABIotaxTMzzYElVeua9BEqOw/w334-h400/Meepmoop.png" width="334" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">(This is a redraw/trace, I DON'T CLAIM TO OWN THIS POSE.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Been struggling at drawing so I sometimes trace and add my own flair to drawings made by others. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Again, <b>I DO NOT CLAIM TO OWN THIS DRAWING, I'VE PUT MY OWN FLAIR ON IT</b>)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>I have taken a bit of a break from Pokémon Scarlet, though I probably get the item for the final part of the DLCs in the Mystery Gifts via Internet. I've recently decided to get, or rather rent, a Peloton Bike. I hope with it (along with the App's other exercises and a healthier diet) to improve and lose some weight. As my weight is not where I would like it (almost 200lbs).<p></p><div>I know that:</div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>It will take a bit to lose weight</li><li>There is a possibility that there will be like excess skin due to the weight loss</li><li>Muscle has weight (similar to Fat) on the body</li></ul><div>I have made a special document to keep track of my weight loss journey. And I have to say that my mood has really, really improved now that Christmas is over. I've also started to eat heathier, been trying to snack less (and when I do, I eat healthier alternatives), and drink more water (rather than Soda and Energy Drinks). My only caffeinated drink, each morning, is coffee with some creamer. I need to work on having a little less coffee and eat something for breakfast (like Oatmeal with/or Fruit, such as Bananas, Berries, Peaches, etc.).</div></div><div><br /></div><div>My hope is to use the peloton (app or cycling) each day or every other day, along those lines BUT I will workout until my body says that's enough for the day. And even if that isn't as long as I would like, I will slowly increase my limit each day. </div><div><br /></div><div>My plan is to:</div><div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>Cycle/Workout (either each day or every other) and keep track of how long along with other stats and information)</li><li>Weigh myself every Friday</li><li>Keep goals for each month</li><li>Keep track of how long I sleep</li><li>How I am feeling at the end of each month</li></ol><div>ALSO, I plan to keep playing video games whenever I feel up to it. I've been oddly playing games more on my PS5 and Switch over my PC. Still playing comfort games though. Maybe I'll get back into Pokémon after the last part of the DLCs and continue my shiny hunting. Or maybe I'll work on getting achievements (on PS5) for Mass Effect: Legendary Edition or Dragon Age Inquisition. I really want to work on playing (and enjoying) the Yakuza/Like A Dragon Series (I am only on Yakuza Kiwami 2). I've on and off also been playing Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm Connections (I HATE that the "cutscenes" are literally cut scenes rather than from the anime or remade with the characters. Like, somehow to me, that feels lazy on their part but I'd be a bit more understanding if they were on a time constraint or something). AND ive been playing Red Dead Redemption 2, and I've been accidently spending the in-game currency (cash) within the game instead of the bought currency (gold). Its very frustrating lol because I'll want to spend gold on something but instead I've spent like 100 on pants or something. And there is no undo button. I think right now, in the game, I have like 100 again, but I was at like 400 before ha ha...ha... sigh.. lol</div></div>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-26196174740001937312023-12-28T05:17:00.003-05:002023-12-28T05:17:52.122-05:00Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over<p> Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over (However, I still need to get through February).</p><p>I've been distracting myself with playing through all of Pokémon Scarlet DLC. Now I am Shiny Hunting on the Overland while also hatching eggs. I havent gotten lucky yet from the eggs, however on Dec 26 I found like 6 Shinys in the Overland. I am happy that I got shinies, I am not ungrateful but I want to get the ones Im trying to hatch. I am currently hatching eggs for Espurr (So far, ive hatched over 100)</p><p>I have a list of ones I want.</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Komala</li><li>Klawf</li><li>Flabebe</li><li>Eiscue</li><li>Chewtle</li><li>Pawmi</li><li>Drifloon</li><li>Bounsweet</li><li>Eevee -> Slyveon</li><li>Applin -> Dipplin</li><li>Ekans ->Arbok</li><li>Koffing</li><li>Poochyena</li><li>Litwick -> Chandelure</li><li>Mienfoo ->Mienshao</li><li>Tentacool (non-paldean)</li><li>Magby ->Magmar</li><li>Mudkip -> Swampert</li><li>Minun</li><li>Solosis -> Reuniclus</li><li>Pikipek -> Toucannon</li><li>Venonat</li></ul><div>I realize the list above has a long way to go if I am going to try and hatch them all. I hope that I can also get more herba mystica for shiny power sandwiches for either mass outbreaks or just roaming the overland areas for the pokemon listed above. (for all i know the list above might get longer).</div><div><br /></div><div>The Ones Ive hatched/caught</div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Rockruff (for a friend)</li><li>Snubbull (for a friend)</li><li>Naclstack</li><li>Cyclizar</li><li>Lechonk</li><li>Crabrawler</li><li>Skiddo</li><li>Zoroark</li><li>Cubchoo</li><li>Rellor</li><li>Mareep</li><li>Rolycoly</li><li>Sprigatito</li><li>Slowpoke</li><li>Sneasel</li><li>Jumpluff</li><li>Meditite</li><li>Pyroar</li><li>Tarountula</li><li>Greavard</li><li>(Paldean) Wooper</li><li>Sinistea</li><li>Minior</li><li>Chansey</li><li>Tyrogue</li><li>Mudsdale</li><li>Exeggcute</li><li>Sawsbuck</li><li>Smeargle</li><li>Deerling</li><li>Toxtricity</li></ul></div><p></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-46823169458567259352023-12-01T06:22:00.003-05:002023-12-01T06:22:45.062-05:00(I feel like) I am a waste of space.I don't do anything in life, which is the reason for feeling the way I do mentioned in my previous post.<div><br /></div><div>But...</div><div><br />My life has no meaning. I have no reason to live, except for myself (meh) and for my cat (not as meh). I don't have a reason for living and at the same reason I have no reason for dying (despite what my depression and suicidal ideations/thoughts might try to convince me of).</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't believe I'll ever get to see my mom again, in any capacity (like Heaven/Hell/Afterlife). I still hurt immensely by this fact though. Death is the end. I am hoping that there is NO such thing as reincarnation because I've lived my life, I don't want to live another in any sort of form.</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't do anything but at the same time its like, I don't want to "branch out" or "expand my horizons" because it takes a lot of emotional/mental/and possibly physical activity to do anything different and I just don't feel up to it. And I am honestly not good at anything anymore, so I'd rather fail at things I already know I am bad at than feel worse for failing at something new. Call me a quitter, giver-upper, whatever. I don't care.</div><div><br /></div><div>When my mom was alive, I felt like my purpose to life/to live was to take care of my mom and help her stay alive and such things. Maybe I was ignorant at the fact she was struggling and once I saw her in the hospital bed, hooked up to the machines, I knew my help wasn't working and nothing I could do would work to help her stay alive. Maybe it's better she wasn't alive to deal with COVID or other very debilitating viruses going around now that might have/probably would have affected her. </div><div><br /></div><div>The point of this post is this:</div><div><br />I have no life</div><div>I have no purpose for life or death.</div><div>I am pathetic</div><div>I am nothing</div><div><br /></div><div>And in all honesty, I just feel like a waste of space...</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXCHynzqxx2mrJD0K-o3ZfBz1PrM7EAfT4kdGVhV_SEEfNbw4JpMn7OXImeWbhPOIkR8Z8zK-Cnhn5Lc3E2TA87EuiO59Z1_8y0IrpxkLD95n5io9Gbo4PcV-M5E59mBrWRMGnypfh4UofWQ7QHNbhNXmMa8EKMW663galOuCBo1pPTAa2SDwUAyFXGrQ/s2560/catalyst_by_yhrite-d7smj29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="2560" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXCHynzqxx2mrJD0K-o3ZfBz1PrM7EAfT4kdGVhV_SEEfNbw4JpMn7OXImeWbhPOIkR8Z8zK-Cnhn5Lc3E2TA87EuiO59Z1_8y0IrpxkLD95n5io9Gbo4PcV-M5E59mBrWRMGnypfh4UofWQ7QHNbhNXmMa8EKMW663galOuCBo1pPTAa2SDwUAyFXGrQ/w640-h360/catalyst_by_yhrite-d7smj29.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-21832960435085802522023-11-30T05:43:00.004-05:002023-11-30T05:43:33.503-05:00Sigh...This could be my depression talking but I feel like I can't do anything. Whether it be for a job or comfort wise. I just don't feel good enough. My art doesn't look as good as I wish it would, even when I get pieces that look decent for my art-skill. I can't seem to write anything good for stories/fictional writing. I don't feel like I am good at games anymore. Like, yea, I can play games. And I know that what most games are about, is to having fun/good time but I struggle doing that. I can't make my base in Fallout 76 look nice and creative. I feel inadequate in Overwatch (Quickplay or Competitive, BUT I am NOT in Bronze Rank... Though silver is barely any better). And when I play games, I feel like I am just going through the motions, so to speak.<div><br /></div><div>I just looked up the feeling of Burnout.</div><div><br /></div><div>"Burnout is a state of complete mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. If you are experiencing burnout, you may notice it is difficult to engage in activities you normally find meaningful. You may no longer care about the things that are important to you or experience an increasing sense of hopelessness."</div><div><br /></div><div>Is...Is what I am feeling burnout?</div><div><br /></div><div>If so, this is just awful.</div><div><br />It could be a mix of depression and burnout but goddamn this feels so bad.</div><div><br /></div><div>The Google Solution for solving burnout is = "It's essential to replenish your physical and emotional energy, along with your capacity to focus, by prioritizing good sleep habits, nutrition, exercise, social connection, and practices that promote equanimity and well-being, like meditating, journaling, and enjoying nature"</div><div><br /></div><div>It's hard to do any of that when I feel like utter shit from my depression... Plus the seasonal depression and the continuous grief that comes and go.</div><div><br /></div><div>Like... My sleep habits tend to always be shit, nutrition/exercise is difficult when severely depressed, social connections aren't really there or I just don't want to interact/be a burden to those around me when I feel this way (be a downer essentially), I don't meditate (never really liked it) or enjoy nature (due to bad/cold weather or bugs). And this blog is literally my journal.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sigh...</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp9Uz9DBTYyX0ewFywGXjGCdUMYXvTDmnZ6BfFqYORBIQ2gx9Lbg2BVzFt8V-3LYpypCWegrgeqTPjMU2haZOXryoKkjDo6YITlfXmTKDZCc_KvJynE9aP9Df2FXJ6UYuLc2x2jmWyiIoNqYS078XNwlOsp1Y93GuRj_S7oC8CA2RdZLruqr6bMR4vDcc/s1000/2318491-renegade_interrupt.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp9Uz9DBTYyX0ewFywGXjGCdUMYXvTDmnZ6BfFqYORBIQ2gx9Lbg2BVzFt8V-3LYpypCWegrgeqTPjMU2haZOXryoKkjDo6YITlfXmTKDZCc_KvJynE9aP9Df2FXJ6UYuLc2x2jmWyiIoNqYS078XNwlOsp1Y93GuRj_S7oC8CA2RdZLruqr6bMR4vDcc/w400-h400/2318491-renegade_interrupt.png" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-31750338102541229102023-11-25T03:12:00.003-05:002023-11-25T03:12:24.682-05:00Vent Post<p> I can't seem to draw almost anything I want to draw. And I want to write fictional short stories and work on my comic/book. However, my creativity is very low. I can't produce any sort of project well. I look back on my drawings and writings and wish I could be able to draw/write like I used to. I struggle with drawing more than writing these days, though my story/comic/book feels more dragged out yet I don't want to rush anything. It's a slippery slope that is still a work in progress.</p><p>I think the reason I am struggling creativity wise is that I am depressed due to seasonal depression, regular depression, and grief as the holiday seasons arrive. It started around the week of thanksgiving and it's not gonna get better until after the Christmas season. I miss my mom immensely. And I don't have many people I can spend Christmas with, though I don't really want to expand my social circle. I'm bad at making new friends and people suck lol. Even me, I can be an awful person. Humans tend to be awful beings.</p><p>I'm also trying to feel this yearning for a romantic relationship with games that have romance in them (Mass Effect and Dragon Age). I wish I could find a game similar to those with romance in them. I've already played Fallout 4 and done with that game, Skyrim romances aren't really romance, and the other games I play don't have romance. I know I should re-do my Cyberpunk 2077 playthrough because of the updates and DLC release, but I have, like, comfort-game-syndrome. Meaning I don't want to play games that I haven't played yet and I want to play my go-tos (Mass Effect, Dragon Age Inquisition, Overwatch 2, ESO).</p><p>Also, I used to have two important people in my life who I decided to cut out despite them doing nothing wrong to me. I'm honestly not sure why I cut them out of my life but I did. I have no way to reach them now. And when I try to visualize them in my head they have like black scribbles over their face, making it hard to remember what they look like, though sometimes I get glimpses of what they looked like. I wish I never cut them out of my life. They were helpful rather than a hinderance. F<span style="background-color: black;">uck</span>, why am I such an idiot like all the time???</p><p>My thanksgiving was depressing. I ordered like a meal kit from my local grocery store. And now I have all this food, some in freezer, and I just don't want it. I spent it alone, barely ate anything the day of and the day after. I felt so alone and pathetic...</p><p>I thought venting about what I'm feeling and thinking would help, but I only feel worse... yay...</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQb8k3wOS3vl7yKNtQGTzT3GH0l7Fy9USYaYQ23KvDBUSuLUuPuFPa7Lcuybow2pipIA-ZKSyhm1t70FMb-CbqdVZ0QQ4Q_mt9cUT9HeKwnsc-oySQDmRCL61B5XqoMrIuRBDo35hF7CydUAEWoy-vQVSR59x9JXoNwbgtE3ToHkECX1nTrNSby5ffb1Y/s16000/tumblr_mxilhpwvJa1rvez92o1_r1_500.gif" /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p><br /></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-67126649547909723782023-11-16T08:27:00.002-05:002023-11-16T08:27:59.449-05:003 Months Later<p> November is about half way done.</p><p>All of October I was horribly sick. I still occasionally have very bad coughing fits to the point of throwing up/dry-heaving which is just SO much fun (insert sarcasm)</p><p>And September was a blur.</p><p>I had been working on my book until recently, feelin a little burned out and wanting to play more games. I've been playing Overwatch 2, ESO, Fortnite, and Hogwarts Legacy. I actually finished Hogwarts Legacy and thoroughly enjoyed every second of it and now I am trying to get all achievements. A few of them requires me to make 3 other character's and get to the Map chamber as the other houses (My first playthrough I was Ravenclaw.)</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjx9A6CDM9BUsfJoyTSigWe0ndFveBuEHubVcXPZyfItjo1AJaDkipwfgnJuMACU8cn3p8RYaHR-W0YPBaqm2RDX7dQVdbK0d612eavjxYPJxqDxKX80PAv7MSU_OZYaEVMhd8v_Txzw4XNzzySvlAKcSUyt1FCgVVYuWMiXtDUJumekZB2lk50PjpMwSY" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="967" data-original-width="490" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjx9A6CDM9BUsfJoyTSigWe0ndFveBuEHubVcXPZyfItjo1AJaDkipwfgnJuMACU8cn3p8RYaHR-W0YPBaqm2RDX7dQVdbK0d612eavjxYPJxqDxKX80PAv7MSU_OZYaEVMhd8v_Txzw4XNzzySvlAKcSUyt1FCgVVYuWMiXtDUJumekZB2lk50PjpMwSY=w203-h400" width="203" /></a></div>This is my character (before I found an awesome cloak/robe). I like making my character look fancy and nice, though I learned the Forbidden Spells from one of the main side characters. I liked some of the characters in the game, while others bugged the shit out of me. My second character is gonna be Slytherin, then Hufflepuff, then finally Gryffindor.<br /><p></p><p>In ESO, I noticed that I have reached 3k hours in-game (yes, I have no life lol). And I've been trying to level a character for the new Endless Archives, because my main toon doesn't seem to be like strong enough or have enough DPS. The new character is a Sorcerer because I've seen vids of sorc wrecking face in Endless Archives.</p><p>OG Fortnite is out currently this season and it's been a ton of fun, despite only playing a few matches. I hope to play more matches, either solo or in duos with friends.</p><p>Overwatch 2 has been fun, especially because I've been playing with my friend. I've also been wanting to play more Competitive but at the same time OW2's new competitive system that's coming to the game in 2024 looks a bit better than the current way it works. Like if you get a win/draw, you get a measly 25 competitive points. And you dont get that much CP in the Bronze, Silver, and Plat when you get your Placement matches done. It's barely any incentive to play, unless that's all you play instead of Unranked/Arcade.</p><p>I've also been wanting to stream but my OBS crashes games, stops my internet browser/YouTube/Spotify, and doesn't want to work properly. I haven't found a work around yet. I hope I can one day figure it out the issue.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZSIdLKZyjrJ2pUkfFuxTL6fd0ist8yBZRDnlLblIql13QQ-HY9jgmp0AJPU2OJZXSZ9r0oUjazK7xSvOCJxEMg_5awWeA1SnoXrbhRjTQJM2SwlbTuvzmyLq4hAVtjW6myphgGy_E0QIiYL4N8JYnsPRz0N_7mEM-6p8Ke-OYn63haVop-9VA_lZ8GUc/s735/bcce580b2682d5b4bff93cba00408cbd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="676" data-original-width="735" height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZSIdLKZyjrJ2pUkfFuxTL6fd0ist8yBZRDnlLblIql13QQ-HY9jgmp0AJPU2OJZXSZ9r0oUjazK7xSvOCJxEMg_5awWeA1SnoXrbhRjTQJM2SwlbTuvzmyLq4hAVtjW6myphgGy_E0QIiYL4N8JYnsPRz0N_7mEM-6p8Ke-OYn63haVop-9VA_lZ8GUc/s320/bcce580b2682d5b4bff93cba00408cbd.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-56273514585991009272023-08-14T17:25:00.002-04:002023-08-14T17:25:38.924-04:00Another One Month (and 5 Days) later<p> Where has the time gone?</p><p>I haven't done much which makes me feel sad... I have books on Buddhism and mangas that I want to read but can muster up the [insert word here] to do so. I have games I want to play (like Baldur's Gate 3 on PC and Mass Effect Andromeda Achievement-Hunting on Playstation) but I revert back to playing comfort games (Like Fallout 76, ESO, Overwatch, or Animal Crossing). I want to work on my book as well as continue to improve my art but I have a few issues.</p><p>A. I get nervous about starting it</p><p>B. I get upset when it doesn't work out because I have bad perfectionism when it comes to my creativity.</p><p>C. My creativity has been very low with small moments of allowing me to create and be happy with the pieces that come out of the moments.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG8ZKmsWt9k_mN_N_cYnuCb-mMfhL982Xn0HPOosnafR6eFQoFFe3bOZbEeoZr_NoW8I3bR-h8tCOfJ4EghCPwdz5gbS5OwMMNjyUYu7vuTNczjg-gKF346tWNWqQJR4iavaoIAkRjqKJsvcktG0JhYJ4GD6LVICihLGKsiLWW2Wdg230ZrBYvWWKhmqE/s705/9b166e13427e65d2ab30507b145633cf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="705" data-original-width="564" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG8ZKmsWt9k_mN_N_cYnuCb-mMfhL982Xn0HPOosnafR6eFQoFFe3bOZbEeoZr_NoW8I3bR-h8tCOfJ4EghCPwdz5gbS5OwMMNjyUYu7vuTNczjg-gKF346tWNWqQJR4iavaoIAkRjqKJsvcktG0JhYJ4GD6LVICihLGKsiLWW2Wdg230ZrBYvWWKhmqE/s320/9b166e13427e65d2ab30507b145633cf.jpg" width="256" /></a></div><p>On top of all that I HAVEN'T DONE, my depression and stress and sense of loneliness has been at a major high again, meaning that I feel so alone and left behind and depressed that my very very VERY bad thoughts are back but I'm trying to fight them off. Or rather, distract them with my comfort things.</p><p>The reasons I feel left behind is that I feel like I have barely anyone around me that was in my social bubble.</p><p></p><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>My aunt and uncle are moving away to California (which is okay because I never was close to them but it's another loss in the bubble)</li><li>My sister lives in Maine, which is a major ways away. Especially since I don't drive nor would I want to drive all the way there just to see her (we aren't that close either...)</li><li>My best friend, who I thankfully still am able to play games with and talk to, moved away from the hometown where I reside to live with her boyfriend (which I am glad they are closer together. I just don't get to see her in person anymore).</li><li>My mom passed away 4yrs back so that another person gone from bubble.</li><li>My friend doesn't talk to me and we haven't seen each other in a while. I like being his friend but at the same time he can be a bit...annoying. He literally pokes me and its annoying. I will say I'm grateful he is still around, like in-state.</li><li>My close family friend moved a while back to be near grandchildren many years back. Which again, isn't bad. It's she is closer to her family. And I am glad we still talk and she visits a lot. </li></ol><div>I sound selfish. Change is inevitable. It happens. People change. Need to move on for whatever reason. And it's not to say I don't like where I live. I like where I live. I like my apartment. And I don't have a reason to move. And even if I were to move, I have no clue where I'd move to. I dont want to move near my aunt and uncle for many reason. Same goes for my sister. I don't want to move near my best friend because she and I would agree it would only hurt our friendship, which I do not want to do...again... I like where I live for many reasons. Plus I have my cat, who I'd think would hate moving anywhere and is used to most of my "rules" of my apartment. And I know that I could expand my social bubble but that takes emotional and social work which is very tiring for me. And it's hard for me to make friends. I'm socially awkward. I'm nearing my 30's. I have low self confidence. And I barely leave my apartment. Even going to the grocery store can be draining and I dont even understand why.<br /><br /></div><div>Sigh...</div><div><br /></div><div>I feel like a selfish loser who is also a failure right now...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaG_YINr3EWMqWI_N67Mg87anMR7pEvvxCKu_fzFU_bEpOK1rplQInOeEI8NFkWKsAVuuoEPES9FAiDWt5P5pIguDUFl3T7H7oI8qi6fzcYDlFuCM9_cNQHrlYEGBvfW8sy4gBZekItFKLa6hpZspKtJs_pbDdHqGMzLwenN3BBTWC5zVv3d7fDE1LbLc/s701/abab86ebe25c4885e44d30bcd222a711-d7gt5j9.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="701" data-original-width="500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaG_YINr3EWMqWI_N67Mg87anMR7pEvvxCKu_fzFU_bEpOK1rplQInOeEI8NFkWKsAVuuoEPES9FAiDWt5P5pIguDUFl3T7H7oI8qi6fzcYDlFuCM9_cNQHrlYEGBvfW8sy4gBZekItFKLa6hpZspKtJs_pbDdHqGMzLwenN3BBTWC5zVv3d7fDE1LbLc/s16000/abab86ebe25c4885e44d30bcd222a711-d7gt5j9.gif" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><p></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-37622033897215838752023-07-09T04:53:00.003-04:002023-07-09T04:53:29.550-04:00Experiencing and Learning from the Buddha's Teachings (one month later)<p> I've been spending the past few weeks reading about Ikigai, Ichigo Ichie, and Kaizen as well as exploring the wisdom and information about Buddhism and Zen Buddhism. The different of aspects of Buddhism peak my interest and the fact that it feels a bit more realistic and grounded FOR ME is helpful. As someone who is often anxious and/or depressed, finding Buddhism has helped me cope/deal and let myself feel those (along with other) emotions. Like, the Buddha taught that we are essentially prisoners of our own minds, bound by out beliefs, perceptions and ideas (which I find very accurate). We seen an inaccurate version of reality that causes us unnecessary suffering. Buddha's teaching help us after that perspective and learn that the unnecessary sufferings we experience has more to do with <u>how</u> we see things than <u>what</u> we see.</p><p>You're meant to <u>put the Buddha's teachings into practice</u>, not meant to be believed in, which is what I'm trying to do.</p><p>I'm trying to connect with myself and my inner kindness and compassion while learning to allow myself to feel the many different emotions that are a part of life.</p><p>I do try to meditate more often to connect with my inner self, nature and the universe.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgiFp3DmyzvlkJiXX063ZG4jF-inQH2jYwcLoQni9VWaem2L0rwboYYk9EOQCuxe_AZAXquhdnbNQD8SaAx7d8sIWUXtkRxhm7yiuBiw266gOZZVHuhUPFYS3-RSl876DyIIRKnaPFIscEUlYmT6m-Z0zGW6RRPA66t9YCcwI3mJTxsumSBstJjcCqCHuI" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="801" data-original-width="564" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgiFp3DmyzvlkJiXX063ZG4jF-inQH2jYwcLoQni9VWaem2L0rwboYYk9EOQCuxe_AZAXquhdnbNQD8SaAx7d8sIWUXtkRxhm7yiuBiw266gOZZVHuhUPFYS3-RSl876DyIIRKnaPFIscEUlYmT6m-Z0zGW6RRPA66t9YCcwI3mJTxsumSBstJjcCqCHuI=s16000" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-49477165330281041932023-06-04T12:16:00.002-04:002023-06-04T12:16:33.182-04:00[About] One Month Later!<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcgGmLpiekl9cymmggYAoNgDPj8lAA09_r3AjKGLklkfa8dWbrA2Ap2t7wAclUXM3cRDaP2bbvb73Dc7gpxsQ8Gucr8X1Zg4iV2RyvEzYQr8LS70Al_rrYk80g7NJ3A9bR_CrdaHyEtYvvwhzLlZ48nlyAPDyaIvckW4wvGriV-4FzCUBBd4ga021d/s640/anime-food-cooking-breakfast-3fpdmic4i3og5dxe.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcgGmLpiekl9cymmggYAoNgDPj8lAA09_r3AjKGLklkfa8dWbrA2Ap2t7wAclUXM3cRDaP2bbvb73Dc7gpxsQ8Gucr8X1Zg4iV2RyvEzYQr8LS70Al_rrYk80g7NJ3A9bR_CrdaHyEtYvvwhzLlZ48nlyAPDyaIvckW4wvGriV-4FzCUBBd4ga021d/s16000/anime-food-cooking-breakfast-3fpdmic4i3og5dxe.gif" /></a></div><br /><p></p><div>I've been feeling a bit better, emotion wise. I've been cleaning/preparing for a family friend who's coming to visit. I'm excited for the day I do groceries this week because I've been craving to cook more and I am going to my local grocery store along with my local Asian Market. Maybe I've been in the mood because I've been watching some cooking TV Shows and Videos. I often love experimenting different ideas I get in my head for cooking. I will do that along with cooking some recipes I found in my cookbooks (the recipes for Karage, a Steak Sandwich from Sword Art Online, Korokke, and Coffee Jelly). They are actually based on Manga Books/Anime Shows which I think is really cool. I've made coffee jelly before and it was really good and I recently ordered some weird but tasty coffee beans so I'll be using one of those (either Cookies and Cream or the one that tastes fruity). </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg8H3jdtDOe4-X58dn4ViuiJFmQC7GUhjBx_elWCkzZrVG4lr-D13_Al4Fp-ttt3LeOeEKiPaIriu7G-7UjxgLsl2x-wKAkxGtu8phBWF-iDDzoYnzb5m04Ar4bX7i_T5kHbz6NMsBG1hzEdSSDnwnKWk0gcDhsat-suab1sPo105pK_0TIbliPMT4/s498/cooking-food.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="268" data-original-width="498" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg8H3jdtDOe4-X58dn4ViuiJFmQC7GUhjBx_elWCkzZrVG4lr-D13_Al4Fp-ttt3LeOeEKiPaIriu7G-7UjxgLsl2x-wKAkxGtu8phBWF-iDDzoYnzb5m04Ar4bX7i_T5kHbz6NMsBG1hzEdSSDnwnKWk0gcDhsat-suab1sPo105pK_0TIbliPMT4/s16000/cooking-food.gif" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div>I'm trying to "adult" more in the sense of keeping things cleaner than when I am depressed, cooking more than ordering food, work on my project. Hell, I'm getting a bedframe because for the longest of times I didn't have a bedframe and not because I was poor but because when I was really young (and kind of stupid) I took apart my bunk bed I had (because I was a curious kid) though eventually we had to toss it due to it breaking on important structural parts (lol, my bad). I will say being an adult is difficult sometimes. Like as an anti-social person who hates dealing with robots on important phone calls, makes phone calls for important things tedious. It's been very hot recently, or thundering, which makes it difficult for me to go outside to do trash/recycle runs (as I have to walk to the large bins) but I will do it if need be. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuIExla0HGPsl98XqmK_RcUFCjn5MDFW5WuOJB5nDniRWRMXELbvLq2xqpb4vJo_PN1CMgG5jetmTXk26EvD28VFJ9SYDSveZ44CcPwmr-Jg_P55TOrZ7vplQpnQ6-ipBg1cDdyANxVQUNxKuLh-zUwBzf6zPzb90iRmz1pIuPfG8NymIv_4lbvB6y/s300/sailor-moon.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="224" data-original-width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuIExla0HGPsl98XqmK_RcUFCjn5MDFW5WuOJB5nDniRWRMXELbvLq2xqpb4vJo_PN1CMgG5jetmTXk26EvD28VFJ9SYDSveZ44CcPwmr-Jg_P55TOrZ7vplQpnQ6-ipBg1cDdyANxVQUNxKuLh-zUwBzf6zPzb90iRmz1pIuPfG8NymIv_4lbvB6y/s16000/sailor-moon.gif" /></a></div><br /><div>I've also, in my spare time, been playing a ton of Mass Effect Trilogy (and some Overwatch 2, despite Blizzard being complete assholes but I don't want to get into that right now). I actually got through Mass Effect 1 and 2 over the course of like 3 - 4 days, again in my spare time. I'm now on Mass Effect 3 and just finished the Mars mission. I'm hoping that I can re-spec my talents with my Shepard because I dont like how they auto-set some of my talents. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7-MtpyYRX5m0OfYMFI1fRL5zfqGYquvUFPQJuHIua7c-4trg5XE4bcEgN8wV5kdlGFyTzEpe7y1wh3B8HhBtoFnQYgoy6D-mkMX9jPm5UDQ8whqfOifWjQb80KvMNvtBPBXL3qpcHNfBhgS4V6tWDEhH8zehHHR5vrqhkZEN0OOOjMPPOKq1vC0AD/s562/tumblr_5e6db4012f4596aa61ccaaf806814a94_013c26c0_640.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="317" data-original-width="562" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7-MtpyYRX5m0OfYMFI1fRL5zfqGYquvUFPQJuHIua7c-4trg5XE4bcEgN8wV5kdlGFyTzEpe7y1wh3B8HhBtoFnQYgoy6D-mkMX9jPm5UDQ8whqfOifWjQb80KvMNvtBPBXL3qpcHNfBhgS4V6tWDEhH8zehHHR5vrqhkZEN0OOOjMPPOKq1vC0AD/w640-h360/tumblr_5e6db4012f4596aa61ccaaf806814a94_013c26c0_640.gif" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfHxIdjsYvBCAMjEdwTIZQswQUwg1Hrb69HG_scXbQ3Vyy9UBK0F2GjtDbEWBtTxq0Sq2kuxJ9BSxP1xW7CYCLzmals19sLXQfbNpXUy6YXjRrkolkl40EDbfBW-l6gBjI-nLZtHgp65z_N2SpFrsvWIxEM-HryUipffoDzuaQMyISMXRbq2jvshZq/s498/junkerqueen-overwatch.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="230" data-original-width="498" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfHxIdjsYvBCAMjEdwTIZQswQUwg1Hrb69HG_scXbQ3Vyy9UBK0F2GjtDbEWBtTxq0Sq2kuxJ9BSxP1xW7CYCLzmals19sLXQfbNpXUy6YXjRrkolkl40EDbfBW-l6gBjI-nLZtHgp65z_N2SpFrsvWIxEM-HryUipffoDzuaQMyISMXRbq2jvshZq/w640-h296/junkerqueen-overwatch.gif" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div><br /></div>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-47966773037392015692023-05-05T05:23:00.007-04:002023-05-05T05:23:37.637-04:00What do I want to do??<p> I've been thinking about what I want to do with my life.</p><p>Like I still want to make my own manga/comic, eventually but I need to get my creative gears going again. Right now, my creative side and inspiration has disappeared. Maybe if I look at previous projects/artworks of mine I'd get inspired.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfrkeafRg3-Sw6ug2ee0bCj_o2irJ0RkMJuJ-DMnFXrIIXL6rrG9mQftrGEP-E_tDnYDw-lOf2UkNHbCwiPXyRjt4IugzWz5Mj689Fi0IGikFlXTS1Ak2793Lkgw8zY86IbJCI7uaic7Ag-FdFcB0Cc4Oq1OHKXdwmtBbc64mup0PpiRueCv9lydmQ/s500/DescriptiveOddballKakapo-size_restricted.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="500" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfrkeafRg3-Sw6ug2ee0bCj_o2irJ0RkMJuJ-DMnFXrIIXL6rrG9mQftrGEP-E_tDnYDw-lOf2UkNHbCwiPXyRjt4IugzWz5Mj689Fi0IGikFlXTS1Ak2793Lkgw8zY86IbJCI7uaic7Ag-FdFcB0Cc4Oq1OHKXdwmtBbc64mup0PpiRueCv9lydmQ/w400-h229/DescriptiveOddballKakapo-size_restricted.gif" width="400" /></a></div><p>I also want to be a casual streamer of sorts. I'd stream more than before, eventually making a schedule. I know most of the games I'd play would be "older" games compared to new games. I would even stream when I use Clip Studio Paint to work on my project (maybe) but I don't my ideas stolen so I'd be vague about the information of the comic/manga. And in all honesty, I would be streaming just for myself not for the money (if I ever get there, I highly doubt I'd get there haha). </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjosrlvRn6GugyERpSD6re_ngxdKPKGFRYEvGs91LWNqIQc_XA5NnXuYVUPEIolG9wDDbFuYKIcWX5m1sAZNi1w5_ucBLAZ2cXutxUBDHbZS7dT4r48Hwug41IkIN2gEtmtZ_c4R9HbSNM9bTO3sAg-TuqJTVNHkSmlqGxGKZAi_Zjj6MWWkzmzxYgX/s562/tumblr_5e6db4012f4596aa61ccaaf806814a94_013c26c0_640.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="317" data-original-width="562" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjosrlvRn6GugyERpSD6re_ngxdKPKGFRYEvGs91LWNqIQc_XA5NnXuYVUPEIolG9wDDbFuYKIcWX5m1sAZNi1w5_ucBLAZ2cXutxUBDHbZS7dT4r48Hwug41IkIN2gEtmtZ_c4R9HbSNM9bTO3sAg-TuqJTVNHkSmlqGxGKZAi_Zjj6MWWkzmzxYgX/w400-h225/tumblr_5e6db4012f4596aa61ccaaf806814a94_013c26c0_640.gif" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">These are things that <u>I want to do</u>.</span></div><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-9839328030679237752023-04-18T20:01:00.001-04:002023-04-18T20:01:29.053-04:00Relaxing & Relationships [Kind of NSFW]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhySPUsxwqRRlRBgn3F68-pUsmYUsSIBM0dxMff_wuFEZErVsOTfqcLu7imYxqxw84Db6nAuIEEx4_VxzLt7EsekC7I5yThVgvn-LVwpSfVpA0Ch8w9MNnY4Iub9IcssIKK43-sBzfxdcrPnNHr3-C298CUJAIpvUuOHYiSR7X2V5HN4guR_B_VreMP/s1920/90968a24312da22a558026ab1d0ffc4d.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1920" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhySPUsxwqRRlRBgn3F68-pUsmYUsSIBM0dxMff_wuFEZErVsOTfqcLu7imYxqxw84Db6nAuIEEx4_VxzLt7EsekC7I5yThVgvn-LVwpSfVpA0Ch8w9MNnY4Iub9IcssIKK43-sBzfxdcrPnNHr3-C298CUJAIpvUuOHYiSR7X2V5HN4guR_B_VreMP/w640-h360/90968a24312da22a558026ab1d0ffc4d.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p>I've been playing a <u>ton</u> of Elder Scrolls Online (like 140 in the past two weeks). Its been my go to game of relaxation. I've also occasionally been playing Overwatch 2. Those two have been my go to games for trying to not let my emotions fall into a dark depression. I do notice the "whispers" of anxiety and the dreary emotions of sadness but I'm doing my best to ignore them. Been doing lots of things in ESO. From Guild Activities to Promoting my own guild to just casually fishing in the zone of Summerset (one of my top favorite zones).</p><p>--</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOAtlxqnW4-5_Yi084LYM5BPv-IIH8Ex8t72R54WXsTjR3Hvk05p4MQ73PZLXyUbW09er-odOZ44ItjGy5ZTnEwlfQg3fzsOq2wplbXEvnBxG9CWKQnN38d28uTCBdpaYTHdWcH-NNB-Z3f4gj4JwQV3BKkVxbDIUggYT3xfdjtQc8JYpFaXmaeHuA/s563/a82832a414ce0a406d7bd4ca46f2f220.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="495" data-original-width="563" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOAtlxqnW4-5_Yi084LYM5BPv-IIH8Ex8t72R54WXsTjR3Hvk05p4MQ73PZLXyUbW09er-odOZ44ItjGy5ZTnEwlfQg3fzsOq2wplbXEvnBxG9CWKQnN38d28uTCBdpaYTHdWcH-NNB-Z3f4gj4JwQV3BKkVxbDIUggYT3xfdjtQc8JYpFaXmaeHuA/s320/a82832a414ce0a406d7bd4ca46f2f220.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>On another side of things, I've been feeling somewhat lonely in a romantic relationship sense. Mainly because I've been reading romance manga/watching romance anime. However when I watch shows that are live-action (?) actors, I often skip over the romantic/"sexual" moments. It just doesn't interest me the way anime/manga does when it comes to romantic things (and yet I still watch p0rn, but feel somewhat unhappy that I've watched p0rn and "scratched the itch"). Even though I feel slightly lonely, I oddly gotten used to and enjoy being single. I don't have to worry about a whole other physical person that I want to have a romantic relationship with. I worry about myself along with others I care about enough as it is. I know if I want that kind of relationship I need to put in the work, which can be many forms of exhausting. I would try to put in the work if I had someone I really liked. But currently I don't have anyone physically I want a relationship with. Kind of wish I did but kind of happy I don't... I guess it really depends on the kind of person I meet and find interesting to me.<div><br /></div><div>Maybe I should just play some games with more romantic aspects like Mass Effect or Dragon Age or even Stardew Valley or Cyberpunk 2077. I did really enjoy both Judy and Panam's romance in Cyberpunk 2077. (I've also kind of put a pause on doing achievement hunting for Dragon Age Inquisition because I've been having too much fun playing ESO and Overwatch 2).<br /><div><p></p><div>--</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghup8DPg79EakEefuC1zdJ9yrmQhwk9C2LjnAi_EKg7NOYJ5ajgSzP2DQUIAHaxsHiG81TXvZW6Emim23eUMDhbksCPLxSgB2CGUvTNXhigP4NHc4IW25mqjxedo38WQ3YKYEYP-Oxr-ADJvg01kICuzKXzsX7V8Pmw1JLXcMhDa-q1y_vrLOUYUvB/s385/iconandromeda.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="385" data-original-width="385" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghup8DPg79EakEefuC1zdJ9yrmQhwk9C2LjnAi_EKg7NOYJ5ajgSzP2DQUIAHaxsHiG81TXvZW6Emim23eUMDhbksCPLxSgB2CGUvTNXhigP4NHc4IW25mqjxedo38WQ3YKYEYP-Oxr-ADJvg01kICuzKXzsX7V8Pmw1JLXcMhDa-q1y_vrLOUYUvB/s320/iconandromeda.png" width="320" /></a></div>I've been trying to force myself to draw or doodle something on paper despite my creative side being pretty much shut off currently, which sucks majorly. I got some doodles on paper, not so much drawings. I am not sure why my creative side decided to disappear but it has. I just hope it will eventually come back some day soon. </div></div></div>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-50403466398377384732023-03-18T09:48:00.001-04:002023-03-18T09:48:08.328-04:00My Current Mindset: Everything is Pointless...<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc1rba_Nn28QkmPreuLk171vJMFAvQAOEI5vAoFtRrsUaretS5zD6YPc-LaUCVTGYs4lmqZyuzGENBMRrC6D3uAtf0zO2WfddxbKJN5Wk1BCFS7_kfqwDe5O3ZVmZcbMCa6Dw8As2-hJF56X17qrQwQyMbxwFYYcW5IQYfxHaB2vx25iQa7U092Hca/s1366/n7_tech_wallpaper_by_hayter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc1rba_Nn28QkmPreuLk171vJMFAvQAOEI5vAoFtRrsUaretS5zD6YPc-LaUCVTGYs4lmqZyuzGENBMRrC6D3uAtf0zO2WfddxbKJN5Wk1BCFS7_kfqwDe5O3ZVmZcbMCa6Dw8As2-hJF56X17qrQwQyMbxwFYYcW5IQYfxHaB2vx25iQa7U092Hca/w640-h360/n7_tech_wallpaper_by_hayter.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">My current mindset and thinking isn't too great. And I dont mean the normal depression and sad thoughts and self-loathing. My mind is currently thinking that everything I do and everything I want to do is pointless. There is no reason to do anything, even if it's just to make me happy. Because, in my mind, happiness is temporary due to the fact that I suffer from depression and anxiety (and probably some other things as well). I am trying to be like "It makes me happy. And even if it's temporary happiness, I should do X,Y,Z because it makes me happy and content." That thinking is kind of working but a large chunk of my brain is like "everything is pointless and nothing matters." I am trying to push past that feeling and just distract myself from the feelings of pointlessness. An example of something I want to do but seems pointless in the end is like Gaming things. Like I want to get certain achievements or accolades in games that I enjoy playing but it seems like it doesn't matter because it's just gonna be gone to the ether when I die (whenever that may be). Same goes for all my drawing goals and drawings I've done so far...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I wish my mind wouldn't be so... counter-productive and damaging to myself... </div><br /><p></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-16700842162284809212023-03-12T06:51:00.002-04:002023-03-12T06:51:23.610-04:00March Updates<p> I haven't posted since Feb 17th due to real life getting busy. Real life has calmed down though I will say my emotional state has been flipping all around. Let me give some organized updates (Gaming, Life, & Emotional).</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI7nT6yUjES0-z5Yb9Qywwf0RsIFUlFDugZAqzC62S9jN84cX-mdISLvS0lFETEh9JdC87v3kxt7aAj0W6dPbrrls1P2LmdC4pv1EWiD7p1CpN0K8aTknSDOg7Iz8soaNXCuZjtN2R4VtG7DRu97oGEBwmY2ahOGYvutASqNItt3IUpCAnklCtI5qV/s500/tumblr_msdb3duKgQ1r5v0pgo1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="409" data-original-width="500" height="262" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI7nT6yUjES0-z5Yb9Qywwf0RsIFUlFDugZAqzC62S9jN84cX-mdISLvS0lFETEh9JdC87v3kxt7aAj0W6dPbrrls1P2LmdC4pv1EWiD7p1CpN0K8aTknSDOg7Iz8soaNXCuZjtN2R4VtG7DRu97oGEBwmY2ahOGYvutASqNItt3IUpCAnklCtI5qV/w320-h262/tumblr_msdb3duKgQ1r5v0pgo1_500.gif" width="320" /></a></div><p>Gaming: I've been playing Dragon Age Inquisition (still lol) along with achievement hunting through Mass Effect: Andromeda (and Dragon Age Inquisition). I am about five achievements away from Platinum on ME:A and on DA:I most of the achievements left are either Trials or Trespasser DLC achievements. I've also recently purchase Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II and been playing when I want to kind of zone out and just play something. In Overwatch 2, I've finally got the Zarya skin from the Season 3 Battle Pass which I'm happy about though I will say I haven't been playing too much recently. I haven't been in the mood to play ESO right now, though I log in to sell item(s) in the Guild Store of the Guild I am in so I don't get kicked from it. I want to play so many new (to me) games but I've reverted back to play "comfort" games (Dragon Age Inquisition, Mass Effect: Andromeda, Mass Effect Legendary Edition, and the occasional Overwatch 2 matches). I've also been on and off playing Cyberpunk 2077 and God Of War, which has been fun (I will say I've been playing more Cyberpunk 2077 even though I know God Of War is a really good game) I own God Of War <span style="font-family: inherit;">Ragner<span id="docs-internal-guid-07602873-7fff-b0cc-3fb3-4aa117d2cc81"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ö</span></span>k and I really wanna play that but I need to play God Of War first!</span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifwe0V1vOm6OpYD_1fIB_D1DxW15Lhu1ADUrWLH3nrPM1638hLPrtUw9_hX4LI5SIdGz_kjB03Vgz1onq0dBafYnZh0NKH4sOidq2MliRpBWgSahKYHC_1Q3JW1Bnj0s6_nvUUDtJyP5I3MNA-lpGXehCWNTJIKBGaH4ZeJth7ACnQEmr0YyNoG33w/s975/tumblr_obq2d093LI1reiq33o1_1280.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="975" data-original-width="754" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifwe0V1vOm6OpYD_1fIB_D1DxW15Lhu1ADUrWLH3nrPM1638hLPrtUw9_hX4LI5SIdGz_kjB03Vgz1onq0dBafYnZh0NKH4sOidq2MliRpBWgSahKYHC_1Q3JW1Bnj0s6_nvUUDtJyP5I3MNA-lpGXehCWNTJIKBGaH4ZeJth7ACnQEmr0YyNoG33w/w246-h320/tumblr_obq2d093LI1reiq33o1_1280.gif" width="246" /></a></div><p></p><p>Life: I had company over from the end of Feb to March 1st, which was very nice and productive. I've been trying to, in a sense, force myself to draw, write, and read <i>Mass Effect Andromeda Nexus Uprising </i>(I am on chapter 25 of 36). Reading is slow because A. I am in general a slow book reader, B. The book is a small novel so the words are a bit more pressed together which makes it a bit more difficult to read, and C. Some chapters are a bit long and I have little patience even though I REALLY want to finish the book and then read the next two books (<i>Initiation </i>and <i>Annihilation</i>). I've already read the three amazing books of the Trilogy (the last book doesn't count because there are so many flaws and lore mistakes in that. DO NOT READ <i>Mass Effect Deception</i>). Drawing has been tough even though I have the motivation. The creative gears are not moving even though I am trying to make them move. The question is, what will lubricate the metaphorical gears to cause them to go? I will say I have done a couple pieces/drawings that I am happy with. Writing is tougher than drawing. I have a thing I am working on but I keep putting it on pause because brain no wanna work though I want to work on it. I've been wanting to watch anime that I've started along with Last of Us on HBO Max and the Mandalorian on Disney+ but I struggle to focus on new shows even if they are really really good. I often put streaming apps (or YouTube) as background noise and I dont want to miss anything if I put those shows as background noise (and with anime I need to read subtitles to know what's going on). Focusing is very hard even though I have meds for focusing... Which doesn't make sense, I know, but sometimes I am able to sit and focus on a single episode per day or week. A lot of streaming shows are about an hour long and I, again, struggle to focus on something like a TV show for an hour. My birthday is coming up which I guess I am happy about. Though some things that come with having a birthday has been causing me anxiety. I can't say exactly what (incase certain people are reading this) but I'll do my best to stay calm and bite my tongue when needed.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL8Xz3NLFu4jqWJMTwooZEmbu27LnZoEAtocca_4Yig9kUXCz4ssp1gFx9jZ8aKouvc8e7Yehwy8khOBpkx1Yfb4sRBxlhXhlMN5_tOj0m1zKutggCWEe1CHCoyfVAGuBkOJ5Y1Y19aOOE2SZfPEvI-Yv_abRE48zDZejTwFIyl58D46FyB5dNA-EZ/s541/tumblr_my666rWxR01rpt9i7o1_500.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="541" data-original-width="500" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL8Xz3NLFu4jqWJMTwooZEmbu27LnZoEAtocca_4Yig9kUXCz4ssp1gFx9jZ8aKouvc8e7Yehwy8khOBpkx1Yfb4sRBxlhXhlMN5_tOj0m1zKutggCWEe1CHCoyfVAGuBkOJ5Y1Y19aOOE2SZfPEvI-Yv_abRE48zDZejTwFIyl58D46FyB5dNA-EZ/s320/tumblr_my666rWxR01rpt9i7o1_500.png" width="296" /></a></div>Emotional: I've had some moments of deep thinking, I know this, but I can't remember the exact things I think of due to 1. Memory is garbage and 2. The deep thinking moments have been in a half sleep state so I often don't remember things in the half sleep state. (I dont know if this is Life or Emotional but) My subconscious caused me to dream of someone of my past whose attention I wanted. I thought I was over them but apparently subconsciously I am not. And I know for a fact I will never see this person nor never ever get the attention I want from them. I think my depression is starting to flare up again because I've been self-loathing and feeling really sad. I've also been feeling lonely even though I've been enjoying my time alone. It's a weird conundrum. <p></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-61940300149377949122023-02-17T23:59:00.002-05:002023-02-17T23:59:42.188-05:00The Past Week was Tough, but Things are Better (though not perfect)<p> Last week (the week of the 6th of February) was a difficult week. It was the week of the passing of my mother, along with her birthday. It felt worse than last years except obviously the year it happened. I was in a really really really dark place. I wasn't willing to hear help from others nor wanting to talk to others. I will say I am not doing perfect now but I feel better. I felt the weight of darkness disappear on the 12th of Feb.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO7ENA0beyvyh1kEQtdKMYkeRnGMSpss7f7XERjqYhdYqR_agZiiDpyQgqe2w8SPMo7BNX7pccur5l2lJk_Ayf4kZ7J_6O3oQB6GZkjdhSkEtQfvFQttINtiDPi0rxAIw6UjsxnxhI4Wcu0pG712RbJjp0cZmZS5yQncSx8trxcyS5g5dPqufNJVOI/s609/da.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="609" data-original-width="500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO7ENA0beyvyh1kEQtdKMYkeRnGMSpss7f7XERjqYhdYqR_agZiiDpyQgqe2w8SPMo7BNX7pccur5l2lJk_Ayf4kZ7J_6O3oQB6GZkjdhSkEtQfvFQttINtiDPi0rxAIw6UjsxnxhI4Wcu0pG712RbJjp0cZmZS5yQncSx8trxcyS5g5dPqufNJVOI/s16000/da.gif" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>During that time, and after, I've been playing a TON of Dragon Age Inquisition. I've been playing on PC and PlayStation. I only have two achievements left on PC so I'm trying to get to the Trespasser DLC but I dont want to skip any mission/DLC. I've been really enjoying playing through Dragon Age Inquisition again (on different characters/platforms). I'm trying to get Leliana as Divine but I always seem to get Cassandra because I usually save Empress Celene and Exile the Wardens. I have a save on my PlayStation to go back to if I want to have the Wardens Join the Inquisition (I just have to make sure not to save over that spot lol).</p><p>I want to play mot Overwatch to get the Zarya items on the Battlepass but I've been having a lot more fun playing Dragon Age Inquisition. </p><p>I wish I could playthrough Dragon Age Origins on PC without it crashing mid mission before I remember to save. I try to save as much as possible but the constant crashing I have to deal with is ridiculous. I've heard from others the Dragon Age Origins is one of the best Dragon Age games out there currently. (Luckily I recently ordered it for an older console. Hopefully I works out and doesn't crash at all or as much as the PC version.)</p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-423244013922753282023-01-24T13:05:00.006-05:002023-01-24T13:05:30.332-05:00Distraction is the only thing keeping me sane<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6z3Ky-WyN5hia4cPKhjfKAzaRxMEGB5Zjl5o1q1n3q8tTe6z36alagA_-9kqpZpcLYHwrBZmrYbL_bhiwi9XwtzQJulIwtHK9JUxxe-zzm2b4GuD81EjAOXlWMKQBP9hse6p29OCOkA4gCKT0z8mT3n0h7GxiGbsNQG3Mr74ivlXC4iMf7To1YEGK/s600/jezus_2_by_alphagravy-d8blltc.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="500" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6z3Ky-WyN5hia4cPKhjfKAzaRxMEGB5Zjl5o1q1n3q8tTe6z36alagA_-9kqpZpcLYHwrBZmrYbL_bhiwi9XwtzQJulIwtHK9JUxxe-zzm2b4GuD81EjAOXlWMKQBP9hse6p29OCOkA4gCKT0z8mT3n0h7GxiGbsNQG3Mr74ivlXC4iMf7To1YEGK/w333-h400/jezus_2_by_alphagravy-d8blltc.gif" width="333" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div>Distraction is the only thing keeping me sane.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've been playing lots of Dragon Age Inquisition recently. Only 2 achievements away on PC to getting all achievements on PC. I want to play more Mass Effect Legendary Edition, to achievement hunt. I also want to play God Of War and Horizon Zero Dawn on PC.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've also been drawing/sketching, trying to improve my artwork. I'm getting better at rough sketching ideas and such. I have a 2.0mm pencil for traditional rough sketching and I really enjoy using that pencil along with my favorite 0.5mm pencil.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've been getting lost in thought and dreams, which explains why my sleep schedule is messed up. I like losing myself in fantasy/fictional world or my weird, yet nice, dreams that I cant control. Though when I have nightmares, it isn't that nice but that hasn't happened too often.</div>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-75826702828431342892023-01-22T03:35:00.001-05:002023-01-22T03:35:02.277-05:00Bleh<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjqbQj8oZZEmNBcbS85LgnMv8FSsd0ce0s6AMaHXiocOHm-iP6i8tSrE7Y5Qwiy2vTnDVWhUmDlg_EMHST27EogAqf5AU51tT4H8_cyw7UXlQ6zoK4K-bTWJ51m_0GLTF7s9EKg24bjYyFNWDGeVmMRAOryA_u2PEWVgwzHoFF7fngaly5TY9Ky0QT/s600/tumblr_o10225k8uW1tmup4co1_1280.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjqbQj8oZZEmNBcbS85LgnMv8FSsd0ce0s6AMaHXiocOHm-iP6i8tSrE7Y5Qwiy2vTnDVWhUmDlg_EMHST27EogAqf5AU51tT4H8_cyw7UXlQ6zoK4K-bTWJ51m_0GLTF7s9EKg24bjYyFNWDGeVmMRAOryA_u2PEWVgwzHoFF7fngaly5TY9Ky0QT/s16000/tumblr_o10225k8uW1tmup4co1_1280.gif" /></a></div>My creativity when it comes to writing is starting to come out again, which is good except for the fact that it's only really working when it come to my Fan-Fiction for Mass Effect or my private/fictional story. Whenever I open the document for my new story idea I am working on, my brain is like HoW dO i WrItE?... Maybe I need to just go in and, in a sense, wing it. Just write without really thinking too hard about things. It's kind of what I do with the private/fictional story. And when it comes to writing the fan-fiction, I come up with ideas mainly on the fly and I already know the backstories and details about characters from the Mass Effect Franchise. I do make up some details or whatever though. With my new story idea, I want to know the backstory of my characters, what the time period the story takes place in, what the world is like, etc. etc. which makes it tough for me to come up with details on the fly... Though I could just try to do that...Just come up with details on the fly and make note of them as I go...<p></p><p>I think a big reason I've been writing so well is because I've been lonely recently. My family friend who I talk to everyday via phone call is busy having her own family visiting and I'd hate to bother her with a phone call of mine so I only text for now. And when gaming, I've been gaming mainly alone which I am used to. I am currently grinding out 250 wins (currently have 181 wins done) as Tank in Overwatch 2, which is obviously taking its time. I recently got some single player games downloaded so I feel invested in a story rather than feeling lonely in multiplayer games.</p><p>When I try to draw, recently, my drawings often dont come out how I like. I know it's due to me needing to study and learn things more but I have trouble retaining information in general. I'm forgetful as fuck. But I'm trying to take notes when learning/studying so I dont forget or so I can come back to my notes when I do forget.</p><p>Still feeling depressed about my mom being deceased.... Trying to distract myself with writing, gaming, or drawing.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnYwfKDHMVfEPLdVqk6nGRfU4Wjj9RJ2ZPOAGQ1zeoRmroHMoQpHIuJhCOWanWcEvkGMzq4cu-xoP3Qtx56Igzgrw2lO6cy-zVOBZuifOvPu9mIu-Rkvf3oVNWMvFKZzj4NEijHFCQMnHyradJ6KdeaS72GzlDryikQb55ZO2IHMq7BELXP07e2JJ8/s667/tumblr_mxilhpwvJa1rvez92o1_r1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnYwfKDHMVfEPLdVqk6nGRfU4Wjj9RJ2ZPOAGQ1zeoRmroHMoQpHIuJhCOWanWcEvkGMzq4cu-xoP3Qtx56Igzgrw2lO6cy-zVOBZuifOvPu9mIu-Rkvf3oVNWMvFKZzj4NEijHFCQMnHyradJ6KdeaS72GzlDryikQb55ZO2IHMq7BELXP07e2JJ8/s16000/tumblr_mxilhpwvJa1rvez92o1_r1_500.gif" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-43467105730112715782023-01-20T00:39:00.002-05:002023-01-20T00:39:41.325-05:00To simply put it, I miss my mom...<p> To simply put it, I miss my mom...</p><p>There is not unit of measurement or words to describe how much I miss her. Every time I would wonder if there is an afterlife, I would also wonder if I died too, would I be able to see her again?</p><p>My memory is garbage. And when I do remember shit, it's usually things that were bad of my past. The "good" memories or any memory that wasn't bad (or scarring) come at random times, in random moments that I cannot control. When I try to remember "good" times, I cannot usually do it. </p><p>This ache, this pain, this....sadness... It hurts immensely despite being prescribed medication to help with depression, anxiety, etc. </p><p>And it's hard for me to, like, grieve properly. It hurts too much then my emotions and mind kind of shutdown and I revert to saying/answering things with "I dont know" or "I dont know anymore"...</p><p>For the past couple of days/nights, I've been crying, which is something I try not to do because often I was told not to cry because it was a bad thing to do or something along the lines of that. And even in my own apartment, by myself, I try not to cry. And I know that I am "allowed" to cry but when something is told to you so many times in younger years of age, it kind of sticks...</p><p>What I like to call, the 3-Headed Demon of my mind (Depression, Anxiety, and Anger/Judgement), has been sending "whispers" that I should just kill myself. I am NOT going to do that. However, fighting against the "whispers" is emotionally exhausting. When I want to distract myself from the "whispers" (by gaming, drawing, or writing), I often just zone out in games where it's easy to do that and not become emotionally invested into it (for me, easy games are Overwatch 2 & Elder Scrolls Online). Some emotionally invested games that I enjoy are Dragon Age Inquisition, Mass Effect Series, Witcher 3, etc.</p><p>I feel empty and yet filled with sadness and depression. And some anger. Why her? Why not me? I've been in a weird wanting/not wanting suicidal limbo of sorts. My mom, from what I can remember, brought more joy and more to this Earth than I ever did or will do. I am a wannabe artist who can never seem to improve their art and can't hold myself accountable for anything, let alone an art project that I say I want to finish but barely work on. The only reason... The only fucking reason I am still alive is because I love my cat too much to abandon her. And that might be hard to hear for some. I know I would deeply sadden, maybe even disappoint, those close to me if I decide to leave this world early. But honestly... I don't care... I mean I care about their feelings and such but yet... I dont… Call me selfish, whatever...</p><p>I'm surprised I got a lot of this onto the post... I am now feeling myself begin to shut down...</p><p>I don't know... I just know that I miss my mom...</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWRl3TZ_zhJB-3Sp0x8iED7bDzBwpQS0HsEZ-50Zo_zhU99XvJgJdt1usLUMAheACsrqQlsOAPFsfc07vQNAcS_wBb81PQATTD2ctRjuf_ceX1kwRlI9CEOBJC3MXFZ2x38A_YyuxXxOOPFtLWincMgs4QOlrBHNuF3d_vbX3z3FT0yFG3IOYaGrP2/s609/da.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="609" data-original-width="500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWRl3TZ_zhJB-3Sp0x8iED7bDzBwpQS0HsEZ-50Zo_zhU99XvJgJdt1usLUMAheACsrqQlsOAPFsfc07vQNAcS_wBb81PQATTD2ctRjuf_ceX1kwRlI9CEOBJC3MXFZ2x38A_YyuxXxOOPFtLWincMgs4QOlrBHNuF3d_vbX3z3FT0yFG3IOYaGrP2/s16000/da.gif" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-84905933817814352912023-01-15T13:06:00.001-05:002023-01-15T13:06:17.501-05:00The gears are starting to go but...<p> The gears of my brain and creative side are starting to go but I can already feel my mood and emotional state dropping due to the fact February is coming up, which sucks. I am trying to distract myself more so I don't feel the depression, sadness, and pain inside. I <u>know</u> it's not good to do this. I dont have any good reasons or excuses for doing things this way. I just do them this way. As long as I can push through, and distract myself through February, I will be fine.. I guess lol</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3dI-yH9n8mlMozaWjLbmXuUrGVnBLmj_8kKyYGFI4FPXLnmmUp-yGyCUMiuGj8SlzxfsKWp8qUcOkwBdeOaWFuyktb8jzQXsMY4RIps-9JpbVsnrlWz9qsjQuHWSlChybGxfJ68vXMihrJZDaQRHS1Bx8qg0iPEuQS5HLRyA-zEyoB9XO-sTJrb4t/s500/DescriptiveOddballKakapo-size_restricted.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3dI-yH9n8mlMozaWjLbmXuUrGVnBLmj_8kKyYGFI4FPXLnmmUp-yGyCUMiuGj8SlzxfsKWp8qUcOkwBdeOaWFuyktb8jzQXsMY4RIps-9JpbVsnrlWz9qsjQuHWSlChybGxfJ68vXMihrJZDaQRHS1Bx8qg0iPEuQS5HLRyA-zEyoB9XO-sTJrb4t/s16000/DescriptiveOddballKakapo-size_restricted.gif" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081996079987227040.post-40185557778229228492023-01-06T11:48:00.006-05:002023-01-06T11:48:49.832-05:00Is it Brain Fog, Burn Out or Something Else?<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjCiJRU0DY67R-p1FSn_y_Idtm7eaky3syDmeT8WsehJP0e865AhH_GOK1ZqC-zgdnhGRTAABZANWhAMtSWevm-4HnvBSfIct_WPsJDw-DBPL7JSnmhJzMAA9BQbDCh1k91zXhd3HBGdA41lev1gh65LanG5CF2nBTHae0tdQ6w2LO2hEZDFa5RaFeU" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="948" data-original-width="960" height="395" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjCiJRU0DY67R-p1FSn_y_Idtm7eaky3syDmeT8WsehJP0e865AhH_GOK1ZqC-zgdnhGRTAABZANWhAMtSWevm-4HnvBSfIct_WPsJDw-DBPL7JSnmhJzMAA9BQbDCh1k91zXhd3HBGdA41lev1gh65LanG5CF2nBTHae0tdQ6w2LO2hEZDFa5RaFeU=w400-h395" width="400" /></a></div> I am not sure what's going on with my brain. Though I am able to write these posts and such with ease, I am struggling to be creative right now. My creativity comes in bursts right now even though I really really REALLY want to be drawing. It's possible that my brain is being foggy. Another possibility is that it's a weird burnout. Could be something else for all I know. I am trying to get out of this lacking sense of focus. I look up reference images to get ideas to draw or I write down my ideas for later. Sometimes I have ideas but my brain goes "How Do?" when it comes to drawing things on paper or digitally. Its more of a struggle to put pencil to paper than thinking of ideas. But, dont get me wrong, coming up with ideas is still very hard too. I will continue to try and challenge myself through this challenging time (haha...) because I really do want to improve art and create a manga/doujinshi that spent lots of time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears on. I want to make it to my liking not just from a drawing aspect but also from a writing aspect. I know I can get out of this rut if I continue to work hard!<br /><p></p>Maxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00114014786784895576noreply@blogger.com