I hope they realize that I did care when they didn't. That I was always there for them when they weren't. That I was ready to save them and sacrifice my life for theirs. I actually had dreams that I'd save them but get injured in the process, then they realize how much i care. How much i like having them around. how much i was willing to give for them to see the next day. I don't care if they didn't care. Or if they didn't notice me. Or if they don't want me there. I care. I cared about them all. The ones who I know. The ones i don't. The ones that i like. The ones who hate me. The most of the ones i hate. It turns out I really care even if it doesn't seem like it. Even if i don't know that i do. And i really miss them. So, so much. But here is the key thing that hurts the most...They aren't there.
And what i mean is that I miss them but either they don't miss me or (even worse) they say they do miss me but when I am there to say hi and talk, I'm completely invisible so technically they are lying. How do I know they are lying? Here is a situation that happened recently.
I went to visit them and say Merry Christmas and Happy New Years etc. before the school closed for the holiday. It was like before it started. I was on crutches. I don't like elevators so I went up 6 sets of zigzag stairs (I know I am stupid for doing that). When i get to the 3rd floor i see one of the people i was gonna say hi to. She says hi but then walks into the classroom. I walk into the classroom and sit down. I got munchkins for the group of people. I give them to the person/teacher. After a bit of an awkward silence. She asks me what happened to my heel. I explain clumsiness. Then, here is what hurt a lot, she asks how my sister is. My *bleeping* sister. Like that just hurts a lot. I've been gone for a while and when i come back to say hi you ask about my sister. Wow, just, wow. Then after i say she's fine i just sit there in silence and awkwardness. Luckily another person/teacher who actually does care, what seems like the only person, walks in i ask her to come with me into the elevator because i have to go because of some made up lie to get out of the awkwardness. So then I leave.
Like why. Why why why why WHY?! I'm just invisible at the school. Always have. Always will. And that's why i do school at home now. I get more attention from my fish, cat, dog, and guinea pig than i ever did at school that is filled with like over 1000+ students & faculty. And guess what? The animals don't judge me. they notice me and care about me.
Even though i am no there at school it hurts me to say that i still miss people aren't even there.
Anyway...I learned something from this that i never knew/noticed until now:
I am missing something that was there but is now gone or that wasn't there to begin with. I have been through all the 11 years that i was at school. You were never there. Never have. Never will. I just hope you ALL know that when i thought you were there, it made me feel good. But it makes me feel better that I know now that i don't have to be hurt over people who weren't there in the first place........And I want to let you all to also know that I am going to erase you from my life. So this is like goodbye. Goodbye forever and I hope you have a happy life with out the spontaneous weirdo that is the awesomeness of me.
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