My Birthday is April 1st By The Way

My birthday this year is going to be good because I have plans on and after with family. And honestly, despite my previous blog posts about how I never got along with family, I am happy to be spending it with family. I am on better terms with my Aunt and Uncle and they dont "deadname" me which is very nice.

The only gripe I have about birthday is that I dont have a day (yet) where I am spending it with friends. Its understandable because they have lives and jobs and stuff. I get that. I do. I just wish I could spend it with my buddy Stanz or maybe spend it gaming online with my Call of Duty Buddies. But we'll see how I am feeling because I haven't been in the mood to play CoD. Mainly been playing Dragon Age Inquisition, Elder Scrolls Online, or Apex Legends (recently got an heirloom for the first time). I want to like playing Warzone and Call of Duty Vanguard but I haven't in the mood but maybe if I start playing I can get in the zone like I do with Apex Legends.

Forcing Myself to do what I love

 I have been trying to push through the neutrality and no-enjoyment of things to at least play games even if it feels like going through the motions. It's easier to mindlessly play Elder Scrolls Online compared to an Insanity Playthrough of Mass Effect Trilogy or even a Casual Playthrough of Dragon Age: Inquisition. There is even a bonus even going on right now (March 17 - March 22, 2022) where there is bonus XP-Gain, Gold-Gain, and Harvest Nodes Loot. They probably implemented it because the Dungeon Queue is currently very broken and things at night to seem to get laggy-er for people. I mean it happens with most of their big updates, this update being update 33 + Ascending Tides DLC.

I haven't tried the new dungeons because A. Dungeon Queue is broken and B. I just want to be alone mostly. I mean I lurk in the guild chat, rarely saying anything. I need to level up My Necromancer and one of my two Nightblades because those are the two classes I dont have Maxed out at level 50. But I also want to take advantage of the increased harvest node loot on my main...

In all honesty, I dont really want to do anything but I am forcing myself to, hoping that this feeling will go away. I really just want to lie in bed, with music playing, and let myself zone out even more than I am already. But I feel like that is bad for my brain and my emotional state of mind. And even when I do, like, lie in bed to go to bed and zone out to try and sleep, I feel like I need to be doing something even though I dont see my enjoyment currently.

Maybe I'll find enjoyment in a couple of games that are coming out next week. Tiny Tina's Wonderland and Ghostwire: Tokyo. Or maybe I'll find enjoyment on my birthday because I have stuff I am going to be doing that midday at least. Honestly, I dont know. But I can hope.

Currently I've lost Enjoyment on Things in My Life

I feel blocked out in my own mind. I can't draw or write stories even though I really want to. I can't see my creativity whatsoever. I don't feel like I am enjoying my usual hobbies, or at least the one I can do which is video games. I try playing Elder Scrolls Online or Mass Effect (my top two favorite games) and I dont feel enjoyment. I feel like I am just going through the motions. I end up not playing much and stare/watch some TV shows or Movies on one of many streaming platforms (Disney+, Netflix, Paramount+, Hulu, HBO Max, etc.). And even though I am watching a show I like, I'm not enjoying the show. It feels like I'm just staring at the ceiling that has TV on it, or something like that. The one thing, at the beginning of this no-feeling and neutrality, that I enjoyed was the Disney+ Movie Turning Red. But that was at the beginning when I kind of enjoyed things. But now it feels much worse than before. Or rather, I dont feel much of happiness or enjoyment as I did before. I do somewhat feel sadness but even that is like not completely there, so to speak.....

I have no idea what to do to solve this issue... But I wish I could enjoy anything right now. Games, Drawing, Writing, Daily life things. ANYTHING!

Lost in Thought & Other Thoughts

 

I've recently been kind of zoned out, maybe even dissociative. Sometimes it's a lost in thought kind of zoned out, other times I'm just zoned out without barely a thought.

It's been hard to focus on my artwork things or gaming things. Though I will say, its easier to focus on gaming things than drawing things. That causes minor frustration because I want to be doing artwork things compared to gaming things. Writing also seems like its comes easier than drawing.

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I've been playing Assassin's Creed Valhalla on PC (I technically finished main game on PS4) and it's been crashing a lot. Eventually when I get upset from all the crashes, I decide to play Elder Scrolls Online or Mass Effect 2.

I am almost done with my preparation playthrough of the Mass Effect 2 to gather weapons and armor for my Mass Effect 2 Insanity playthrough. I will say, I find it dumb that in Mass Effect 2 New Game+, you dont get to keep upgrades that you've gathered after doing so much planet scanning. It really is annoying considering on my current casual playthrough I gathered sooooo many upgrades for Weapons, Medi-gel and Health. I am happy that you get to keep weapons, armor, and heavy weapons from the previous playthrough (like the M-920 Cain, Kestrel Armor, Mattock Assault Rifle, and Phalanx Pistol. Those are key things for the Insanity Playthrough. At least from what I have read on forums and reddit). My current Shepard, Maxx Shepard, is a soldier class because that's what is recommended for the Insanity Playthrough on ME2. I might change him to Sentinel for ME3 but we'll see. I have to say the Soldier class is a decent class in ME2 with good abilities. Disruptor Ammo is good for the synthetic enemies (Geth) and shields while Incendiary Ammo is good for all other enemies and damaging armor. I dont use Cryo Ammo at all. Occasionally I use the Concussive Shot to either do damage or send enemies away, giving distance between me and them. I'll need to use Adrenaline Rush more when I do my insanity playthrough. And for bonus power I chose Geth Shield Boost to be able to bring up my shield when it gets knocked out. My go-to squad-mates are Miranda and Garrus (and sometimes Mordin). Their abilities give me the power to get rid of Shields, Armor, and Barriers. Mordin's Incinerate is better for Armor compared to Miranda or Garrus's abilities but Garrus has a sniper rifle and I have incendiary ammo to make up for that when Mordin isn't available or I dont want to take him on a mission (I also think that squad-mates are very squishy in Mass Effect 1 and 2 compared to Mass Effect 3).

On another note, I have a love-hate relationship with Apex Legends. I love it because when you're in a fight you aren't getting boxed in by someone building a dozen walls and floors (like in Fortnite) and I like the characters and weapons and most maps. However, I hate all the hacked enemies. And usually I start off with "practice/beginning" round because I have to like get into the zone and stuff. And often my aim sucks with most guns. My best guns are the wingman and R-301. Sometimes the R-99. And on a rare occasion I can get a single shot off with a sniper like the Sentinel. But all other guns I am terrible with....I also dont really have a main apex character. I like Octane, Revenant, Pathfinder and Lifeline but I mainly play what's needed for the Weekly Challenges for the Battle Pass (this recent BP wanted me to play Gibraltar which I am okay at I guess.).

Things I want to do vs Things I am doing

 I've been wanting to do a lot of things this year (and only been doing a small amount of them).

Here are the things I've been wanting to do (why I haven't been doing it):

• The Number one thing is that I want to focus more on my drawing/writing skills whether it be on traditional paper or digital paper (as they have deteriorated a little bit since 2019)
• Mass Effect Legendary Edition Playthrough PC (technically I am on Mass Effect 3 but I've back tracked a little to Mass Effect 2)
• Mass Effect Legendary Edition Insanity Playthrough/Achievement Hunting PC (I've finished Mass Effect 1 with about 100 saves lol, now I am on my Mass Effect 2 Casual Playthrough to gather Weapons and Armor for Mass Effect 2 Insanity Playthrough.)
• Dragon Age: Inquisition Achievement Hunting (I've been WANTing to do that but most of the achievements I need are the Trial Achievements which can be buggy and annoying)
• Yakuza Series Playthrough (I own all 7 on PS4 but I haven't really played them due to the fan on my PS4 going crazy when I play Yakuza Kiwami 2, which is the one I am on).
• More ESO Things like Farming Armor/Monster Sets, earn gold, level my alt characters, etc etc. (I log in to do my daily crafting writs but that's about it recently.)
• Watch more Anime (haven't felt like really sitting down and watching even though I was enjoying the anime I am currently watching, which is Kuroko's Basketball).
• Read more manga and novels (have difficultly sitting down and focusing on the item I am reading).

I really should just focus on one but I have focusing issues, along with patience issues and perfectionism issues (the perfectionism is more so with my drawings than gaming).

Its been 532 Days = 1 Year and 167 days since I've posted on here.

Some stuff has changed in my life over the course of a year and 167days. 

I go by Max now, instead of Mark for instance. I feel more Non-Binary, rather the feelings of being Transgender FTM. (I dont care about pronouns for myself, just get my name right please).

I've been trying to dedicate my time (and mind) to focus on my drawings and writing, compared to gaming all the time. Though I must admit its not going according to plan due to my brain and creativity being a little slower and my frustration on a high with little to no patience for minor mistakes in the artwork. Whether it be traditionally with Pencil or digitally with the Wacom One, I am trying my best to work on drawing and make improvements.

I've been wanting to watch more anime but it's difficult in the sense that I have to sit down and focus on the show and read subtitles. I can't just turn on an anime and draw while watching because I might miss out on something important. The current shows I am trying to watch though are Kuroko's Basketball, My Dress-Up Darling, and Free! Iwatobi Swim Club. And I have backlogged lots of Manga which I will get to in time, my free time that is.

I found a new singer that I thoroughly enjoy. Her name is Becky Hill and she has an amazing voice and awesome songs. My favorite, and her most recent, song is Run by Galantis and herself. I also enjoy the song Here For You by Wilkinson and Becky Hill. I still enjoy Porter Robinson and Krewella.

My "best friend" from Elementary/Middle School has ghosted me (which is ironic considering her boyfriend goes by the name Ghost). I've pretty much come to accept that if she wants to contact me she will but if she doesn't then oh well, another friend lost for me (which is a little depressing considering that I have only a few friends, all older than me though).

I have been working on losing the weight I gained after my mom passed away (you know, from stress/depression eating). I've been walking more and getting out of the apartment more which is good.

Recently my depression has been flicking on and off like a light switch and it's a bit frustrating because I go from 0 to 100 in an instant. I will say that my mood seems a bit stable right now though I have been in a more zoned-out mood. Like all I want to do is listen to music and zone out in thoughts. Maybe that's why I decided to post here on my blog. Its a place where I can just type and vent my thoughts and annoyances.

Hopefully this year I will keep up with this blog a bit better than last year, especially considering that I didn't post a single time at all last year.