I feel like all my "safety nets" that I once put up after my mom's passing (7 years ago) are failing or breaking or whatever.
The Breaking Nets:
- A close friend who I was able to talk to everyday about life and stuff has become annoyed and triggered by my venting. And when I asked to tell me if I am upsetting her, she didn't say she would or wouldn't. She got upset by me saying that. So it feels like I can't talk to her.
- Another close friend who used to live in town and was able to help me a lot with errands if they weren't busy moved to another country.
- I tried to make friends with the new Pastor at my church but I don't feel like I can talk spiritual or religious things to him. All he ever talks about (even after the church service) is overwatch. I get that outside of church that He, His son, and I used to play overwatch outside of church but that's OUTSIDE of church. He also has been a bit repetitive about something else and I understand that you were trying to relate to mental health issues BUT I dont need it to hear it so many times. I've had bad experiences with people repeating a single-topic sentence over and over and OVER again to the point that I just get irritated. And even though I feel like I might still be friends with his son, my anxiety/paranoia gets the better of me and I haven't talked to him either in fear of "gossip"/whatever. And I also now can't go to church because I don't like awkward interactions. And it really sucks since I have strong ties to my church
- My Psychiatrist who I thought was on my side feels like she is doing whatever she wants instead of listening to my preferences/needs. And when I tried to add a 3rd-Party (the close friend mentioned in first "net") I shutdown without even realizing it. And also felt like it was 2 vs 1 even though I expressed my concerns and such to the friend who I thought was with me but instead kept repeating stats and how she was a statistician.
- I haven't been really able to draw or write or read. Though I might have found a way to help ease the never-ending thoughts within my mind to at least draw and maybe write.
- The calm, comforting, caring voices within my mind have been harder to reach to find ease in this chaotic world.
- I often have days where I struggle to leave my apt, which makes me feel more isolated. I used to take uber rides to my local Starbucks or the mall to people watch and get out.
... It's hard to do things that I once used to love to do. And I am tired.