Pause Button on Life

Have you ever wanted to push the pause button on life? You're happy with life now. Happy with your age. Happy with the people you surrounded yourself with. So why not pause life and keep things how they are? I know I have and I feel that way right now.

Not to say that i love high school but at least i know (mostly) everyone in my grade. And most know me. In all honesty, I would miss every single person i know there. They all have a bits of themselves in my memories. And for some reason my mind is starting to fade. Hell, I'd forget something I'm doing right in the middle of doing it. And it's a scary thought to think of forgetting people you care deeply about.

It scares me to think about the death of my mom. my pets. my family. my friends, my enemies.....myself. It scares me to think about the future. About what's to come in life. What might or might not happen. It scares me so badly that I cant sleep because all i think about is the pain and sadness of having no one in my life.

I may have minor fears but nothing can possibly compare to the fear of the future and change that comes with the future.

There are so many people I care about. That care about me. That make me smile. That bring joy to my life. That make me laugh til I cry...I just don't want those people to be gone.....They matter so much to me.....

And people in my life that have moved but i still stay in contact with...Its not the same...It's soo different. I don't see their faces. I don't hear them as much unless on the phone. Even though I am happy for THEM that doesn't mean I am happy MYSELF.

Being a senior in high school, one 'normal' person might think "Yes! school is almost over! College here i come." Not me though. I'm scared. I'm scared because i don't know what i wanna do after high school. College? Break (For how long? Days? Weeks? Years? Forever?)? Job(s)? Nothing? I honestly don't know.

I play videogames and read manga to escape to the another world. It feels like I put pause on but i know i didn't....I draw and listen to music to relax (sometimes)....

[That is why I am posting a blog post at 3:30 in the morning.]

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