Normandy

Normandy

8.11.2013

My Life right now...

I have recently been a bit...nervous? scared?...I don't know. I've been a bit nervous, I guess, about being lonely. Since I've made the personal decision about not going to college right now, all my friends I hang out with are going off to college...So it seems like I'm gonna be stuck at home. My mom will be at work. My sister is at school. And my renter is a total douche-bag. So I'm stuck at home. I'm still debating whether or not if I want to go to my mom's college class she teaches. I have gotten into the habit of talking to myself because I've been alone a lot of my life. I've also gotten the habit of making voices/conversation with my pets. I know, I'm so freaking weird (Thank You for the compliment). So like it's gonna be lonely year. I have been alone a lot of my life and school year. Yea, I have my mom and a couple friends but a lot of the time I am alone playing video-games or on YouTube or watching anime or reading manga. I'd used to ask my friends all the time to hang out but they'd always say that they were busy or had stuff to do. Whether or not if it was true. Sometimes I feel like I became a Hikikomori. I have been bullied in kindergarten and 7-8th grade and some of high school. In 8th grade, I only went into school for Math, English, Social Studies(history), Science and I walked around the school for gym because I had the worst social anxiety. And since a good friend of mine betrayed me and caused this, it only made my social anxiety worse. Because I had social anxiety, I became very shy. And because I lost trust in my friend, it became hard for me to trust people. (Hence the Dandere definition below)

My life sucked a lot. I'm not even kidding.
  • Lost my best friend in 6th grade
  • Betrayed by my friend in 8th grade
  • Blackmailed by my friend in 8th grade
  • Bullied in kindergarten, 7-8th, and parts of high school
  • Almost all the girls in my grade in high school seemed to hate me (they'd give me the most dirtiest looks I have ever seen. Like when the popular girl sees you flirting with her boy, I didn't do that though because I am a lesbian so..yea...At least 2 girls made sure that I knew they hated me) 
  • My ex-friend still bullied me in high school, along with her new friend (especially because we were in Physics and English together. And the bitchy new friend was in gym class with me and influenced her friends and they would like talk about me and laugh at me)
  • I would always fall for straight girls. I told two girls. One turned me down. The other said it was sweet. She never said yes or no but at that time she had a boyfriend. And I'm pretty sure she is straight
  • Throughout my whole life my aunt, uncle and some what of my grandma would/are rude to me because they don't understand me or why do certain things the way I do


Honestly...I'm just upset...I don't like being alone. I'm 18 and still live in my home. I've thought about moving out but I could never do that because it would be so lonely. So quiet. So alone....I feel kinda depressed thinking about it...
Some might not understand this feeling but if you ever had super severe social anxiety like I do then it makes sense.

I'm trying to figure out what to do to get rid of my loneliness but it's harder than it looks/seems.

....I know there are people out there who have tough lives and I just wanted to say I have it more or less equal because a life that's tougher that another isn't right. OK?

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