Normandy

Normandy

11.25.2013

Deep Thinking Late Night Post

It's 1:30-ish AM. I can't sleep because I have so much on my mind. So I'm gonna let some of my thoughts flow from my brain onto my blog.
**NOTE: I AM BY NO MEANS SUICIDAL! THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE NOTE! I JUST HAVE A LOT ON MY MIND**

Recently I've been thinking about my past. And it's not just once. It's been on repeat over and over and over again. Whether the thoughts are in order doesn't matter. It is that they just keep repeating. And it hurts. Not cause of the trauma it caused but the past just hurts. Anyway I'm gonna say a few words about a few people I have met and that i'm currently thinking about. I shall NOT say their name but what I knew them as.

(I think [was] Head) Compass Program Teacher:
I only knew you from Mid-Sophomore Year to beginning of Senior year. We became close as a student and teacher relationship goes. We were friendly towards each other.Time in the Compass Class room was fun. I wasn't sure about Compass at first but then you showed me around. I met the other teacher and the Compass Program's Psychologist. For sometime, maybe entire time, we as students and teachers were close-knit family. Though there were times you'd lash-out at me and I'd lash back. Sometimes I thought you were harsh on me. But. I knew that you were trying to do what you thought was right. You were an amazing teacher. Maybe friend? My memory is horrible but I think the last time I talked to you was about an email you misinterpreted. I made sure to clear it up, and the air too. But after that I was nervous to say anything to you. I was scared. I was scared of post-judgement if that makes sense. From her. From others.
And now I regret.
Regret lashing out.
Regret getting annoyed.
I was young. I think back about Compass almost everyday...
I am sorry I never understood that you were trying to look out for me until now.
I am sorry.

Compass Seniors of 2013
It was nice while it lasted. Hanging with all of you was amazing. We were a family. We are now going our separate was. Whether that's college, staying home, already working at a job, whatever. Just know, you all were an amazing while it lasted.

Middle School Gym Teacher (Does not work at the middle school anymore)
You were so nice and understanding. After having my episode in 8th grade, you'd walk around the school and we'd talk about life and stuff at the time. I never thanked you but it means a lot. You didn't judge or anything when I came out to you. I was still nervous at the time about who I told after a student threaten to 'out' me. You were like "I had a roommate in college that was a lesbian, so don't worry its' alright." Everyone else at that school had a single road to follow and if you didn't follow that road, you were most likely 'let go'. I am assuming that either they let you go or you saw there illusion and left because you were there only for a single year. Once again, thank you so much for being so nice.

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There are many more but my mind is just focusing in on those few. A person can think about a lot at once when they are alone. My heart and mind aches. I am unable to sleep...Insanity? More like wishing I could thank the people I have met cause I know I'll most likely never meet them again.

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