Another One Month (and 5 Days) later

 Where has the time gone?

I haven't done much which makes me feel sad... I have books on Buddhism and mangas that I want to read but can muster up the [insert word here] to do so. I have games I want to play (like Baldur's Gate 3 on PC and Mass Effect Andromeda Achievement-Hunting on Playstation) but I revert back to playing comfort games (Like Fallout 76, ESO, Overwatch, or Animal Crossing). I want to work on my book as well as continue to improve my art but I have a few issues.

A. I get nervous about starting it

B. I get upset when it doesn't work out because I have bad perfectionism when it comes to my creativity.

C. My creativity has been very low with small moments of allowing me to create and be happy with the pieces that come out of the moments.

On top of all that I HAVEN'T DONE, my depression and stress and sense of loneliness has been at a major high again, meaning that I feel so alone and left behind and depressed that my very very VERY bad thoughts are back but I'm trying to fight them off. Or rather, distract them with my comfort things.

The reasons I feel left behind is that I feel like I have barely anyone around me that was in my social bubble.

1. My aunt and uncle are moving away to California (which is okay because I never was close to them but it's another loss in the bubble)
2. My sister lives in Maine, which is a major ways away. Especially since I don't drive nor would I want to drive all the way there just to see her (we aren't that close either...)
3. My best friend, who I thankfully still am able to play games with and talk to, moved away from the hometown where I reside to live with her boyfriend (which I am glad they are closer together. I just don't get to see her in person anymore).
4. My mom passed away 4yrs back so that another person gone from bubble.
5. My friend doesn't talk to me and we haven't seen each other in a while. I like being his friend but at the same time he can be a bit...annoying. He literally pokes me and its annoying. I will say I'm grateful he is still around, like in-state.
6. My close family friend moved a while back to be near grandchildren many years back. Which again, isn't bad. It's she is closer to her family. And I am glad we still talk and she visits a lot. 

I sound selfish. Change is inevitable. It happens. People change. Need to move on for whatever reason. And it's not to say I don't like where I live. I like where I live. I like my apartment. And I don't have a reason to move. And even if I were to move, I have no clue where I'd move to. I dont want to move near my aunt and uncle for many reason. Same goes for my sister. I don't want to move near my best friend because she and I would agree it would only hurt our friendship, which I do not want to do...again... I like where I live for many reasons. Plus I have my cat, who I'd think would hate moving anywhere and is used to most of my "rules" of my apartment. And I know that I could expand my social bubble but that takes emotional and social work which is very tiring for me. And it's hard for me to make friends. I'm socially awkward. I'm nearing my 30's. I have low self confidence. And I barely leave my apartment. Even going to the grocery store can be draining and I dont even understand why.

Sigh...

I feel like a selfish loser who is also a failure right now...