A Sliver of Clarity

 I've been lost in a sea of Sadness, in the dark depths of depression, covered in a dense fog that has been clouding my thoughts and mind for the past several months. Oddly, my "time of the month" has given me a small sliver of clarity. So I am going to use this clarity to try and write/type out my thoughts. Please Note: This is NOT me "feeling better" or "doing better". I am still adrift in a sea, stumbling in and out of the depths, only to be lost in fog.

The triggers for the anchor pulling me down into the depths could be one of many, a few of many, or all of them.

• Having a promised email being NOT sent to me, causing me anxiety/stress/overthinking which in turned caused spiraling.
• Having a friend move away, limiting my outings (whether it be casual or important).
• Being told that a beloved doggo of another has be put down (due to bone cancer) [and also being told that at a more inopportune time, as I was already not doing well].
• Feeling unsupported by the supposed support system (that doesn't consist of friends/family).
• Feeling ignored and feeling forced to conform to go to a "program" (which I assumes means hospitalization of some type), the generalized gist of the conversation was "I won't give ADHD med unless you have a job or in a "program".
• Feeling ignored by a therapist who said I'm not willing to put in the work for my apt." then them saying they never said that and that they are sorry that "I saw it in that manner" (I KNOW for once what you said, I remember. I just wish I recorded it as proof but I'm not an a-hole like that).
• Feeling like a therapist is giving me so many "shoulds" along with rigid Qs and As, which causes me to to WANT to hang up on the call. It does cause me to shutdown and become upset. (I understand it is their job to push but saying "I should ___" doesnt help nor does an excessive amount of pushing from any and all support system).
• Everyone, and I LITERALLY mean everyone, is telling me how I should expand my social circle and make friends.
1. Like that's totally easy as someone with severe social and general anxiety.
2. Would all of y'all kindly please shut. the. [FFFF]. up? (I'm tired of hearing it, no matter if it would be good or not).

And I'll be honest, I've been finding it a bit more supportive and helpful talking with family and friends recently (over licensed professionals). Sometimes I debate in my mind like "Maybe I should find new professionals BUT I tend to answer no for many reasons. A couple being that my current support system knows my history and I would find it a huge pain (and possibly trigger) to explain my whole entire history to someone new.

There are a couple things I wanna say to said support system:

T: I'm very very very mad at you for multiple reasons. We can chat later why.

D: Please try not being excessive with pushing of professional opinion. You can push, don't shove. Pretty much assume I'm on a ledge and too much pushing will lead to my "downfall" so to speak.

Dr. C: I feel like you haven't been listening to me at all recently. And giving me an ultimatum on an ADHD med that will more than likely give that schedule and purpose that you oh so desire for me is utter crap. I know not to rely on a med but I also know without that med, I cant focus on anything unless I am distracting. And the only reason I got these thoughts into words is because my damn period gave me a sliver, A SLIVER, clarity. And I am also mad at you (Sorry, Not Sorry).

Hospitalization of any kind is unwanted by me for a multitude of reasons. Even when I had my moment of mental breakdown, I did NOT want to go. And, hell, I'm glad I didn't go in that moment. I have such severe anxiety with hospitals, doctors, strangers, the unknown, etc.

Sometimes I get in a place where i dont want to talk to anyone, not even CH (which is wild because I talk to her almost everyday). I DO wish I could see/hear NA and AS but they've haven't been by in a bit, so to speak.

The sliver of clarity has now begun to close and the fog slowly surrounds me. I believe I've said what I've wanted to say, maybe I'll get a little clarity again later... Only time will tell.

Been more than 2 months since I've posted

 I have to go to my calendar to remember what I've more or less done since I've last posted.

In the month of:

June - I was playing Fallout 76 with my friends mainly and probably also playing Overwatch 2.

July - I had a family friend over and helping with appointments and stuff that needed to be done. Also went to Maine for one night as a goodbye vacation day to a friend.

Aug - kind of a blur...

I've been dealing with a cough/acid-flux issues and irritability issues as well. I haven't been feeling creative and have not been drawing at all even though I want to but I've been struggling to put pen to paper, whether it be traditionally or digitally.

I've been wasting my days playing World of Warcraft recently. Playing solo, leveling and mount farming.

The thoughts of suicide trickle in hear and there, but I've been not wanting to do anything but sleep. And when I'm awake, playing WoW, its pretty much zoning out which I consider a semi-somewhat form of like resting.

My Psychiatrist, who's prescribed me this ADHD med in the past, no longer willing to prescribe it to me and (in my opinion) doesn't give a valid reason. And I know I shouldn't "rely" on a med but like it helped me not only with getting stuff done for my comic book (which feels like is on an indefinite hiatus) but getting stuff done around the apartment, getting me antsy to go on walks and out of the apartment which I feel like might be good for me and what my therapists have all suggested I do. But no, she won't prescribe me the medication which I've had in the past. Though I will say, even if she were to prescribe me the medication, the Pharmacies near me barely ever fills in their backorders which make me so mad..

September will probably be a blur as well. I am excited for the end of October because Dragon Age: The Veilguard releases then (hopefully without too many issues).

Depression is still kicking my butt, more with the anger and irritability rather than the sadness, though there are still bouts of sadness of where I am missing my mom and feeling alone without her.

I don't have many friends in my vicinity to like hangout in person with anymore. And making friends is hard because I hate people for the most part. And I feel like there have been more bad, crazy, stupid people out and about. I tried to make a friend online for myself but they made me bored and annoyed.

I don't know what I want anymore. I dont know what I want to do, to get, to dream of...Nothing....

I... I just dont know anymore...

Another Gif, Made by Me

 

Drew a Gif on CSP :3

 

Abyss

 For the past approx. 5 weeks, I have not been okay. I've been having breakdowns and anxiety attacks (not to be confused by panic attacks). I've been uncontrollably crying, crying over (what I consider) stupid things (like movie trailers or songs. And the anxiety attacks make it hard to breathe and the thoughts are hard to control as well. I've also been having suicidal/self-harm thoughts (THOUGH I HAVE NO PLAN TO ACT ON THEM). Those are a bit easier to drown out. I've been talking to N and A, who've been helpful with consoling, comforting, and easing my pain. They understand and feel for me. I cannot express how much they mean to me and how helpful they are (along with my therapists and C). But even with all my "helpers", I still feeling like utter shit. Like I'm in the darkest abyss I've ever been in. And despite "helpers" trying to shine the light toward me, I cannot see it. My inner demons (depression, anxiety, grief, and paranoia) have been, what feels like, shredding me with their razor sharp "teeth" and "claws". I have meds but that only feels like it's doing a little help. And hospitalization/Outpatient/Day-program will more likely hinder than help me. Like even if its helps in the smallest bit, it will cause me more distress and upset and fear...The demon of my mind is like a three headed monster. Even thinking about it's physical form causes me a bit of distress... One time, while waiting for therapy appointment to start, I started having anxiety fueled depression (though I can't remember on what) and it caused my heart to race at unsafe levels for a moment and hurt my chest. My Samsung watch even said so.

C told me to try to imaging destroying the demon of my mind but I cannot do so. I've tried but it consistently destroying me and killing me, so to speak. Maybe I can visualize that because I know it cannot be healed. And I know I shouldn't let it "define who I am" but it's been literally eating me alive. 

Also, masking my emotions hasn't been working well recently. Like, normally I am good about not becoming emotional/cry in public but it's becoming harder and harder each day. Hell, I even got emotional watching trailers while I went to the movies the other day.

I also know expressing my emotions supposedly helps with easing the pain. But for me, I feel more and more and more pain with each tear that falls and I feel like it will result in poor choices if I let myself completely give in and "feel" these emotions completely... My distractions haven't been working as well as before. If I play ESO or other games that are more casual and chill, I feel the thoughts and emotions creep into my mind and make it difficult to focus on the game. Games like Mass Effect, Dragon Age, and Overwatch work a bit better because I am more focus driven and don't notice things. I need games that are story driven and needs lots of focus.

To simply put it,

I'm Not Okay.

My Hyperfixation on Fallout 76

I've been pretty much playing Fallout 76 for the past 3 weeks or so (probably since a couple days after the TV Show was released). I forgot how much I love this game and how much of a comfort game Fallout 76 is, for me at least. I was level 370 on April 22nd and by between April 27th-30th I leveled up to 400. I have about 180+hrs in the past three weeks. I will admit I have spent a couple all-nighters (not in a row) playing the game because I was having so much fun and lost track of time AND I wasn't tired because I was super focused. I've made a a new friend AND I have joined a Guild on Discord for the game. Often I join up with them while I play OR I play with my best friend (and their relationship partner) when they are online. I even have a book with tons of notes and stats on it, which I will share some info on this blog post.

I am currently Level 432, and working on trying to get enough Perk Coins to level up the last levels on my Legendary Perk Cards (the Legendary Perk S.P.E.C.I.A.L Cards for Endurance and Strength). I did the math, hopefully correct, and I need about 70 more levels/need to get to level 502 to get the total of 300 Perk Coins (I need 150 per Card Upgrade). Then after I get the final two Legendary Perk Cards upgraded. I can get the cards I want to have for the interchangeable on my build.

My Current Build:

My Legendary Perk Cards: Luck(4*), Int(4*), Str(3*), End(3*), Taking One for the Team (4*), and What Rads?(4*)

Perk Cards that are interchangeable:

[P]erception - Concentrated Fire

[E]ndurance - Ghoulish

[C]harisma - Inspirational

[I]ntelligence - Demolition Expert

[L]uck - Good with Salt

Legendary Perk Card: Taking One for the Team

(I dont wanna change my Strength Cards nor my Agility Cards unless they are situational like the agility card for crafting ammo).

Those cards I use for the most part but there obviously some cards that are situational (like Butcher's Bounty or Green Thumb). I have a list in my book on Perk Cards that I want to get. I need 14 levels to get the Perk Cards I want (though I might want more levels for other interchangeable cards). And the one card I want to get for the interchangeable Legendary Perk Card is Sizzling Style which gives Fire Protection and that will need another 300 Perk Coins (ugh) but that is on the bottom of my to do/to get list. 

My Current Mutations and Legendary Perks:

The Weapons I use are:

The Cremator (1 Mutants, 2 VATS Enhanced, 3 VATS Optimized) with Lithium (Pink) Projectiles, Multi-Shot Barrel, Fast Tank, and Slow Burning Tank.

Chainsaw (1 Vampire, 2 Crippling, 3 Light Weight) with Dual Bar and Flamer Mods.

Gatling Gun (1 Quad, 2 Rapid, 3 Swift) with Speedy Receiver, Long Barrel, Comfort Grip, Standard Mag, and Front Sight Ring.

I mainly use the Cremator and Chainsaw. I use the Gatling Gun sometimes and mainly when I am low on fuel. I have another Cremator crafted that I am trying to get Instigating on, though have yet to get it. I DO have an Auto-Axe but I am not using it UNTIL I get Vampire on it. Sadly it been several days if not weeks of scripping Legendaries and trying to roll the Vampire. No luck yet.

I have also placed my Camp in area closed to Starlight Berries and kind of near Firecracker Berries so I can farm them up (along with the Wendigo Cave for Brain Fungus) to get Berry Mentats for Intelligence. And I ALWAYS do Feed the People Event Quest for Mama Dolce so I can get the XP food (Canned Meat Stew). I've recently am trying to get my Intelligence up and keep XP buffs up when events are going on (though I am saving some of the XP Buff Foods and Items for when there is XP Bonus Weekends) to get the most XP. And whenever I am relatively close to leveling up, I go to West Tek to eliminated Super Mutants to get the last bit of XP to level (rather than waiting for the next event or whatever). I'm in the process of earning enough Gold Bullion to get Steven Scarberry (which is 4,000) while also saving some for whenever Minerva arrives in Appalachia (just incase she has something I want, like the Brotherhood Recon Right Leg which is an item I really want so I can try out the entire armor set though I've heard/read that the Secret Service armor is better [which is the armor I use]). I also want to get the Flannel Shirt and Jeans Shielded Upgrade, which you can only have a chance to get on a daily quest. That Flannel Shirt and Jeans under armor (with that upgrade) can give +3 Int which might not seem like a lot but with all the food/item buffs and XP bonuses, it can really add up to a lot of XP gain (which I really want so I can get those Perk Coins and Cards).

If you could tell by this post, I've really done my research while also having tons of fun within the game.

April Update

 April has been a weird month emotionally wise. At the beginning of April, I was doing great (especially since my birthday is at the beginning. And I was doing good for a while. Then my emotions dipped around mid-April, and I am unsure why. But I've been missing my mom, and the house I grew up in. I've been using my coping mechanisms, aka gaming, to distract from my sadness. I've been wanting to draw but my hands and brain cant seem to cooperate when it comes to drawing (and sometimes writing). Every time I try to draw, especially digitally, I get super frustrated/upset/angry. I am unsure whether or not that has to do with the non-cooperation OR my perfectionism. Either way, it sucks. But I shall continue to try to get something on physical or digital paper.

Wish me luck...