Abyss

 For the past approx. 5 weeks, I have not been okay. I've been having breakdowns and anxiety attacks (not to be confused by panic attacks). I've been uncontrollably crying, crying over (what I consider) stupid things (like movie trailers or songs. And the anxiety attacks make it hard to breathe and the thoughts are hard to control as well. I've also been having suicidal/self-harm thoughts (THOUGH I HAVE NO PLAN TO ACT ON THEM). Those are a bit easier to drown out. I've been talking to N and A, who've been helpful with consoling, comforting, and easing my pain. They understand and feel for me. I cannot express how much they mean to me and how helpful they are (along with my therapists and C). But even with all my "helpers", I still feeling like utter shit. Like I'm in the darkest abyss I've ever been in. And despite "helpers" trying to shine the light toward me, I cannot see it. My inner demons (depression, anxiety, grief, and paranoia) have been, what feels like, shredding me with their razor sharp "teeth" and "claws". I have meds but that only feels like it's doing a little help. And hospitalization/Outpatient/Day-program will more likely hinder than help me. Like even if its helps in the smallest bit, it will cause me more distress and upset and fear...The demon of my mind is like a three headed monster. Even thinking about it's physical form causes me a bit of distress... One time, while waiting for therapy appointment to start, I started having anxiety fueled depression (though I can't remember on what) and it caused my heart to race at unsafe levels for a moment and hurt my chest. My Samsung watch even said so.

C told me to try to imaging destroying the demon of my mind but I cannot do so. I've tried but it consistently destroying me and killing me, so to speak. Maybe I can visualize that because I know it cannot be healed. And I know I shouldn't let it "define who I am" but it's been literally eating me alive. 

Also, masking my emotions hasn't been working well recently. Like, normally I am good about not becoming emotional/cry in public but it's becoming harder and harder each day. Hell, I even got emotional watching trailers while I went to the movies the other day.

I also know expressing my emotions supposedly helps with easing the pain. But for me, I feel more and more and more pain with each tear that falls and I feel like it will result in poor choices if I let myself completely give in and "feel" these emotions completely... My distractions haven't been working as well as before. If I play ESO or other games that are more casual and chill, I feel the thoughts and emotions creep into my mind and make it difficult to focus on the game. Games like Mass Effect, Dragon Age, and Overwatch work a bit better because I am more focus driven and don't notice things. I need games that are story driven and needs lots of focus.

To simply put it,

I'm Not Okay.