2 Weeks Later Update

 I haven't posted in about two weeks due to the fact I was in a such a low place, I barely could do anything. I am in a slightly better place now. I can still see the tar pits of depression. But I am out of the pits for now. 

My main therapist, let's call her T, has been very repetitive with her opinion. One thing I cannot stand is being told something over and over and over again in a single instance. I know I'm forgetful but repeating stuff when I am already aware of whatever it might be just makes me angry. The thing she kept repeating is that "Eating Healthier and Exercise will Help you feel better". I barely got meals in when I was in the pit. It would be better to be like get meals in then work on getting your diet better. Because I know I eat junk. I am currently working getting proper meals in at proper times. Once that stays and my mood hopefully doesn't change, then I will work on getting a better diet. AND FOR A MATTER OF FACT "T" I AM EXERCISING. I GO ON MORE WALKS AND MY BACK DOESNT HURT AS MUCH!!!

On another note, when I told people in my life that I am (hopefully) going camping at some point, they were all extremely surprised. Just because I might not like bugs doesn't mean I cannot enjoy nature and fresh air. I actually am really excited to go camping.

Meh...

 As the seasons change, from Summer to Fall, so does my mood. Increasingly so from the Seasonal Affective disorder. I also felt my mood begin to drop from my normal depression.

This is gonna be a venting, thinking out loud kind of post...

I have been questioning why am I living, more so these days. Back when my mom was still living, I'd be the best caretaker I could be. And that gave me a reason to live. But now since she is gone, I dont feel like I have a purpose or reason to live. I just go day by day doing menial things or things I enjoy doing (like video games, drawing, writing, watching anime, etc.). I dont do anything that gives me purpose. I want to stream but I have difficulty doing so because I want to feel in the mood to stream rather than just doing it to do it. I want to better my drawing but, with everything going in the outside world, I have no idea on how to do that. I thought about college but I just....I dont wanna waste money on something I might not stick with (I have trouble with sticking to planned out things).

There are a lot of wants but I, in all honesty, have absolute no motivation. And if I do get motivated, its in random bursts of motivations, not long term. Just enough motivation to either start or continue a piece of artwork i was working on.

I barely have the motivation to get these thoughts onto this post but I am doing my best to push through and get it all down on here with little grammatical errors.

...

I want to die because I miss my mom. I dont care if the end of life is just a sudden stop or heaven or endless darkness.... I dont have open people to talk to about things and such. Yea, I have therapists or family friends, but I could talk to my mom about anything without a censor. I dont have my head pats or hugs. I mean, yea with COVID going on, its better that's she is gone so doesn't have to suffer through the COVID complications. And yea, without my mom here, I moved to an apartment with a new cat who is loving but sometimes a little shit (that's how cats are, i know). But I'm still grieving immensely. I hurt. I'm in pain, physically/emotionally/mentally. And I know I've let myself go. I've gained weight. I cannot walk as much as I used to be able to due to back issues and weight gain. My mood and psyche had deteriorated significantly. I don't have the memory like i used to. I literally have to write down anything I want to remember...I must admit I also have a great discomfort with the thought of growing old...I'm crying...I want to scream in anguish.