As the seasons change, from Summer to Fall, so does my mood. Increasingly so from the Seasonal Affective disorder. I also felt my mood begin to drop from my normal depression.
This is gonna be a venting, thinking out loud kind of post...
I have been questioning why am I living, more so these days. Back when my mom was still living, I'd be the best caretaker I could be. And that gave me a reason to live. But now since she is gone, I dont feel like I have a purpose or reason to live. I just go day by day doing menial things or things I enjoy doing (like video games, drawing, writing, watching anime, etc.). I dont do anything that gives me purpose. I want to stream but I have difficulty doing so because I want to feel in the mood to stream rather than just doing it to do it. I want to better my drawing but, with everything going in the outside world, I have no idea on how to do that. I thought about college but I just....I dont wanna waste money on something I might not stick with (I have trouble with sticking to planned out things).
There are a lot of wants but I, in all honesty, have absolute no motivation. And if I do get motivated, its in random bursts of motivations, not long term. Just enough motivation to either start or continue a piece of artwork i was working on.
I barely have the motivation to get these thoughts onto this post but I am doing my best to push through and get it all down on here with little grammatical errors.
...
I want to die because I miss my mom. I dont care if the end of life is just a sudden stop or heaven or endless darkness.... I dont have open people to talk to about things and such. Yea, I have therapists or family friends, but I could talk to my mom about anything without a censor. I dont have my head pats or hugs. I mean, yea with COVID going on, its better that's she is gone so doesn't have to suffer through the COVID complications. And yea, without my mom here, I moved to an apartment with a new cat who is loving but sometimes a little shit (that's how cats are, i know). But I'm still grieving immensely. I hurt. I'm in pain, physically/emotionally/mentally. And I know I've let myself go. I've gained weight. I cannot walk as much as I used to be able to due to back issues and weight gain. My mood and psyche had deteriorated significantly. I don't have the memory like i used to. I literally have to write down anything I want to remember...I must admit I also have a great discomfort with the thought of growing old...I'm crying...I want to scream in anguish.
