Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over

 Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over (However, I still need to get through February).

I've been distracting myself with playing through all of Pokémon Scarlet DLC. Now I am Shiny Hunting on the Overland while also hatching eggs. I havent gotten lucky yet from the eggs, however on Dec 26 I found like 6 Shinys in the Overland. I am happy that I got shinies, I am not ungrateful but I want to get the ones Im trying to hatch. I am currently hatching eggs for Espurr (So far, ive hatched over 100)

I have a list of ones I want.

• Komala
• Klawf
• Flabebe
• Eiscue
• Chewtle
• Pawmi
• Drifloon
• Bounsweet
• Eevee -> Slyveon
• Applin -> Dipplin
• Ekans ->Arbok
• Koffing
• Poochyena
• Litwick -> Chandelure
• Mienfoo ->Mienshao
• Tentacool (non-paldean)
• Magby ->Magmar
• Mudkip -> Swampert
• Minun
• Solosis -> Reuniclus
• Pikipek -> Toucannon
• Venonat

I realize the list above has a long way to go if I am going to try and hatch them all. I hope that I can also get more herba mystica for shiny power sandwiches for either mass outbreaks or just roaming the overland areas for the pokemon listed above. (for all i know the list above might get longer).

The Ones Ive hatched/caught

• Rockruff (for a friend)
• Snubbull (for a friend)
• Naclstack
• Cyclizar
• Lechonk
• Crabrawler
• Skiddo
• Zoroark
• Cubchoo
• Rellor
• Mareep
• Rolycoly
• Sprigatito
• Slowpoke
• Sneasel
• Jumpluff
• Meditite
• Pyroar
• Tarountula
• Greavard
• (Paldean) Wooper
• Sinistea
• Minior
• Chansey
• Tyrogue
• Mudsdale
• Exeggcute
• Sawsbuck
• Smeargle
• Deerling
• Toxtricity

(I feel like) I am a waste of space.

I don't do anything in life, which is the reason for feeling the way I do mentioned in my previous post.

But...

My life has no meaning. I have no reason to live, except for myself (meh) and for my cat (not as meh). I don't have a reason for living and at the same reason I have no reason for dying (despite what my depression and suicidal ideations/thoughts might try to convince me of).

I don't believe I'll ever get to see my mom again, in any capacity (like Heaven/Hell/Afterlife). I still hurt immensely by this fact though. Death is the end. I am hoping that there is NO such thing as reincarnation  because I've lived my life, I don't want to live another in any sort of form.

I don't do anything but at the same time its like, I don't want to "branch out" or "expand my horizons" because it takes a lot of emotional/mental/and possibly physical activity to do anything different and I just don't feel up to it. And I am honestly not good at anything anymore, so I'd rather fail at things I already know I am bad at than feel worse for failing at something new. Call me a quitter, giver-upper, whatever. I don't care.

When my mom was alive, I felt like my purpose to life/to live was to take care of my mom and help her stay alive and such things. Maybe I was ignorant at the fact she was struggling and once I saw her in the hospital bed, hooked up to the machines, I knew my help wasn't working and nothing I could do would work to help her stay alive. Maybe it's better she wasn't alive to deal with COVID or other very debilitating viruses going around now that might have/probably would have affected her. 

The point of this post is this:

I have no life

I have no purpose for life or death.

I am pathetic

I am nothing

And in all honesty, I just feel like a waste of space...