Another One Month (and 5 Days) later

 Where has the time gone?

I haven't done much which makes me feel sad... I have books on Buddhism and mangas that I want to read but can muster up the [insert word here] to do so. I have games I want to play (like Baldur's Gate 3 on PC and Mass Effect Andromeda Achievement-Hunting on Playstation) but I revert back to playing comfort games (Like Fallout 76, ESO, Overwatch, or Animal Crossing). I want to work on my book as well as continue to improve my art but I have a few issues.

A. I get nervous about starting it

B. I get upset when it doesn't work out because I have bad perfectionism when it comes to my creativity.

C. My creativity has been very low with small moments of allowing me to create and be happy with the pieces that come out of the moments.

On top of all that I HAVEN'T DONE, my depression and stress and sense of loneliness has been at a major high again, meaning that I feel so alone and left behind and depressed that my very very VERY bad thoughts are back but I'm trying to fight them off. Or rather, distract them with my comfort things.

The reasons I feel left behind is that I feel like I have barely anyone around me that was in my social bubble.

1. My aunt and uncle are moving away to California (which is okay because I never was close to them but it's another loss in the bubble)
2. My sister lives in Maine, which is a major ways away. Especially since I don't drive nor would I want to drive all the way there just to see her (we aren't that close either...)
3. My best friend, who I thankfully still am able to play games with and talk to, moved away from the hometown where I reside to live with her boyfriend (which I am glad they are closer together. I just don't get to see her in person anymore).
4. My mom passed away 4yrs back so that another person gone from bubble.
5. My friend doesn't talk to me and we haven't seen each other in a while. I like being his friend but at the same time he can be a bit...annoying. He literally pokes me and its annoying. I will say I'm grateful he is still around, like in-state.
6. My close family friend moved a while back to be near grandchildren many years back. Which again, isn't bad. It's she is closer to her family. And I am glad we still talk and she visits a lot. 

I sound selfish. Change is inevitable. It happens. People change. Need to move on for whatever reason. And it's not to say I don't like where I live. I like where I live. I like my apartment. And I don't have a reason to move. And even if I were to move, I have no clue where I'd move to. I dont want to move near my aunt and uncle for many reason. Same goes for my sister. I don't want to move near my best friend because she and I would agree it would only hurt our friendship, which I do not want to do...again... I like where I live for many reasons. Plus I have my cat, who I'd think would hate moving anywhere and is used to most of my "rules" of my apartment. And I know that I could expand my social bubble but that takes emotional and social work which is very tiring for me. And it's hard for me to make friends. I'm socially awkward. I'm nearing my 30's. I have low self confidence. And I barely leave my apartment. Even going to the grocery store can be draining and I dont even understand why.

Sigh...

I feel like a selfish loser who is also a failure right now...

Experiencing and Learning from the Buddha's Teachings (one month later)

 I've been spending the past few weeks reading about Ikigai, Ichigo Ichie, and Kaizen as well as exploring the wisdom and information about Buddhism and Zen Buddhism. The different of aspects of Buddhism peak my interest and the fact that it feels a bit more realistic and grounded FOR ME is helpful. As someone who is often anxious and/or depressed, finding Buddhism has helped me cope/deal and let myself feel those (along with other) emotions. Like, the Buddha taught that we are essentially prisoners of our own minds, bound by out beliefs, perceptions and ideas (which I find very accurate). We seen an inaccurate version of reality that causes us unnecessary suffering. Buddha's teaching help us after that perspective and learn that the unnecessary sufferings we experience has more to do with how we see things than what we see.

You're meant to put the Buddha's teachings into practice, not meant to be believed in, which is what I'm trying to do.

I'm trying to connect with myself and my inner kindness and compassion while learning to allow myself to feel the many different emotions that are a part of life.

I do try to meditate more often to connect with my inner self, nature and the universe.

[About] One Month Later!

 

I've been feeling a bit better, emotion wise. I've been cleaning/preparing for a family friend who's coming to visit. I'm excited for the day I do groceries this week because I've been craving to cook more and I am going to my local grocery store along with my local Asian Market. Maybe I've been in the mood because I've been watching some cooking TV Shows and Videos. I often love experimenting different ideas I get in my head for cooking. I will do that along with cooking some recipes I found in my cookbooks (the recipes for Karage, a Steak Sandwich from Sword Art Online, Korokke, and Coffee Jelly). They are actually based on Manga Books/Anime Shows which I think is really cool. I've made coffee jelly before and it was really good and I recently ordered some weird but tasty coffee beans so I'll be using one of those (either Cookies and Cream or the one that tastes fruity). 

I'm trying to "adult" more in the sense of keeping things cleaner than when I am depressed, cooking more than ordering food, work on my project. Hell, I'm getting a bedframe because for the longest of times I didn't have a bedframe and not because I was poor but because when I was really young (and kind of stupid) I took apart my bunk bed I had (because I was a curious kid) though eventually we had to toss it due to it breaking on important structural parts (lol, my bad). I will say being an adult is difficult sometimes. Like as an anti-social person who hates dealing with robots on important phone calls, makes phone calls for important things tedious. It's been very hot recently, or thundering, which makes it difficult for me to go outside to do trash/recycle runs (as I have to walk to the large bins) but I will do it if need be. 

I've also, in my spare time, been playing a ton of Mass Effect Trilogy (and some Overwatch 2, despite Blizzard being complete assholes but I don't want to get into that right now). I actually got through Mass Effect 1 and 2 over the course of like 3 - 4 days, again in my spare time. I'm now on Mass Effect 3 and just finished the Mars mission. I'm hoping that I can re-spec my talents with my Shepard because I dont like how they auto-set some of my talents.