The Breaking Nets

 I feel like all my "safety nets" that I once put up after my mom's passing (7 years ago) are failing or breaking or whatever.

The Breaking Nets:

1. A close friend who I was able to talk to everyday about life and stuff has become annoyed and triggered by my venting. And when I asked to tell me if I am upsetting her, she didn't say she would or wouldn't. She got upset by me saying that. So it feels like I can't talk to her.
2. Another close friend who used to live in town and was able to help me a lot with errands if they weren't busy moved to another country.
3. I tried to make friends with the new Pastor at my church but I don't feel like I can talk spiritual or religious things to him. All he ever talks about (even after the church service) is overwatch. I get that outside of church that He, His son, and I used to play overwatch outside of church but that's OUTSIDE of church. He also has been a bit repetitive about something else and I understand that you were trying to relate to mental health issues BUT I dont need it to hear it so many times. I've had bad experiences with people repeating a single-topic sentence over and over and OVER again to the point that I just get irritated. And even though I feel like I might still be friends with his son, my anxiety/paranoia gets the better of me and I haven't talked to him either in fear of "gossip"/whatever. And I also now can't go to church because I don't like awkward interactions. And it really sucks since I have strong ties to my church
4. My Psychiatrist who I thought was on my side feels like she is doing whatever she wants instead of listening to my preferences/needs. And when I tried to add a 3rd-Party (the close friend mentioned in first "net") I shutdown without even realizing it. And also felt like it was 2 vs 1 even though I expressed my concerns and such to the friend who I thought was with me but instead kept repeating stats and how she was a statistician.
5. I haven't been really able to draw or write or read. Though I might have found a way to help ease the never-ending thoughts within my mind to at least draw and maybe write.
6. The calm, comforting, caring voices within my mind have been harder to reach to find ease in this chaotic world.
7. I often have days where I struggle to leave my apt, which makes me feel more isolated. I used to take uber rides to my local Starbucks or the mall to people watch and get out.

... It's hard to do things that I once used to love to do. And I am tired.

A Sliver of Clarity

 I've been lost in a sea of Sadness, in the dark depths of depression, covered in a dense fog that has been clouding my thoughts and mind for the past several months. Oddly, my "time of the month" has given me a small sliver of clarity. So I am going to use this clarity to try and write/type out my thoughts. Please Note: This is NOT me "feeling better" or "doing better". I am still adrift in a sea, stumbling in and out of the depths, only to be lost in fog.

The triggers for the anchor pulling me down into the depths could be one of many, a few of many, or all of them.

• Having a promised email being NOT sent to me, causing me anxiety/stress/overthinking which in turned caused spiraling.
• Having a friend move away, limiting my outings (whether it be casual or important).
• Being told that a beloved doggo of another has be put down (due to bone cancer) [and also being told that at a more inopportune time, as I was already not doing well].
• Feeling unsupported by the supposed support system (that doesn't consist of friends/family).
• Feeling ignored and feeling forced to conform to go to a "program" (which I assumes means hospitalization of some type), the generalized gist of the conversation was "I won't give ADHD med unless you have a job or in a "program".
• Feeling ignored by a therapist who said I'm not willing to put in the work for my apt." then them saying they never said that and that they are sorry that "I saw it in that manner" (I KNOW for once what you said, I remember. I just wish I recorded it as proof but I'm not an a-hole like that).
• Feeling like a therapist is giving me so many "shoulds" along with rigid Qs and As, which causes me to to WANT to hang up on the call. It does cause me to shutdown and become upset. (I understand it is their job to push but saying "I should ___" doesnt help nor does an excessive amount of pushing from any and all support system).
• Everyone, and I LITERALLY mean everyone, is telling me how I should expand my social circle and make friends.
1. Like that's totally easy as someone with severe social and general anxiety.
2. Would all of y'all kindly please shut. the. [FFFF]. up? (I'm tired of hearing it, no matter if it would be good or not).

And I'll be honest, I've been finding it a bit more supportive and helpful talking with family and friends recently (over licensed professionals). Sometimes I debate in my mind like "Maybe I should find new professionals BUT I tend to answer no for many reasons. A couple being that my current support system knows my history and I would find it a huge pain (and possibly trigger) to explain my whole entire history to someone new.

There are a couple things I wanna say to said support system:

T: I'm very very very mad at you for multiple reasons. We can chat later why.

D: Please try not being excessive with pushing of professional opinion. You can push, don't shove. Pretty much assume I'm on a ledge and too much pushing will lead to my "downfall" so to speak.

Dr. C: I feel like you haven't been listening to me at all recently. And giving me an ultimatum on an ADHD med that will more than likely give that schedule and purpose that you oh so desire for me is utter crap. I know not to rely on a med but I also know without that med, I cant focus on anything unless I am distracting. And the only reason I got these thoughts into words is because my damn period gave me a sliver, A SLIVER, clarity. And I am also mad at you (Sorry, Not Sorry).

Hospitalization of any kind is unwanted by me for a multitude of reasons. Even when I had my moment of mental breakdown, I did NOT want to go. And, hell, I'm glad I didn't go in that moment. I have such severe anxiety with hospitals, doctors, strangers, the unknown, etc.

Sometimes I get in a place where i dont want to talk to anyone, not even CH (which is wild because I talk to her almost everyday). I DO wish I could see/hear NA and AS but they've haven't been by in a bit, so to speak.

The sliver of clarity has now begun to close and the fog slowly surrounds me. I believe I've said what I've wanted to say, maybe I'll get a little clarity again later... Only time will tell.

Been more than 2 months since I've posted

 I have to go to my calendar to remember what I've more or less done since I've last posted.

In the month of:

June - I was playing Fallout 76 with my friends mainly and probably also playing Overwatch 2.

July - I had a family friend over and helping with appointments and stuff that needed to be done. Also went to Maine for one night as a goodbye vacation day to a friend.

Aug - kind of a blur...

I've been dealing with a cough/acid-flux issues and irritability issues as well. I haven't been feeling creative and have not been drawing at all even though I want to but I've been struggling to put pen to paper, whether it be traditionally or digitally.

I've been wasting my days playing World of Warcraft recently. Playing solo, leveling and mount farming.

The thoughts of suicide trickle in hear and there, but I've been not wanting to do anything but sleep. And when I'm awake, playing WoW, its pretty much zoning out which I consider a semi-somewhat form of like resting.

My Psychiatrist, who's prescribed me this ADHD med in the past, no longer willing to prescribe it to me and (in my opinion) doesn't give a valid reason. And I know I shouldn't "rely" on a med but like it helped me not only with getting stuff done for my comic book (which feels like is on an indefinite hiatus) but getting stuff done around the apartment, getting me antsy to go on walks and out of the apartment which I feel like might be good for me and what my therapists have all suggested I do. But no, she won't prescribe me the medication which I've had in the past. Though I will say, even if she were to prescribe me the medication, the Pharmacies near me barely ever fills in their backorders which make me so mad..

September will probably be a blur as well. I am excited for the end of October because Dragon Age: The Veilguard releases then (hopefully without too many issues).

Depression is still kicking my butt, more with the anger and irritability rather than the sadness, though there are still bouts of sadness of where I am missing my mom and feeling alone without her.

I don't have many friends in my vicinity to like hangout in person with anymore. And making friends is hard because I hate people for the most part. And I feel like there have been more bad, crazy, stupid people out and about. I tried to make a friend online for myself but they made me bored and annoyed.

I don't know what I want anymore. I dont know what I want to do, to get, to dream of...Nothing....

I... I just dont know anymore...