This blog post will a personal one and a life changing one (depending on those who read it).
Some people may know me as Michelle. A loving, caring daughter. The girl who always used to wear hoodies. A friend who loves playing games with them. A person who never shuts up about Mass Effect. A gamer who has many, many games but only seems to now play Overwatch or games on her PS4. A loner who never really speaks up. This list goes on and on, and I’d rather not bore you with my list of who I am to people.
For many years a personal thought came to my mind but always at points in my life when I was too stressed out or busy to talk about or even think about. And now I’ve had time to really ponder things pertaining to the thought. As I said earlier, I’ve thought about this for many years now (in one form or another). I have come to the conclusion that at the very least I have body dysphoria. But honestly, I want to become my true self which happens to be a male (or trans-man should I say?). I have always felt discomforted with my body image. The more I’ve grown, I’ve disliked being in a female body for many reasons. I don't like periods nor do I plan on having kids. I'd rather adopt. I dislike my breasts. I'd rather have a chest than breasts. And I am more comfortable thinking that I am in a mans body than in a female body. I will say I don't know if I'll save my money for bottom surgery as its more expensive (especially if you want the almost perfect quality), not usually covered by insurance, and can have more complications than getting a bilateral mastectomy or "top surgery".
Not only would I feel more comfortable, I might even feel more confident in myself. I mean I already dress in men’s wear and use men’s body care products. Some might not know but I am attracted to females (and on small occasion, males as well). I’d become a bisexual (but leaning towards straight) (trans)man. I WANT TO NOTE THAT NONE OF WHAT'S MENTION IN THIS PARAGRAPH MEANS THAT I AM MAN, IT JUST MEANS I AM MORE MASCULINE. I COULD JUST BE A MASCULINE LESBIAN BUT THAT WOULDN'T FEEL RIGHT TO ME! (I knew in the beginning why i was shouting but later on I see no reason to shout).
I do have some fears because I would not only be scrutinized for being a trans man but I’d also be under the microscope for being colored, not black but Indian (from India). Whether it be from strangers or cops (because a lot a cops are known to be biased against colored people, especially men). And then there are public bathroom situations but I'll cross that road when it comes.
Anyhow, I hope you can accept me as a son, brother, cousin, and/or friend as I am still me on the inside and outside now too. To anyone who can't accept the real me, I understand. It's a lot of change at once.
Though I am going at this transition slowly. I've cut my hair and got new glasses. I am going to see a therapist who will help me with the steps towards my transition. Here is the order I hope to eventually get things done (as life likes to throw curve-balls my and my family's way):
- See the Therapist
- See an Endocrinologist
- Get onto Testosterone
- Let that do its thing for a while
- Set up top surgery (either near the beginning of T or later)
- Live my new life as a new man
And while I am doing this I hope to lose some weight and gain some muscle. I want to be fit rather than average (or more as T moves your weight from other areas to your abdomen)