Bettering Myself: A Minor Update

Normally I am a self-loathing, pessimistic, (sometimes) suicidal sack of crap. But I've finally crawled out of the hole I've dug for many years. That hole is probably a 8 year-deep hole of just almost absolute sadness and depression. But I've done it. It only took a couple months but it was a long, treacherous journey of self-discovery and self-loving. As I step more into my true-self, that being a transgender man named Mark, I've opened up eyes and myself. For example, I'd do a stupid thing for like 12 years or so and that would be wearing jeans (sometimes sweatpants) on hot summer days (up to like 100'F sometimes). Now, I've finally feel comfortable with my legs enough to wear shorts! I've really been stupid and missing out because of my timidity. I'm trying to currently lose weight by running on the treadmill and eating healthier and smaller portions. I have to add more to my exercise but I'm still new to the exercise world. I'm wearing tanks. I am also trying to make it known that I am Mark and no longer Michelle. I am working hard at this. It will still take some learning and time but I stand proud, (more) confident, and happier than before. I'm not saying I wont have bad days but I gotta remember this feeling of happiness and confidence. And thats the "minor" update in my life.


Where am I in Life

Life has been great recently. I’ve been going to College for about two weeks (technically five days of two weeks[I believe it's like 9 classes total, 5 of one class and 4 of another]). And so far, College has been amazing. One of my two classes is an Art Class that is interesting and fun to me so far but I know eventually it will get serious. The other class is a seminar of sorts. That seminar is a decent class. I only say decent because I’m not one normally for socializing, especially in class.

I also have been becoming closer with the manly side of myself. Since the college is kind enough to change my name to my male name even though legally I haven’t changed my name (though I am hoping to), I feel closer with myself. My new self, my true self.

I will admit, sometimes I wish I was the stereotype of normal. All this change isn't easy on me or my mom especially. But then I realize, I am happy as who I am. I am a trans-man named Mark who like gaming, drawing, and writing (along with so much more).

I will admit since I’ve started college, I haven’t been gaming on my computer as much. I’ve been wanting to play more Overwatch but been so lazy that I stay on my couch and instead play Call of Duty WWII on my PS4. I’ve been wanting to play Mass Effect instead of Call of Duty but I am running out of space on my PS4. I mean I COULD play it on my PC but I’ve been so lazy like I said. The homework assignments have been keeping me busy over gaming which is good in a sense but I’ve been lacking in gaming with my main three friends online but I still talk to my best friend.

With all this laziness, I’ve been somewhat gaining unwanted weight. I need to work out more. I walk a lot now but I need to walk more. I need to work on my arms and legs. There is so much I want to do before I start transitions...

My digital artwork has gotten better, though there is plenty of room for improvement. I’m excited to learn more about different digital artwork programs (Photoshop, Illustrator, Clip Studio, etc). If I want to become a concept artist I have to delve deeper into the digital art world. I’ve learned that I enjoy my Surface Pro but I do worry that when I press down I will break the screen so I am thinking about possibly buying a Wacom Intuos Pro Medium but thats alot of money so I’ll have to work on that…

All of this takes time (and money) so I will do my best to work on this slowly but at a good pace.


College so far...

I've only been to college for two days and so far its amazing, much better than my anxiety wanted to make its seem.

My first class is Digital Trio, which is all about Photoshop and shit. Its fun so far. The teacher is super chill and really nice. I'm excited for this class.

Same goes for my second class, the teacher is also really nice. Its called Seminar but its considered a class. Its seems okay but some parts I don't like.

The Library will be like my home away from home because there its quiet and nice and I can eat in there as well. Its a nice interior-ed building.

Plus everyone will/is calling me Mark which makes me happy. College is very accommodating and considerate.


A Personal and Life Changing Decision [Explicit/Detailed]

This blog post will a personal one and a life changing one (depending on those who read it).
Some people may know me as Michelle. A loving, caring daughter. The girl who always used to wear hoodies. A friend who loves playing games with them. A person who never shuts up about Mass Effect. A gamer who has many, many games but only seems to now play Overwatch or games on her PS4. A loner who never really speaks up. This list goes on and on, and I’d rather not bore you with my list of who I am to people.

For many years a personal thought came to my mind but always at points in my life when I was too stressed out or busy to talk about or even think about. And now I’ve had time to really ponder things pertaining to the thought. As I said earlier, I’ve thought about this for many years now (in one form or another). I have come to the conclusion that at the very least I have body dysphoria. But honestly, I want to become my true self which happens to be a male (or trans-man should I say?). I have always felt discomforted with my body image. The more I’ve grown, I’ve disliked being in a female body for many reasons. I don't like periods nor do I plan on having kids. I'd rather adopt. I dislike my breasts. I'd rather have a chest than breasts. And I am more comfortable thinking that I am in a mans body than in a female body. I will say I don't know if I'll save my money for bottom surgery as its more expensive (especially if you want the almost perfect quality), not usually covered by insurance, and can have more complications than getting a bilateral mastectomy or "top surgery".

Not only would I feel more comfortable, I might even feel more confident in myself. I mean I already dress in men’s wear and use men’s body care products. Some might not know but I am attracted to females (and on small occasion, males as well). I’d become a bisexual (but leaning towards straight) (trans)man. I WANT TO NOTE THAT NONE OF WHAT'S MENTION IN THIS PARAGRAPH MEANS THAT I AM MAN, IT JUST MEANS I AM MORE MASCULINE. I COULD JUST BE A MASCULINE LESBIAN BUT THAT WOULDN'T FEEL RIGHT TO ME! (I knew in the beginning why i was shouting but later on I see no reason to shout).

I do have some fears because I would not only be scrutinized for being a trans man but I’d also be under the microscope for being colored, not black but Indian (from India). Whether it be from strangers or cops (because a lot a cops are known to be biased against colored people, especially men). And then there are public bathroom situations but I'll cross that road when it comes.

Anyhow, I hope you can accept me as a son, brother, cousin, and/or friend as I am still me on the inside and outside now too. To anyone who can't accept the real me, I understand. It's a lot of change at once.

Though I am going at this transition slowly. I've cut my hair and got new glasses. I am going to see a therapist who will help me with the steps towards my transition. Here is the order I hope to eventually get things done (as life likes to throw curve-balls my and my family's way):

  1. See the Therapist
  2. See an Endocrinologist
  3. Get onto Testosterone
  4. Let that do its thing for a while
  5. Set up top surgery (either near the beginning of T or later)
  6. Live my new life as a new man
And while I am doing this I hope to lose some weight and gain some muscle. I want to be fit rather than average (or more as T moves your weight from other areas to your abdomen)

.:My true name is Mark and I am a trans-man:.


Happy 10 Year Anniversary Mass Effect! *spoilers* (Long Post)

Tomorrow (November 7th) is a special day for any fans of the Mass Effect Franchise. Tomorrow is N7 Day, and even more special day than before because this year we celebrate the 10 year anniversary of Mass Effect. In 2007, when Mass Effect first released, I was 12 so I was unable to experience the game until about (I wanna say) 2013 aka when I turned 18. I, however, started with Mass Effect 3 (which was a mistake on my part but I didn't think about it too much back then). Probably one of the first rated M games I've played. I played it on my Xbox 360. I believe I was recommend it at my local Gamestop. First time I played, I remember I didn't understand the Renegade/Paragon stuff. I most/all interrupts with out thinking about it (except when it came to Ashley, I tried to keep her alive). I remember I first played as FemShep and I hoped that I could romance Ashley but was sadly mistaken. So after a couple+ playthroughs I decided to do some research into the game. And with all that research, came many, many, MANY notes. I have a small journal that is filled to brim with Mass Effect notes through all series. Soon after I got Mass Effect 1 and 2. I started from the beginning. And through all the trilogy playthrough, I fell in love with everything that makes Mass Effect the amazing game it is. I learned to love Dr. Liara T'Soni. I grew a hatred for Cerberus even if they saved my life. I became the Paragon of the Galaxy and Upfront Biotic Vanguard, Commander Mira Shepard, who saved the council and David Archer, synthesized the reapers, helped destroyed my clone, sacrificed Kaidan Alenko, and so much more. I also became the Renegade Commander Melrose Shepard. I grew close to my entire crew:

  • Garrus Vakarian
  • Tali Zorah vas Normandy
  • Ashley Williams♥
  • Liara T'Soni♥
  • Wrex
  • Dr. Chakwas
  • Joker
  • Thane Krios
  • Mordin Solus
  • Grunt
  • Jack
  • Jacob Taylor (though not as much)
  • Miranda Lawson
  • Samara
  • Kasumi Goto (DLC)
  • Zaeed Masani (DLC)
  • EDI
  • Javik
  • James Vega
  • Steve Cortez (Shuttle Pilot counts as crew :D )

And even those not on my crew:
  • Anderson
  • Aria T'Loak ♥
  • Nyreen Kandros
  • Eve
  • Traynor
The Normandy became like a second home to me. I had to adapt to all the changes through out the ship as the games went on. I remember in Mass Effect 1 I had a difficult time maneuvering the Mako vehicle around on the planet Therum.

I loved all the races that were in the games. Humans (of course), Asari, Krogan, Quarians, Turians, Drell, Elcor, Hanar, Salarians, Volus, Batarians, Vorcha, and Protheans. Then you had the non-sapient creatures like Thresher Maws, Varren, Pyjaks, and Gas Bags (they're more but not relevant to me unless you like tipping the space cow). I even loved the cute Keepers on the Citadel. I obviously didn't like the Collectors or the Reapers. Leviathan was okay as was the Rachni (I saved the Rachni Queen).

I've seen (and own) the Paragon Lost movie, which is based between Mass Effect 2 and 3. I enjoyed the movie as it was more anime-esc and it gives James Vega more background rather than him just telling you in your scuffle down in the Shuttle bay.

I loved all DLCs of the trilogy but, by far, my favorite is the Citadel DLC. I learned online the best order to do all the DLCs. And this is just the Trilogy.
Then you have Mass Effect Andromeda. I enjoyed it a lot, grew close to that crew too:
  • Cora Harper♥
  • Drak
  • Peebee
  • Vetra Nyx♥
  • Liam Kosta
  • Jaal Ama Darav♥
  • Dr. T'Perro
I will say it was a bit lacking compare to the Trilogy, even to Mass Effect 3. There wasn't a Paragon/Renegade, rather it was more like Dragon Age Inquisition in the Dialogue so it was a interesting adjustment I had to make. I enjoyed riding in the Nomad which was like a newer Mako (but no one can replace the Mako). They added races called Angara, Kett, and Remnant which was cool to learn about. The mechanics of the fighting was much different from the Trilogy. In ME:A, you walk and then go into cover rather than auto-covering which makes it difficult for me. I like the melee weapon change though I do like either my trusty omni-blade or biotics. In ME:A I play under the Scrapper Profile and focus on my biotics, weapon damage and health. And even though I have a biotic charge, I enjoy being in the back lines, using my Black Widow Sniper Rifle. The way enemies move is more unpredictable compared to Mass Effect 3 and earlier. I mean I enjoy a good challenge but sometimes it gets annoying.

I will continue to be a proud support of the Mass Effect Franchise, no matter which one.


30 Day Video Game Challenge Revised (Long Post)

I know I've done this challenge before. Last year in September in fact. But I've played many games (either new or replayed) and I wanted to make revised version of the challenge. 😊 (Skipping Number one because that's the same as previous post. Here's the link to the Post. Some of the numbers will have short answers meaning that they are the same as the post made in last year).

2. Your Favorite Character - This one is also the same as before, I very much love my Paragon [Fem]Shepard of the Mass Effect Trilogy. She's kind and considerate but a bad ass when needed.

3. A Game That is Underrated - I don't know if I'd count this as underrated but Mass Effect Andromeda got a lot of hate before and after launch. I playthrough it once (and currently have many playthroughs going) and I enjoyed it a lot. I know its not the Mass Effect Trilogy but that's the point so MEH DEAL WITH IT!

4. Your guilty pleasure game - Akiba's Trip: Undead and Undressed....Yep

5. Game Character You Feel You are Most Like (or wish you were) - The character I am most like I think is Peebee of Mass Effect Andromeda. She acts confident and a lot of times puts a fake smile on while not letting anyone close in because she's afraid of getting hurt. :/

6. Most Annoying Character - Preston Garvey. I don't wanna deal with settlements, I want to ADVENTURE!

7. Favorite Game Couple - For a legitimate game couple I'd have to say Witcher Geralt and Lady Yennefer of Vengerberg. For an illegitimate game couple I'd have to say it's a tie between Femshep x Ashley and FemRyder x Cora.

8. Best Soundtrack - Mass Effect (All of them, including Andromeda)

9. Saddest Game Scene - *Spoilers* In Sleeping Dogs, at Winston's Wedding when it get's shot up by rival triad members. It was supposed to be their special day.

10. Best Gameplay - Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

11. Gaming System of Choice - PC or PS4. Unless there is a specific console-only game (like Anthem) then I'd say Xbox One.

12. A Game Everyone Should Play - If we're talking any game then Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. If we are talking rated E for everyone then I'd say Stardew Valley (though its rated E10+)

13. A Game You've played more than Fives Times - Mass Effect 3 specifically.

14. Current (or most recent) Gaming Wallpaper - On my both my Laptops and Tablet its Mass Effect Andromeda (specifically, Ryder in armor).

15. Post a screen shot of the game you're playing right now -
(Don't currently have any screen shots of Mass Effect Andromeda so here's Jaal artwork [Not made by me])

16. Game with the best cut scenes - Mass Effect Trilogy because some were just cinematic, others you could interact/interrupt in which was a cool mechanic.

17. Favorite Antagonist - *Somewhat Spoiler* Shepard's Clone in Mass Effect 3 Citadel DLC

18. Favorite Protagonist - Jaal Ama Darav (of Mass Effect Andromeda) because he's super sweet and considerate while still being powerful on the battlefield.

19.Picture of a Game Setting You Wish You Lived In -
(Witcher 3 Wild Hunt setting, specifically in Toussaint. I'd want to be witcher or maybe something else.)

20. Favorite Genre - Sci-Fi, Sci-Fantasy, Fantasy, RPG, sometimes survival with Zomzoms

21. Game with the Best Story - Mass Effect series because romances, in-depth story and character background, lots of characters to get attached to, lots of locations to see. (One gripe I have is that a lot of the romances are male oriented in all of them. Like I feel like Jack, Ashley Williams, Cora Harper, and Tali would be bisexual. Same goes for Garrus and Thane.)

22. A Game Sequel which Disappointed You - It's more of a DLC sequel but Trespasser DLC of Dragon Age Inquisition. Also Saints Row IV and Gat out of Hell kind of disappointed me.

23. Game You Think Had The Best Graphics or Art Style - Graphics wise, that goes to Witcher 3 Wild Hunt. Art Style on the other hand I'd say Stardew Valley. Very simplistic while being very detailed at the same time.

24. Favorite Classic Game - Super Mario Bros. on the NES

25.A Game You Plan on Playing - Akiba's Beat, Psycho Pass Mandatory Happiness, and more of other games I started playing but never finished or never got most/all achievements for.

26. Best Voice Acting - Jennifer Hale as Commander Shepard (Mass Effect Trilogy)

27. Most Epic Scene Ever - Can't think of any new ones off the top of my head.

28. Favorite Game Developer - Bioware

29. A Game You Thought You Wouldn't Like but Ended Up Loving - I thought I wouldn't like Middle-Earth Shadow of Mordor because I am not a Lord of the Rings fan but I enjoyed the Gameplay a lot even if I haven't gotten far into the story.

30. Your Favorite Game of All Time - a tie between the Witcher 3 Wild Hunt and Mass Effect 3


.:Vent Post:.

I've  been stressing about college. I haven't posted it here but I recently got accepted into college that's close by to my home. Ever since I've gotten accepted I haven't been able to draw or write anything I am happy/satisfied with. I think I am severely internally stressing out over this when I shouldn't. But the fact that I am fearing critiques/criticisms of my artwork makes me feel so stressed that I am unable to draw. My mom and therapist believe it's artists block but I don't feel that way. I feel like the weight of college is overwhelming for me. I understand a part of me wanted this but now most of me is regretting this. And now if I am unable to stay, whether it be because anxiety or whatever, my mom might be disappointed in me...Which makes me feel like I am being forced to go because I hate that word. "Disappointed". It's such a harsh and hurtful word like "Hate". I am giving at go and willing to try it but honestly I don't know if will work out. Though that means going back to probably retail jobs or something else....Ugh...Life suck right now...

Time to play games and be a real loner....


First Glance Thoughts of the Mass Effect Andromeda Companions/Crew

 Jaal - Adorable Space Kitty :3

Nakmor Drak - A tough son of a bitch who can hold is own in a fight

Liam Kosta - Looks smart but seems like a chill dude. I like his choice of duel omni-blades.

Peebee - Looks like a a tough bitch but probably is a softie on the inside

Vetra Nyx - Looks intellectual and strong. Also is Alien Wife :D

Cora Harper - Looks like someone who prefers it their way. I like her shotgun/biotic combo. Also is Human Wife :3


Reminder for Me (on what I want to do)

This is a list to remind myself of what I would like to accomplish this year:

Games I want to play more of/playthrough/finish/replay (Possibly stream):
  • Mass Effect 3 (Insanity)
  • Mass Effect Renegade Playthrough (Mshep/Ashley Romance)
  • Banner Saga 1 & 2
  • Bioshock Trilogy
  • Saints Row the Third DLC
  • Persona 4
  • Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm 4
  • Overwatch (Competitive and QM)
  • Heroes of the Storm
  • Watch Dogs 2 (Maybe, not liking the controls :/ )
  • Undertale
  • Reigns
  • PS3 Games (Beyond Two Souls, Uncharted, L.A. Noire, Infamous, The Last of Us, Star Wars the Forced Unleashed)
  • Divinity Original Sin
  • Dreamfall Chapters
  • Sleeping Dogs Definitive Edition
  • Saints Row 4
  • Doom
  • Pokemon Moon & Sun
  • Akiba's Trip
  • Shadow of Mordor
Below are games I have reserved but have yet to be released but want to play when released
  • Yakuza 0
  • Horizon Zero Dawn
  • Akiba's Beat
  • Mass Effect Andromeda (PS4 and PC because I am a nerd)
  • Persona 5
Read more books

Draw more
Watch more anime


Lacking Motivation

I've been lacking in Motivation. I havent had the motivation to stream or workout or draw. I have the want but not the motivation to.

I know if you try and do the thing you want to be motivated in that you can become motivated. That hasnt work for me.

I try and draw but then get upset or mad at how the anatomy is or whatever then I stop for a while.

I try and stream but I feel lost on what I should be doing though there is no rule book for streaming unless its the rules of what games I can/can't stream.

I try and workout but then feel like I've made no progress so I stop and avoid it.


I need to push myself more to get motivation maybe...Not sure


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