My Current Mindset: Everything is Pointless...

 

My current mindset and thinking isn't too great. And I dont mean the normal depression and sad thoughts and self-loathing. My mind is currently thinking that everything I do and everything I want to do is pointless. There is no reason to do anything, even if it's just to make me happy. Because, in my mind, happiness is temporary due to the fact that I suffer from depression and anxiety (and probably some other things as well). I am trying to be like "It makes me happy. And even if it's temporary happiness, I should do X,Y,Z because it makes me happy and content." That thinking is kind of working but a large chunk of my brain is like "everything is pointless and nothing matters." I am trying to push past that feeling and just distract myself from the feelings of pointlessness. An example of something I want to do but seems pointless in the end is like Gaming things. Like I want to get certain achievements or accolades in games that I enjoy playing but it seems like it doesn't matter because it's just gonna be gone to the ether when I die (whenever that may be). Same goes for all my drawing goals and drawings I've done so far...

I wish my mind wouldn't be so... counter-productive and damaging to myself... 

March Updates

 I haven't posted since Feb 17th due to real life getting busy. Real life has calmed down though I will say my emotional state has been flipping all around. Let me give some organized updates (Gaming, Life, & Emotional).

Gaming: I've been playing Dragon Age Inquisition (still lol) along with achievement hunting through Mass Effect: Andromeda (and Dragon Age Inquisition). I am about five achievements away from Platinum on ME:A and on DA:I most of the achievements left are either Trials or Trespasser DLC achievements. I've also recently purchase Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II and been playing when I want to kind of zone out and just play something. In Overwatch 2, I've finally got the Zarya skin from the Season 3 Battle Pass which I'm happy about though I will say I haven't been playing too much recently. I haven't been in the mood to play ESO right now, though I log in to sell item(s) in the Guild Store of the Guild I am in so I don't get kicked from it. I want to play so many new (to me) games but I've reverted back to play "comfort" games (Dragon Age Inquisition, Mass Effect: Andromeda, Mass Effect Legendary Edition, and the occasional Overwatch 2 matches). I've also been on and off playing Cyberpunk 2077 and God Of War, which has been fun (I will say I've been playing more Cyberpunk 2077 even though I know God Of War is a really good game) I own God Of War Ragnerök and I really wanna play that but I need to play God Of War first!

Life: I had company over from the end of Feb to March 1st, which was very nice and productive. I've been trying to, in a sense, force myself to draw, write, and read Mass Effect Andromeda Nexus Uprising (I am on chapter 25 of 36). Reading is slow because A. I am in general a slow book reader, B. The book is a small novel so the words are a bit more pressed together which makes it a bit more difficult to read, and C. Some chapters are a bit long and I have little patience even though I REALLY want to finish the book and then read the next two books (Initiation and Annihilation). I've already read the three amazing books of the Trilogy (the last book doesn't count because there are so many flaws and lore mistakes in that. DO NOT READ Mass Effect Deception). Drawing has been tough even though I have the motivation. The creative gears are not moving even though I am trying to make them move. The question is, what will lubricate the metaphorical gears to cause them to go? I will say I have done a couple pieces/drawings that I am happy with. Writing is tougher than drawing. I have a thing I am working on but I keep putting it on pause because brain no wanna work though I want to work on it. I've been wanting to watch anime that I've started along with Last of Us on HBO Max and the Mandalorian on Disney+ but I struggle to focus on new shows even if they are really really good. I often put streaming apps (or YouTube) as background noise and I dont want to miss anything if I put those shows as background noise (and with anime I need to read subtitles to know what's going on). Focusing is very hard even though I have meds for focusing... Which doesn't make sense, I know, but sometimes I am able to sit and focus on a single episode per day or week. A lot of streaming shows are about an hour long and I, again, struggle to focus on something like a TV show for an hour. My birthday is coming up which I guess I am happy about. Though some things that come with having a birthday has been causing me anxiety. I can't say exactly what (incase certain people are reading this) but I'll do my best to stay calm and bite my tongue when needed.

Emotional: I've had some moments of deep thinking, I know this, but I can't remember the exact things I think of due to 1. Memory is garbage and 2. The deep thinking moments have been in a half sleep state so I often don't remember things in the half sleep state. (I dont know if this is Life or Emotional but) My subconscious caused me to dream of someone of my past whose attention I wanted. I thought I was over them but apparently subconsciously I am not. And I know for a fact I will never see this person nor never ever get the attention I want from them. I think my depression is starting to flare up again because I've been self-loathing and feeling really sad. I've also been feeling lonely even though I've been enjoying my time alone. It's a weird conundrum. 

The Past Week was Tough, but Things are Better (though not perfect)

 Last week (the week of the 6th of February) was a difficult week. It was the week of the passing of my mother, along with her birthday. It felt worse than last years except obviously the year it happened. I was in a really really really dark place. I wasn't willing to hear help from others nor wanting to talk to others. I will say I am not doing perfect now but I feel better. I felt the weight of darkness disappear on the 12th of Feb.

During that time, and after, I've been playing a TON of Dragon Age Inquisition. I've been playing on PC and PlayStation. I only have two achievements left on PC so I'm trying to get to the Trespasser DLC but I dont want to skip any mission/DLC. I've been really enjoying playing through Dragon Age Inquisition again (on different characters/platforms). I'm trying to get Leliana as Divine but I always seem to get Cassandra because I usually save Empress Celene and Exile the Wardens. I have a save on my PlayStation to go back to if I want to have the Wardens Join the Inquisition (I just have to make sure not to save over that spot lol).

I want to play mot Overwatch to get the Zarya items on the Battlepass but I've been having a lot more fun playing Dragon Age Inquisition. 

I wish I could playthrough Dragon Age Origins on PC without it crashing mid mission before I remember to save. I try to save as much as possible but the constant crashing I have to deal with is ridiculous. I've heard from others the Dragon Age Origins is one of the best Dragon Age games out there currently. (Luckily I recently ordered it for an older console. Hopefully I works out and doesn't crash at all or as much as the PC version.)