3 Months Later

 November is about half way done.

All of October I was horribly sick. I still occasionally have very bad coughing fits to the point of throwing up/dry-heaving which is just SO much fun (insert sarcasm)

And September was a blur.

I had been working on my book until recently, feelin a little burned out and wanting to play more games. I've been playing Overwatch 2, ESO, Fortnite, and Hogwarts Legacy. I actually finished Hogwarts Legacy and thoroughly enjoyed every second of it and now I am trying to get all achievements. A few of them requires me to make 3 other character's and get to the Map chamber as the other houses (My first playthrough I was Ravenclaw.)

This is my character (before I found an awesome cloak/robe). I like making my character look fancy and nice, though I learned the Forbidden Spells from one of the main side characters. I liked some of the characters in the game, while others bugged the shit out of me. My second character is gonna be Slytherin, then Hufflepuff, then finally Gryffindor.

In ESO, I noticed that I have reached 3k hours in-game (yes, I have no life lol). And I've been trying to level a character for the new Endless Archives, because my main toon doesn't seem to be like strong enough or have enough DPS. The new character is a Sorcerer because I've seen vids of sorc wrecking face in Endless Archives.

OG Fortnite is out currently this season and it's been a ton of fun, despite only playing a few matches. I hope to play more matches, either solo or in duos with friends.

Overwatch 2 has been fun, especially because I've been playing with my friend. I've also been wanting to play more Competitive but at the same time OW2's new competitive system that's coming to the game in 2024 looks a bit better than the current way it works. Like if you get a win/draw, you get a measly 25 competitive points. And you dont get that much CP in the Bronze, Silver, and Plat when you get your Placement matches done. It's barely any incentive to play, unless that's all you play instead of Unranked/Arcade.

I've also been wanting to stream but my OBS crashes games, stops my internet browser/YouTube/Spotify, and doesn't want to work properly. I haven't found a work around yet. I hope I can one day figure it out the issue.

Another One Month (and 5 Days) later

 Where has the time gone?

I haven't done much which makes me feel sad... I have books on Buddhism and mangas that I want to read but can muster up the [insert word here] to do so. I have games I want to play (like Baldur's Gate 3 on PC and Mass Effect Andromeda Achievement-Hunting on Playstation) but I revert back to playing comfort games (Like Fallout 76, ESO, Overwatch, or Animal Crossing). I want to work on my book as well as continue to improve my art but I have a few issues.

A. I get nervous about starting it

B. I get upset when it doesn't work out because I have bad perfectionism when it comes to my creativity.

C. My creativity has been very low with small moments of allowing me to create and be happy with the pieces that come out of the moments.

On top of all that I HAVEN'T DONE, my depression and stress and sense of loneliness has been at a major high again, meaning that I feel so alone and left behind and depressed that my very very VERY bad thoughts are back but I'm trying to fight them off. Or rather, distract them with my comfort things.

The reasons I feel left behind is that I feel like I have barely anyone around me that was in my social bubble.

1. My aunt and uncle are moving away to California (which is okay because I never was close to them but it's another loss in the bubble)
2. My sister lives in Maine, which is a major ways away. Especially since I don't drive nor would I want to drive all the way there just to see her (we aren't that close either...)
3. My best friend, who I thankfully still am able to play games with and talk to, moved away from the hometown where I reside to live with her boyfriend (which I am glad they are closer together. I just don't get to see her in person anymore).
4. My mom passed away 4yrs back so that another person gone from bubble.
5. My friend doesn't talk to me and we haven't seen each other in a while. I like being his friend but at the same time he can be a bit...annoying. He literally pokes me and its annoying. I will say I'm grateful he is still around, like in-state.
6. My close family friend moved a while back to be near grandchildren many years back. Which again, isn't bad. It's she is closer to her family. And I am glad we still talk and she visits a lot. 

I sound selfish. Change is inevitable. It happens. People change. Need to move on for whatever reason. And it's not to say I don't like where I live. I like where I live. I like my apartment. And I don't have a reason to move. And even if I were to move, I have no clue where I'd move to. I dont want to move near my aunt and uncle for many reason. Same goes for my sister. I don't want to move near my best friend because she and I would agree it would only hurt our friendship, which I do not want to do...again... I like where I live for many reasons. Plus I have my cat, who I'd think would hate moving anywhere and is used to most of my "rules" of my apartment. And I know that I could expand my social bubble but that takes emotional and social work which is very tiring for me. And it's hard for me to make friends. I'm socially awkward. I'm nearing my 30's. I have low self confidence. And I barely leave my apartment. Even going to the grocery store can be draining and I dont even understand why.

Sigh...

I feel like a selfish loser who is also a failure right now...

Experiencing and Learning from the Buddha's Teachings (one month later)

 I've been spending the past few weeks reading about Ikigai, Ichigo Ichie, and Kaizen as well as exploring the wisdom and information about Buddhism and Zen Buddhism. The different of aspects of Buddhism peak my interest and the fact that it feels a bit more realistic and grounded FOR ME is helpful. As someone who is often anxious and/or depressed, finding Buddhism has helped me cope/deal and let myself feel those (along with other) emotions. Like, the Buddha taught that we are essentially prisoners of our own minds, bound by out beliefs, perceptions and ideas (which I find very accurate). We seen an inaccurate version of reality that causes us unnecessary suffering. Buddha's teaching help us after that perspective and learn that the unnecessary sufferings we experience has more to do with how we see things than what we see.

You're meant to put the Buddha's teachings into practice, not meant to be believed in, which is what I'm trying to do.

I'm trying to connect with myself and my inner kindness and compassion while learning to allow myself to feel the many different emotions that are a part of life.

I do try to meditate more often to connect with my inner self, nature and the universe.