Mid-January Update

 

(This is a redraw/trace, I DON'T CLAIM TO OWN THIS POSE.

Been struggling at drawing so I sometimes trace and add my own flair to drawings made by others. 

Again, I DO NOT CLAIM TO OWN THIS DRAWING, I'VE PUT MY OWN FLAIR ON IT)

I have taken a bit of a break from Pokémon Scarlet, though I probably get the item for the final part of the DLCs in the Mystery Gifts via Internet. I've recently decided to get, or rather rent, a Peloton Bike. I hope with it (along with the App's other exercises and a healthier diet) to improve and lose some weight. As my weight is not where I would like it (almost 200lbs).

I know that:

• It will take a bit to lose weight
• There is a possibility that there will be like excess skin due to the weight loss
• Muscle has weight (similar to Fat) on the body

I have made a special document to keep track of my weight loss journey. And I have to say that my mood has really, really improved now that Christmas is over. I've also started to eat heathier, been trying to snack less (and when I do, I eat healthier alternatives), and drink more water (rather than Soda and Energy Drinks). My only caffeinated drink, each morning, is coffee with some creamer. I need to work on having a little less coffee and eat something for breakfast (like Oatmeal with/or Fruit, such as Bananas, Berries, Peaches, etc.).

My hope is to use the peloton (app or cycling) each day or every other day, along those lines BUT I will workout until my body says that's enough for the day. And even if that isn't as long as I would like, I will slowly increase my limit each day. 

My plan is to:

1. Cycle/Workout (either each day or every other) and keep track of how long along with other stats and information)
2. Weigh myself every Friday
3. Keep goals for each month
4. Keep track of how long I sleep
5. How I am feeling at the end of each month

ALSO, I plan to keep playing video games whenever I feel up to it. I've been oddly playing games more on my PS5 and Switch over my PC. Still playing comfort games though. Maybe I'll get back into Pokémon after the last part of the DLCs and continue my shiny hunting. Or maybe I'll work on getting achievements (on PS5) for Mass Effect: Legendary Edition or Dragon Age Inquisition. I really want to work on playing (and enjoying) the Yakuza/Like A Dragon Series (I am only on Yakuza Kiwami 2). I've on and off also been playing Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm Connections (I HATE that the "cutscenes" are literally cut scenes rather than from the anime or remade with the characters. Like, somehow to me, that feels lazy on their part but I'd be a bit more understanding if they were on a time constraint or something). AND ive been playing Red Dead Redemption 2, and I've been accidently spending the in-game currency (cash) within the game instead of the bought currency (gold). Its very frustrating lol because I'll want to spend gold on something but instead I've spent like 100 on pants or something. And there is no undo button. I think right now, in the game, I have like 100 again, but I was at like 400 before  ha ha...ha... sigh.. lol

Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over

 Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over (However, I still need to get through February).

I've been distracting myself with playing through all of Pokémon Scarlet DLC. Now I am Shiny Hunting on the Overland while also hatching eggs. I havent gotten lucky yet from the eggs, however on Dec 26 I found like 6 Shinys in the Overland. I am happy that I got shinies, I am not ungrateful but I want to get the ones Im trying to hatch. I am currently hatching eggs for Espurr (So far, ive hatched over 100)

I have a list of ones I want.

• Komala
• Klawf
• Flabebe
• Eiscue
• Chewtle
• Pawmi
• Drifloon
• Bounsweet
• Eevee -> Slyveon
• Applin -> Dipplin
• Ekans ->Arbok
• Koffing
• Poochyena
• Litwick -> Chandelure
• Mienfoo ->Mienshao
• Tentacool (non-paldean)
• Magby ->Magmar
• Mudkip -> Swampert
• Minun
• Solosis -> Reuniclus
• Pikipek -> Toucannon
• Venonat

I realize the list above has a long way to go if I am going to try and hatch them all. I hope that I can also get more herba mystica for shiny power sandwiches for either mass outbreaks or just roaming the overland areas for the pokemon listed above. (for all i know the list above might get longer).

The Ones Ive hatched/caught

• Rockruff (for a friend)
• Snubbull (for a friend)
• Naclstack
• Cyclizar
• Lechonk
• Crabrawler
• Skiddo
• Zoroark
• Cubchoo
• Rellor
• Mareep
• Rolycoly
• Sprigatito
• Slowpoke
• Sneasel
• Jumpluff
• Meditite
• Pyroar
• Tarountula
• Greavard
• (Paldean) Wooper
• Sinistea
• Minior
• Chansey
• Tyrogue
• Mudsdale
• Exeggcute
• Sawsbuck
• Smeargle
• Deerling
• Toxtricity

(I feel like) I am a waste of space.

I don't do anything in life, which is the reason for feeling the way I do mentioned in my previous post.

But...

My life has no meaning. I have no reason to live, except for myself (meh) and for my cat (not as meh). I don't have a reason for living and at the same reason I have no reason for dying (despite what my depression and suicidal ideations/thoughts might try to convince me of).

I don't believe I'll ever get to see my mom again, in any capacity (like Heaven/Hell/Afterlife). I still hurt immensely by this fact though. Death is the end. I am hoping that there is NO such thing as reincarnation  because I've lived my life, I don't want to live another in any sort of form.

I don't do anything but at the same time its like, I don't want to "branch out" or "expand my horizons" because it takes a lot of emotional/mental/and possibly physical activity to do anything different and I just don't feel up to it. And I am honestly not good at anything anymore, so I'd rather fail at things I already know I am bad at than feel worse for failing at something new. Call me a quitter, giver-upper, whatever. I don't care.

When my mom was alive, I felt like my purpose to life/to live was to take care of my mom and help her stay alive and such things. Maybe I was ignorant at the fact she was struggling and once I saw her in the hospital bed, hooked up to the machines, I knew my help wasn't working and nothing I could do would work to help her stay alive. Maybe it's better she wasn't alive to deal with COVID or other very debilitating viruses going around now that might have/probably would have affected her. 

The point of this post is this:

I have no life

I have no purpose for life or death.

I am pathetic

I am nothing

And in all honesty, I just feel like a waste of space...