Abyss

 For the past approx. 5 weeks, I have not been okay. I've been having breakdowns and anxiety attacks (not to be confused by panic attacks). I've been uncontrollably crying, crying over (what I consider) stupid things (like movie trailers or songs. And the anxiety attacks make it hard to breathe and the thoughts are hard to control as well. I've also been having suicidal/self-harm thoughts (THOUGH I HAVE NO PLAN TO ACT ON THEM). Those are a bit easier to drown out. I've been talking to N and A, who've been helpful with consoling, comforting, and easing my pain. They understand and feel for me. I cannot express how much they mean to me and how helpful they are (along with my therapists and C). But even with all my "helpers", I still feeling like utter shit. Like I'm in the darkest abyss I've ever been in. And despite "helpers" trying to shine the light toward me, I cannot see it. My inner demons (depression, anxiety, grief, and paranoia) have been, what feels like, shredding me with their razor sharp "teeth" and "claws". I have meds but that only feels like it's doing a little help. And hospitalization/Outpatient/Day-program will more likely hinder than help me. Like even if its helps in the smallest bit, it will cause me more distress and upset and fear...The demon of my mind is like a three headed monster. Even thinking about it's physical form causes me a bit of distress... One time, while waiting for therapy appointment to start, I started having anxiety fueled depression (though I can't remember on what) and it caused my heart to race at unsafe levels for a moment and hurt my chest. My Samsung watch even said so.

C told me to try to imaging destroying the demon of my mind but I cannot do so. I've tried but it consistently destroying me and killing me, so to speak. Maybe I can visualize that because I know it cannot be healed. And I know I shouldn't let it "define who I am" but it's been literally eating me alive. 

Also, masking my emotions hasn't been working well recently. Like, normally I am good about not becoming emotional/cry in public but it's becoming harder and harder each day. Hell, I even got emotional watching trailers while I went to the movies the other day.

I also know expressing my emotions supposedly helps with easing the pain. But for me, I feel more and more and more pain with each tear that falls and I feel like it will result in poor choices if I let myself completely give in and "feel" these emotions completely... My distractions haven't been working as well as before. If I play ESO or other games that are more casual and chill, I feel the thoughts and emotions creep into my mind and make it difficult to focus on the game. Games like Mass Effect, Dragon Age, and Overwatch work a bit better because I am more focus driven and don't notice things. I need games that are story driven and needs lots of focus.

To simply put it,

I'm Not Okay.

My Hyperfixation on Fallout 76

I've been pretty much playing Fallout 76 for the past 3 weeks or so (probably since a couple days after the TV Show was released). I forgot how much I love this game and how much of a comfort game Fallout 76 is, for me at least. I was level 370 on April 22nd and by between April 27th-30th I leveled up to 400. I have about 180+hrs in the past three weeks. I will admit I have spent a couple all-nighters (not in a row) playing the game because I was having so much fun and lost track of time AND I wasn't tired because I was super focused. I've made a a new friend AND I have joined a Guild on Discord for the game. Often I join up with them while I play OR I play with my best friend (and their relationship partner) when they are online. I even have a book with tons of notes and stats on it, which I will share some info on this blog post.

I am currently Level 432, and working on trying to get enough Perk Coins to level up the last levels on my Legendary Perk Cards (the Legendary Perk S.P.E.C.I.A.L Cards for Endurance and Strength). I did the math, hopefully correct, and I need about 70 more levels/need to get to level 502 to get the total of 300 Perk Coins (I need 150 per Card Upgrade). Then after I get the final two Legendary Perk Cards upgraded. I can get the cards I want to have for the interchangeable on my build.

My Current Build:

My Legendary Perk Cards: Luck(4*), Int(4*), Str(3*), End(3*), Taking One for the Team (4*), and What Rads?(4*)

Perk Cards that are interchangeable:

[P]erception - Concentrated Fire

[E]ndurance - Ghoulish

[C]harisma - Inspirational

[I]ntelligence - Demolition Expert

[L]uck - Good with Salt

Legendary Perk Card: Taking One for the Team

(I dont wanna change my Strength Cards nor my Agility Cards unless they are situational like the agility card for crafting ammo).

Those cards I use for the most part but there obviously some cards that are situational (like Butcher's Bounty or Green Thumb). I have a list in my book on Perk Cards that I want to get. I need 14 levels to get the Perk Cards I want (though I might want more levels for other interchangeable cards). And the one card I want to get for the interchangeable Legendary Perk Card is Sizzling Style which gives Fire Protection and that will need another 300 Perk Coins (ugh) but that is on the bottom of my to do/to get list. 

My Current Mutations and Legendary Perks:

The Weapons I use are:

The Cremator (1 Mutants, 2 VATS Enhanced, 3 VATS Optimized) with Lithium (Pink) Projectiles, Multi-Shot Barrel, Fast Tank, and Slow Burning Tank.

Chainsaw (1 Vampire, 2 Crippling, 3 Light Weight) with Dual Bar and Flamer Mods.

Gatling Gun (1 Quad, 2 Rapid, 3 Swift) with Speedy Receiver, Long Barrel, Comfort Grip, Standard Mag, and Front Sight Ring.

I mainly use the Cremator and Chainsaw. I use the Gatling Gun sometimes and mainly when I am low on fuel. I have another Cremator crafted that I am trying to get Instigating on, though have yet to get it. I DO have an Auto-Axe but I am not using it UNTIL I get Vampire on it. Sadly it been several days if not weeks of scripping Legendaries and trying to roll the Vampire. No luck yet.

I have also placed my Camp in area closed to Starlight Berries and kind of near Firecracker Berries so I can farm them up (along with the Wendigo Cave for Brain Fungus) to get Berry Mentats for Intelligence. And I ALWAYS do Feed the People Event Quest for Mama Dolce so I can get the XP food (Canned Meat Stew). I've recently am trying to get my Intelligence up and keep XP buffs up when events are going on (though I am saving some of the XP Buff Foods and Items for when there is XP Bonus Weekends) to get the most XP. And whenever I am relatively close to leveling up, I go to West Tek to eliminated Super Mutants to get the last bit of XP to level (rather than waiting for the next event or whatever). I'm in the process of earning enough Gold Bullion to get Steven Scarberry (which is 4,000) while also saving some for whenever Minerva arrives in Appalachia (just incase she has something I want, like the Brotherhood Recon Right Leg which is an item I really want so I can try out the entire armor set though I've heard/read that the Secret Service armor is better [which is the armor I use]). I also want to get the Flannel Shirt and Jeans Shielded Upgrade, which you can only have a chance to get on a daily quest. That Flannel Shirt and Jeans under armor (with that upgrade) can give +3 Int which might not seem like a lot but with all the food/item buffs and XP bonuses, it can really add up to a lot of XP gain (which I really want so I can get those Perk Coins and Cards).

If you could tell by this post, I've really done my research while also having tons of fun within the game.

April Update

 April has been a weird month emotionally wise. At the beginning of April, I was doing great (especially since my birthday is at the beginning. And I was doing good for a while. Then my emotions dipped around mid-April, and I am unsure why. But I've been missing my mom, and the house I grew up in. I've been using my coping mechanisms, aka gaming, to distract from my sadness. I've been wanting to draw but my hands and brain cant seem to cooperate when it comes to drawing (and sometimes writing). Every time I try to draw, especially digitally, I get super frustrated/upset/angry. I am unsure whether or not that has to do with the non-cooperation OR my perfectionism. Either way, it sucks. But I shall continue to try to get something on physical or digital paper.

Wish me luck...