Distraction is the only thing keeping me sane

Distraction is the only thing keeping me sane.

I've been playing lots of Dragon Age Inquisition recently. Only 2 achievements away on PC to getting all achievements on PC. I want to play more Mass Effect Legendary Edition, to achievement hunt. I also want to play God Of War and Horizon Zero Dawn on PC.

I've also been drawing/sketching, trying to improve my artwork. I'm getting better at rough sketching ideas and such. I have a 2.0mm pencil for traditional rough sketching and I really enjoy using that pencil along with my favorite 0.5mm pencil.

I've been getting lost in thought and dreams, which explains why my sleep schedule is messed up. I like losing myself in fantasy/fictional world or my weird, yet nice, dreams that I cant control. Though when I have nightmares, it isn't that nice but that hasn't happened too often.

Bleh

 

My creativity when it comes to writing is starting to come out again, which is good except for the fact that it's only really working when it come to my Fan-Fiction for Mass Effect or my private/fictional story. Whenever I open the document for my new story idea I am working on, my brain is like HoW dO i WrItE?... Maybe I need to just go in and, in a sense, wing it. Just write without really thinking too hard about things. It's kind of what I do with the private/fictional story. And when it comes to writing the fan-fiction, I come up with ideas mainly on the fly and I already know the backstories and details about characters from the Mass Effect Franchise. I do make up some details or whatever though. With my new story idea, I want to know the backstory of my characters, what the time period the story takes place in, what the world is like, etc. etc. which makes it tough for me to come up with details on the fly... Though I could just try to do that...Just come up with details on the fly and make note of them as I go...

I think a big reason I've been writing so well is because I've been lonely recently. My family friend who I talk to everyday via phone call is busy having her own family visiting and I'd hate to bother her with a phone call of mine so I only text for now. And when gaming, I've been gaming mainly alone which I am used to. I am currently grinding out 250 wins (currently have 181 wins done) as Tank in Overwatch 2, which is obviously taking its time. I recently got some single player games downloaded so I feel invested in a story rather than feeling lonely in multiplayer games.

When I try to draw, recently, my drawings often dont come out how I like. I know it's due to me needing to study and learn things more but I have trouble retaining information in general. I'm forgetful as fuck. But I'm trying to take notes when learning/studying so I dont forget or so I can come back to my notes when I do forget.

Still feeling depressed about my mom being deceased.... Trying to distract myself with writing, gaming, or drawing.

To simply put it, I miss my mom...

 To simply put it, I miss my mom...

There is not unit of measurement or words to describe how much I miss her. Every time I would wonder if there is an afterlife, I would also wonder if I died too, would I be able to see her again?

My memory is garbage. And when I do remember shit, it's usually things that were bad of my past. The "good" memories or any memory that wasn't bad (or scarring) come at random times, in random moments that I cannot control. When I try to remember "good" times, I cannot usually do it. 

This ache, this pain, this....sadness... It hurts immensely despite being prescribed medication to help with depression, anxiety, etc. 

And it's hard for me to, like, grieve properly. It hurts too much then my emotions and mind kind of shutdown and I revert to saying/answering things with "I dont know" or "I dont know anymore"...

For the past couple of days/nights, I've been crying, which is something I try not to do because often I was told not to cry because it was a bad thing to do or something along the lines of that. And even in my own apartment, by myself, I try not to cry. And I know that I am "allowed" to cry but when something is told to you so many times in younger years of age, it kind of sticks...

What I like to call, the 3-Headed Demon of my mind (Depression, Anxiety, and Anger/Judgement), has been sending "whispers" that I should just kill myself. I am NOT going to do that. However, fighting against the "whispers" is emotionally exhausting. When I want to distract myself from the "whispers" (by gaming, drawing, or writing), I often just zone out in games where it's easy to do that and not become emotionally invested into it (for me, easy games are Overwatch 2 & Elder Scrolls Online). Some emotionally invested games that I enjoy are Dragon Age Inquisition, Mass Effect Series, Witcher 3, etc.

I feel empty and yet filled with sadness and depression. And some anger. Why her? Why not me? I've been in a weird wanting/not wanting suicidal limbo of sorts. My mom, from what I can remember, brought more joy and more to this Earth than I ever did or will do. I am a wannabe artist who can never seem to improve their art and can't hold myself accountable for anything, let alone an art project that I say I want to finish but barely work on. The only reason... The only fucking reason I am still alive is because I love my cat too much to abandon her. And that might be hard to hear for some. I know I would deeply sadden, maybe even disappoint, those close to me if I decide to leave this world early. But honestly... I don't care... I mean I care about their feelings and such but yet... I dont… Call me selfish, whatever...

I'm surprised I got a lot of this onto the post... I am now feeling myself begin to shut down...

I don't know... I just know that I miss my mom...