To simply put it, I miss my mom...
There is not unit of measurement or words to describe how much I miss her. Every time I would wonder if there is an afterlife, I would also wonder if I died too, would I be able to see her again?
My memory is garbage. And when I do remember shit, it's usually things that were bad of my past. The "good" memories or any memory that wasn't bad (or scarring) come at random times, in random moments that I cannot control. When I try to remember "good" times, I cannot usually do it.
This ache, this pain, this....sadness... It hurts immensely despite being prescribed medication to help with depression, anxiety, etc.
And it's hard for me to, like, grieve properly. It hurts too much then my emotions and mind kind of shutdown and I revert to saying/answering things with "I dont know" or "I dont know anymore"...
For the past couple of days/nights, I've been crying, which is something I try not to do because often I was told not to cry because it was a bad thing to do or something along the lines of that. And even in my own apartment, by myself, I try not to cry. And I know that I am "allowed" to cry but when something is told to you so many times in younger years of age, it kind of sticks...
What I like to call, the 3-Headed Demon of my mind (Depression, Anxiety, and Anger/Judgement), has been sending "whispers" that I should just kill myself. I am NOT going to do that. However, fighting against the "whispers" is emotionally exhausting. When I want to distract myself from the "whispers" (by gaming, drawing, or writing), I often just zone out in games where it's easy to do that and not become emotionally invested into it (for me, easy games are Overwatch 2 & Elder Scrolls Online). Some emotionally invested games that I enjoy are Dragon Age Inquisition, Mass Effect Series, Witcher 3, etc.
I feel empty and yet filled with sadness and depression. And some anger. Why her? Why not me? I've been in a weird wanting/not wanting suicidal limbo of sorts. My mom, from what I can remember, brought more joy and more to this Earth than I ever did or will do. I am a wannabe artist who can never seem to improve their art and can't hold myself accountable for anything, let alone an art project that I say I want to finish but barely work on. The only reason... The only fucking reason I am still alive is because I love my cat too much to abandon her. And that might be hard to hear for some. I know I would deeply sadden, maybe even disappoint, those close to me if I decide to leave this world early. But honestly... I don't care... I mean I care about their feelings and such but yet... I dont… Call me selfish, whatever...
I'm surprised I got a lot of this onto the post... I am now feeling myself begin to shut down...
I don't know... I just know that I miss my mom...
