I haven't posted since Feb 17th due to real life getting busy. Real life has calmed down though I will say my emotional state has been flipping all around. Let me give some organized updates (Gaming, Life, & Emotional).
Gaming: I've been playing Dragon Age Inquisition (still lol) along with achievement hunting through Mass Effect: Andromeda (and Dragon Age Inquisition). I am about five achievements away from Platinum on ME:A and on DA:I most of the achievements left are either Trials or Trespasser DLC achievements. I've also recently purchase Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II and been playing when I want to kind of zone out and just play something. In Overwatch 2, I've finally got the Zarya skin from the Season 3 Battle Pass which I'm happy about though I will say I haven't been playing too much recently. I haven't been in the mood to play ESO right now, though I log in to sell item(s) in the Guild Store of the Guild I am in so I don't get kicked from it. I want to play so many new (to me) games but I've reverted back to play "comfort" games (Dragon Age Inquisition, Mass Effect: Andromeda, Mass Effect Legendary Edition, and the occasional Overwatch 2 matches). I've also been on and off playing Cyberpunk 2077 and God Of War, which has been fun (I will say I've been playing more Cyberpunk 2077 even though I know God Of War is a really good game) I own God Of War Ragnerรถk and I really wanna play that but I need to play God Of War first!
Life: I had company over from the end of Feb to March 1st, which was very nice and productive. I've been trying to, in a sense, force myself to draw, write, and read Mass Effect Andromeda Nexus Uprising (I am on chapter 25 of 36). Reading is slow because A. I am in general a slow book reader, B. The book is a small novel so the words are a bit more pressed together which makes it a bit more difficult to read, and C. Some chapters are a bit long and I have little patience even though I REALLY want to finish the book and then read the next two books (Initiation and Annihilation). I've already read the three amazing books of the Trilogy (the last book doesn't count because there are so many flaws and lore mistakes in that. DO NOT READ Mass Effect Deception). Drawing has been tough even though I have the motivation. The creative gears are not moving even though I am trying to make them move. The question is, what will lubricate the metaphorical gears to cause them to go? I will say I have done a couple pieces/drawings that I am happy with. Writing is tougher than drawing. I have a thing I am working on but I keep putting it on pause because brain no wanna work though I want to work on it. I've been wanting to watch anime that I've started along with Last of Us on HBO Max and the Mandalorian on Disney+ but I struggle to focus on new shows even if they are really really good. I often put streaming apps (or YouTube) as background noise and I dont want to miss anything if I put those shows as background noise (and with anime I need to read subtitles to know what's going on). Focusing is very hard even though I have meds for focusing... Which doesn't make sense, I know, but sometimes I am able to sit and focus on a single episode per day or week. A lot of streaming shows are about an hour long and I, again, struggle to focus on something like a TV show for an hour. My birthday is coming up which I guess I am happy about. Though some things that come with having a birthday has been causing me anxiety. I can't say exactly what (incase certain people are reading this) but I'll do my best to stay calm and bite my tongue when needed.
Emotional: I've had some moments of deep thinking, I know this, but I can't remember the exact things I think of due to 1. Memory is garbage and 2. The deep thinking moments have been in a half sleep state so I often don't remember things in the half sleep state. (I dont know if this is Life or Emotional but) My subconscious caused me to dream of someone of my past whose attention I wanted. I thought I was over them but apparently subconsciously I am not. And I know for a fact I will never see this person nor never ever get the attention I want from them. I think my depression is starting to flare up again because I've been self-loathing and feeling really sad. I've also been feeling lonely even though I've been enjoying my time alone. It's a weird conundrum.
I've been trying to force myself to draw or doodle something on paper despite my creative side being pretty much shut off currently, which sucks majorly. I got some doodles on paper, not so much drawings. I am not sure why my creative side decided to disappear but it has. I just hope it will eventually come back some day soon. 
