What do I want to do??

 I've been thinking about what I want to do with my life.

Like I still want to make my own manga/comic, eventually but I need to get my creative gears going again. Right now, my creative side and inspiration has disappeared. Maybe if I look at previous projects/artworks of mine I'd get inspired.

I also want to be a casual streamer of sorts. I'd stream more than before, eventually making a schedule. I know most of the games I'd play would be "older" games compared to new games. I would even stream when I use Clip Studio Paint to work on my project (maybe) but I don't my ideas stolen so I'd be vague about the information of the comic/manga. And in all honesty, I would be streaming just for myself not for the money (if I ever get there, I highly doubt I'd get there haha). 

These are things that I want to do.

Relaxing & Relationships [Kind of NSFW]

I've been playing a ton of Elder Scrolls Online (like 140 in the past two weeks). Its been my go to game of relaxation. I've also occasionally been playing Overwatch 2. Those two have been my go to games for trying to not let my emotions fall into a dark depression. I do notice the "whispers" of anxiety and the dreary emotions of sadness but I'm doing my best to ignore them. Been doing lots of things in ESO. From Guild Activities to Promoting my own guild to just casually fishing in the zone of Summerset (one of my top favorite zones).

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On another side of things, I've been feeling somewhat lonely in a romantic relationship sense. Mainly because I've been reading romance manga/watching romance anime. However when I watch shows that are live-action (?) actors, I often skip over the romantic/"sexual" moments. It just doesn't interest me the way anime/manga does when it comes to romantic things (and yet I still watch p0rn, but feel somewhat unhappy that I've watched p0rn and "scratched the itch"). Even though I feel slightly lonely, I oddly gotten used to and enjoy being single. I don't have to worry about a whole other physical person that I want to have a romantic relationship with. I worry about myself along with others I care about enough as it is. I know if I want that kind of relationship I need to put in the work, which can be many forms of exhausting. I would try to put in the work if I had someone I really liked. But currently I don't have anyone physically I want a relationship with. Kind of wish I did but kind of happy I don't... I guess it really depends on the kind of person I meet and find interesting to me.

Maybe I should just play some games with more romantic aspects like Mass Effect or Dragon Age or even Stardew Valley or Cyberpunk 2077. I did really enjoy both Judy and Panam's romance in Cyberpunk 2077. (I've also kind of put a pause on doing achievement hunting for Dragon Age Inquisition because I've been having too much fun playing ESO and Overwatch 2).

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I've been trying to force myself to draw or doodle something on paper despite my creative side being pretty much shut off currently, which sucks majorly. I got some doodles on paper, not so much drawings. I am not sure why my creative side decided to disappear but it has. I just hope it will eventually come back some day soon. 

My Current Mindset: Everything is Pointless...

 

My current mindset and thinking isn't too great. And I dont mean the normal depression and sad thoughts and self-loathing. My mind is currently thinking that everything I do and everything I want to do is pointless. There is no reason to do anything, even if it's just to make me happy. Because, in my mind, happiness is temporary due to the fact that I suffer from depression and anxiety (and probably some other things as well). I am trying to be like "It makes me happy. And even if it's temporary happiness, I should do X,Y,Z because it makes me happy and content." That thinking is kind of working but a large chunk of my brain is like "everything is pointless and nothing matters." I am trying to push past that feeling and just distract myself from the feelings of pointlessness. An example of something I want to do but seems pointless in the end is like Gaming things. Like I want to get certain achievements or accolades in games that I enjoy playing but it seems like it doesn't matter because it's just gonna be gone to the ether when I die (whenever that may be). Same goes for all my drawing goals and drawings I've done so far...

I wish my mind wouldn't be so... counter-productive and damaging to myself...