I can't seem to draw almost anything I want to draw. And I want to write fictional short stories and work on my comic/book. However, my creativity is very low. I can't produce any sort of project well. I look back on my drawings and writings and wish I could be able to draw/write like I used to. I struggle with drawing more than writing these days, though my story/comic/book feels more dragged out yet I don't want to rush anything. It's a slippery slope that is still a work in progress.
I think the reason I am struggling creativity wise is that I am depressed due to seasonal depression, regular depression, and grief as the holiday seasons arrive. It started around the week of thanksgiving and it's not gonna get better until after the Christmas season. I miss my mom immensely. And I don't have many people I can spend Christmas with, though I don't really want to expand my social circle. I'm bad at making new friends and people suck lol. Even me, I can be an awful person. Humans tend to be awful beings.
I'm also trying to feel this yearning for a romantic relationship with games that have romance in them (Mass Effect and Dragon Age). I wish I could find a game similar to those with romance in them. I've already played Fallout 4 and done with that game, Skyrim romances aren't really romance, and the other games I play don't have romance. I know I should re-do my Cyberpunk 2077 playthrough because of the updates and DLC release, but I have, like, comfort-game-syndrome. Meaning I don't want to play games that I haven't played yet and I want to play my go-tos (Mass Effect, Dragon Age Inquisition, Overwatch 2, ESO).
Also, I used to have two important people in my life who I decided to cut out despite them doing nothing wrong to me. I'm honestly not sure why I cut them out of my life but I did. I have no way to reach them now. And when I try to visualize them in my head they have like black scribbles over their face, making it hard to remember what they look like, though sometimes I get glimpses of what they looked like. I wish I never cut them out of my life. They were helpful rather than a hinderance. Fuck, why am I such an idiot like all the time???
My thanksgiving was depressing. I ordered like a meal kit from my local grocery store. And now I have all this food, some in freezer, and I just don't want it. I spent it alone, barely ate anything the day of and the day after. I felt so alone and pathetic...
I thought venting about what I'm feeling and thinking would help, but I only feel worse... yay...
