Its been 532 Days = 1 Year and 167 days since I've posted on here.

Some stuff has changed in my life over the course of a year and 167days. 

I go by Max now, instead of Mark for instance. I feel more Non-Binary, rather the feelings of being Transgender FTM. (I dont care about pronouns for myself, just get my name right please).

I've been trying to dedicate my time (and mind) to focus on my drawings and writing, compared to gaming all the time. Though I must admit its not going according to plan due to my brain and creativity being a little slower and my frustration on a high with little to no patience for minor mistakes in the artwork. Whether it be traditionally with Pencil or digitally with the Wacom One, I am trying my best to work on drawing and make improvements.

I've been wanting to watch more anime but it's difficult in the sense that I have to sit down and focus on the show and read subtitles. I can't just turn on an anime and draw while watching because I might miss out on something important. The current shows I am trying to watch though are Kuroko's Basketball, My Dress-Up Darling, and Free! Iwatobi Swim Club. And I have backlogged lots of Manga which I will get to in time, my free time that is.

I found a new singer that I thoroughly enjoy. Her name is Becky Hill and she has an amazing voice and awesome songs. My favorite, and her most recent, song is Run by Galantis and herself. I also enjoy the song Here For You by Wilkinson and Becky Hill. I still enjoy Porter Robinson and Krewella.

My "best friend" from Elementary/Middle School has ghosted me (which is ironic considering her boyfriend goes by the name Ghost). I've pretty much come to accept that if she wants to contact me she will but if she doesn't then oh well, another friend lost for me (which is a little depressing considering that I have only a few friends, all older than me though).

I have been working on losing the weight I gained after my mom passed away (you know, from stress/depression eating). I've been walking more and getting out of the apartment more which is good.

Recently my depression has been flicking on and off like a light switch and it's a bit frustrating because I go from 0 to 100 in an instant. I will say that my mood seems a bit stable right now though I have been in a more zoned-out mood. Like all I want to do is listen to music and zone out in thoughts. Maybe that's why I decided to post here on my blog. Its a place where I can just type and vent my thoughts and annoyances.

Hopefully this year I will keep up with this blog a bit better than last year, especially considering that I didn't post a single time at all last year.

2 Weeks Later Update

 I haven't posted in about two weeks due to the fact I was in a such a low place, I barely could do anything. I am in a slightly better place now. I can still see the tar pits of depression. But I am out of the pits for now. 

My main therapist, let's call her T, has been very repetitive with her opinion. One thing I cannot stand is being told something over and over and over again in a single instance. I know I'm forgetful but repeating stuff when I am already aware of whatever it might be just makes me angry. The thing she kept repeating is that "Eating Healthier and Exercise will Help you feel better". I barely got meals in when I was in the pit. It would be better to be like get meals in then work on getting your diet better. Because I know I eat junk. I am currently working getting proper meals in at proper times. Once that stays and my mood hopefully doesn't change, then I will work on getting a better diet. AND FOR A MATTER OF FACT "T" I AM EXERCISING. I GO ON MORE WALKS AND MY BACK DOESNT HURT AS MUCH!!!

On another note, when I told people in my life that I am (hopefully) going camping at some point, they were all extremely surprised. Just because I might not like bugs doesn't mean I cannot enjoy nature and fresh air. I actually am really excited to go camping.

Meh...

 As the seasons change, from Summer to Fall, so does my mood. Increasingly so from the Seasonal Affective disorder. I also felt my mood begin to drop from my normal depression.

This is gonna be a venting, thinking out loud kind of post...

I have been questioning why am I living, more so these days. Back when my mom was still living, I'd be the best caretaker I could be. And that gave me a reason to live. But now since she is gone, I dont feel like I have a purpose or reason to live. I just go day by day doing menial things or things I enjoy doing (like video games, drawing, writing, watching anime, etc.). I dont do anything that gives me purpose. I want to stream but I have difficulty doing so because I want to feel in the mood to stream rather than just doing it to do it. I want to better my drawing but, with everything going in the outside world, I have no idea on how to do that. I thought about college but I just....I dont wanna waste money on something I might not stick with (I have trouble with sticking to planned out things).

There are a lot of wants but I, in all honesty, have absolute no motivation. And if I do get motivated, its in random bursts of motivations, not long term. Just enough motivation to either start or continue a piece of artwork i was working on.

I barely have the motivation to get these thoughts onto this post but I am doing my best to push through and get it all down on here with little grammatical errors.

...

I want to die because I miss my mom. I dont care if the end of life is just a sudden stop or heaven or endless darkness.... I dont have open people to talk to about things and such. Yea, I have therapists or family friends, but I could talk to my mom about anything without a censor. I dont have my head pats or hugs. I mean, yea with COVID going on, its better that's she is gone so doesn't have to suffer through the COVID complications. And yea, without my mom here, I moved to an apartment with a new cat who is loving but sometimes a little shit (that's how cats are, i know). But I'm still grieving immensely. I hurt. I'm in pain, physically/emotionally/mentally. And I know I've let myself go. I've gained weight. I cannot walk as much as I used to be able to due to back issues and weight gain. My mood and psyche had deteriorated significantly. I don't have the memory like i used to. I literally have to write down anything I want to remember...I must admit I also have a great discomfort with the thought of growing old...I'm crying...I want to scream in anguish.