Vent Post

 I can't seem to draw almost anything I want to draw. And I want to write fictional short stories and work on my comic/book. However, my creativity is very low. I can't produce any sort of project well. I look back on my drawings and writings and wish I could be able to draw/write like I used to. I struggle with drawing more than writing these days, though my story/comic/book feels more dragged out yet I don't want to rush anything. It's a slippery slope that is still a work in progress.

I think the reason I am struggling creativity wise is that I am depressed due to seasonal depression, regular depression, and grief as the holiday seasons arrive. It started around the week of thanksgiving and it's not gonna get better until after the Christmas season. I miss my mom immensely. And I don't have many people I can spend Christmas with, though I don't really want to expand my social circle. I'm bad at making new friends and people suck lol. Even me, I can be an awful person. Humans tend to be awful beings.

I'm also trying to feel this yearning for a romantic relationship with games that have romance in them (Mass Effect and Dragon Age). I wish I could find a game similar to those with romance in them. I've already played Fallout 4 and done with that game, Skyrim romances aren't really romance, and the other games I play don't have romance. I know I should re-do my Cyberpunk 2077 playthrough because of the updates and DLC release, but I have, like, comfort-game-syndrome. Meaning I don't want to play games that I haven't played yet and I want to play my go-tos (Mass Effect, Dragon Age Inquisition, Overwatch 2, ESO).

Also, I used to have two important people in my life who I decided to cut out despite them doing nothing wrong to me. I'm honestly not sure why I cut them out of my life but I did. I have no way to reach them now. And when I try to visualize them in my head they have like black scribbles over their face, making it hard to remember what they look like, though sometimes I get glimpses of what they looked like. I wish I never cut them out of my life. They were helpful rather than a hinderance. Fuck, why am I such an idiot like all the time???

My thanksgiving was depressing. I ordered like a meal kit from my local grocery store. And now I have all this food, some in freezer, and I just don't want it. I spent it alone, barely ate anything the day of and the day after. I felt so alone and pathetic...

I thought venting about what I'm feeling and thinking would help, but I only feel worse... yay...

3 Months Later

 November is about half way done.

All of October I was horribly sick. I still occasionally have very bad coughing fits to the point of throwing up/dry-heaving which is just SO much fun (insert sarcasm)

And September was a blur.

I had been working on my book until recently, feelin a little burned out and wanting to play more games. I've been playing Overwatch 2, ESO, Fortnite, and Hogwarts Legacy. I actually finished Hogwarts Legacy and thoroughly enjoyed every second of it and now I am trying to get all achievements. A few of them requires me to make 3 other character's and get to the Map chamber as the other houses (My first playthrough I was Ravenclaw.)

This is my character (before I found an awesome cloak/robe). I like making my character look fancy and nice, though I learned the Forbidden Spells from one of the main side characters. I liked some of the characters in the game, while others bugged the shit out of me. My second character is gonna be Slytherin, then Hufflepuff, then finally Gryffindor.

In ESO, I noticed that I have reached 3k hours in-game (yes, I have no life lol). And I've been trying to level a character for the new Endless Archives, because my main toon doesn't seem to be like strong enough or have enough DPS. The new character is a Sorcerer because I've seen vids of sorc wrecking face in Endless Archives.

OG Fortnite is out currently this season and it's been a ton of fun, despite only playing a few matches. I hope to play more matches, either solo or in duos with friends.

Overwatch 2 has been fun, especially because I've been playing with my friend. I've also been wanting to play more Competitive but at the same time OW2's new competitive system that's coming to the game in 2024 looks a bit better than the current way it works. Like if you get a win/draw, you get a measly 25 competitive points. And you dont get that much CP in the Bronze, Silver, and Plat when you get your Placement matches done. It's barely any incentive to play, unless that's all you play instead of Unranked/Arcade.

I've also been wanting to stream but my OBS crashes games, stops my internet browser/YouTube/Spotify, and doesn't want to work properly. I haven't found a work around yet. I hope I can one day figure it out the issue.

Another One Month (and 5 Days) later

 Where has the time gone?

I haven't done much which makes me feel sad... I have books on Buddhism and mangas that I want to read but can muster up the [insert word here] to do so. I have games I want to play (like Baldur's Gate 3 on PC and Mass Effect Andromeda Achievement-Hunting on Playstation) but I revert back to playing comfort games (Like Fallout 76, ESO, Overwatch, or Animal Crossing). I want to work on my book as well as continue to improve my art but I have a few issues.

A. I get nervous about starting it

B. I get upset when it doesn't work out because I have bad perfectionism when it comes to my creativity.

C. My creativity has been very low with small moments of allowing me to create and be happy with the pieces that come out of the moments.

On top of all that I HAVEN'T DONE, my depression and stress and sense of loneliness has been at a major high again, meaning that I feel so alone and left behind and depressed that my very very VERY bad thoughts are back but I'm trying to fight them off. Or rather, distract them with my comfort things.

The reasons I feel left behind is that I feel like I have barely anyone around me that was in my social bubble.

1. My aunt and uncle are moving away to California (which is okay because I never was close to them but it's another loss in the bubble)
2. My sister lives in Maine, which is a major ways away. Especially since I don't drive nor would I want to drive all the way there just to see her (we aren't that close either...)
3. My best friend, who I thankfully still am able to play games with and talk to, moved away from the hometown where I reside to live with her boyfriend (which I am glad they are closer together. I just don't get to see her in person anymore).
4. My mom passed away 4yrs back so that another person gone from bubble.
5. My friend doesn't talk to me and we haven't seen each other in a while. I like being his friend but at the same time he can be a bit...annoying. He literally pokes me and its annoying. I will say I'm grateful he is still around, like in-state.
6. My close family friend moved a while back to be near grandchildren many years back. Which again, isn't bad. It's she is closer to her family. And I am glad we still talk and she visits a lot. 

I sound selfish. Change is inevitable. It happens. People change. Need to move on for whatever reason. And it's not to say I don't like where I live. I like where I live. I like my apartment. And I don't have a reason to move. And even if I were to move, I have no clue where I'd move to. I dont want to move near my aunt and uncle for many reason. Same goes for my sister. I don't want to move near my best friend because she and I would agree it would only hurt our friendship, which I do not want to do...again... I like where I live for many reasons. Plus I have my cat, who I'd think would hate moving anywhere and is used to most of my "rules" of my apartment. And I know that I could expand my social bubble but that takes emotional and social work which is very tiring for me. And it's hard for me to make friends. I'm socially awkward. I'm nearing my 30's. I have low self confidence. And I barely leave my apartment. Even going to the grocery store can be draining and I dont even understand why.

Sigh...

I feel like a selfish loser who is also a failure right now...