(I feel like) I am a waste of space.

I don't do anything in life, which is the reason for feeling the way I do mentioned in my previous post.

But...

My life has no meaning. I have no reason to live, except for myself (meh) and for my cat (not as meh). I don't have a reason for living and at the same reason I have no reason for dying (despite what my depression and suicidal ideations/thoughts might try to convince me of).

I don't believe I'll ever get to see my mom again, in any capacity (like Heaven/Hell/Afterlife). I still hurt immensely by this fact though. Death is the end. I am hoping that there is NO such thing as reincarnation  because I've lived my life, I don't want to live another in any sort of form.

I don't do anything but at the same time its like, I don't want to "branch out" or "expand my horizons" because it takes a lot of emotional/mental/and possibly physical activity to do anything different and I just don't feel up to it. And I am honestly not good at anything anymore, so I'd rather fail at things I already know I am bad at than feel worse for failing at something new. Call me a quitter, giver-upper, whatever. I don't care.

When my mom was alive, I felt like my purpose to life/to live was to take care of my mom and help her stay alive and such things. Maybe I was ignorant at the fact she was struggling and once I saw her in the hospital bed, hooked up to the machines, I knew my help wasn't working and nothing I could do would work to help her stay alive. Maybe it's better she wasn't alive to deal with COVID or other very debilitating viruses going around now that might have/probably would have affected her. 

The point of this post is this:

I have no life

I have no purpose for life or death.

I am pathetic

I am nothing

And in all honesty, I just feel like a waste of space...

Sigh...

This could be my depression talking but I feel like I can't do anything. Whether it be for a job or comfort wise. I just don't feel good enough. My art doesn't look as good as I wish it would, even when I get pieces that look decent for my art-skill. I can't seem to write anything good for stories/fictional writing. I don't feel like I am good at games anymore. Like, yea, I can play games. And I know that what most games are about, is to having fun/good time but I struggle doing that. I can't make my base in Fallout 76 look nice and creative. I feel inadequate in Overwatch (Quickplay or Competitive, BUT I am NOT in Bronze Rank... Though silver is barely any better). And when I play games, I feel like I am just going through the motions, so to speak.

I just looked up the feeling of Burnout.

"Burnout is a state of complete mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. If you are experiencing burnout, you may notice it is difficult to engage in activities you normally find meaningful. You may no longer care about the things that are important to you or experience an increasing sense of hopelessness."

Is...Is what I am feeling burnout?

If so, this is just awful.

It could be a mix of depression and burnout but goddamn this feels so bad.

The Google Solution for solving burnout is =  "It's essential to replenish your physical and emotional energy, along with your capacity to focus, by prioritizing good sleep habits, nutrition, exercise, social connection, and practices that promote equanimity and well-being, like meditating, journaling, and enjoying nature"

It's hard to do any of that when I feel like utter shit from my depression... Plus the seasonal depression and the continuous grief that comes and go.

Like... My sleep habits tend to always be shit, nutrition/exercise is difficult when severely depressed, social connections aren't really there or I just don't want to interact/be a burden to those around me when I feel this way (be a downer essentially), I don't meditate (never really liked it) or enjoy nature (due to bad/cold weather or bugs). And this blog is literally my journal.

Sigh...

Vent Post

 I can't seem to draw almost anything I want to draw. And I want to write fictional short stories and work on my comic/book. However, my creativity is very low. I can't produce any sort of project well. I look back on my drawings and writings and wish I could be able to draw/write like I used to. I struggle with drawing more than writing these days, though my story/comic/book feels more dragged out yet I don't want to rush anything. It's a slippery slope that is still a work in progress.

I think the reason I am struggling creativity wise is that I am depressed due to seasonal depression, regular depression, and grief as the holiday seasons arrive. It started around the week of thanksgiving and it's not gonna get better until after the Christmas season. I miss my mom immensely. And I don't have many people I can spend Christmas with, though I don't really want to expand my social circle. I'm bad at making new friends and people suck lol. Even me, I can be an awful person. Humans tend to be awful beings.

I'm also trying to feel this yearning for a romantic relationship with games that have romance in them (Mass Effect and Dragon Age). I wish I could find a game similar to those with romance in them. I've already played Fallout 4 and done with that game, Skyrim romances aren't really romance, and the other games I play don't have romance. I know I should re-do my Cyberpunk 2077 playthrough because of the updates and DLC release, but I have, like, comfort-game-syndrome. Meaning I don't want to play games that I haven't played yet and I want to play my go-tos (Mass Effect, Dragon Age Inquisition, Overwatch 2, ESO).

Also, I used to have two important people in my life who I decided to cut out despite them doing nothing wrong to me. I'm honestly not sure why I cut them out of my life but I did. I have no way to reach them now. And when I try to visualize them in my head they have like black scribbles over their face, making it hard to remember what they look like, though sometimes I get glimpses of what they looked like. I wish I never cut them out of my life. They were helpful rather than a hinderance. Fuck, why am I such an idiot like all the time???

My thanksgiving was depressing. I ordered like a meal kit from my local grocery store. And now I have all this food, some in freezer, and I just don't want it. I spent it alone, barely ate anything the day of and the day after. I felt so alone and pathetic...

I thought venting about what I'm feeling and thinking would help, but I only feel worse... yay...