Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over

 Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over (However, I still need to get through February).

I've been distracting myself with playing through all of Pokémon Scarlet DLC. Now I am Shiny Hunting on the Overland while also hatching eggs. I havent gotten lucky yet from the eggs, however on Dec 26 I found like 6 Shinys in the Overland. I am happy that I got shinies, I am not ungrateful but I want to get the ones Im trying to hatch. I am currently hatching eggs for Espurr (So far, ive hatched over 100)

I have a list of ones I want.

• Komala
• Klawf
• Flabebe
• Eiscue
• Chewtle
• Pawmi
• Drifloon
• Bounsweet
• Eevee -> Slyveon
• Applin -> Dipplin
• Ekans ->Arbok
• Koffing
• Poochyena
• Litwick -> Chandelure
• Mienfoo ->Mienshao
• Tentacool (non-paldean)
• Magby ->Magmar
• Mudkip -> Swampert
• Minun
• Solosis -> Reuniclus
• Pikipek -> Toucannon
• Venonat

I realize the list above has a long way to go if I am going to try and hatch them all. I hope that I can also get more herba mystica for shiny power sandwiches for either mass outbreaks or just roaming the overland areas for the pokemon listed above. (for all i know the list above might get longer).

The Ones Ive hatched/caught

• Rockruff (for a friend)
• Snubbull (for a friend)
• Naclstack
• Cyclizar
• Lechonk
• Crabrawler
• Skiddo
• Zoroark
• Cubchoo
• Rellor
• Mareep
• Rolycoly
• Sprigatito
• Slowpoke
• Sneasel
• Jumpluff
• Meditite
• Pyroar
• Tarountula
• Greavard
• (Paldean) Wooper
• Sinistea
• Minior
• Chansey
• Tyrogue
• Mudsdale
• Exeggcute
• Sawsbuck
• Smeargle
• Deerling
• Toxtricity

(I feel like) I am a waste of space.

I don't do anything in life, which is the reason for feeling the way I do mentioned in my previous post.

But...

My life has no meaning. I have no reason to live, except for myself (meh) and for my cat (not as meh). I don't have a reason for living and at the same reason I have no reason for dying (despite what my depression and suicidal ideations/thoughts might try to convince me of).

I don't believe I'll ever get to see my mom again, in any capacity (like Heaven/Hell/Afterlife). I still hurt immensely by this fact though. Death is the end. I am hoping that there is NO such thing as reincarnation  because I've lived my life, I don't want to live another in any sort of form.

I don't do anything but at the same time its like, I don't want to "branch out" or "expand my horizons" because it takes a lot of emotional/mental/and possibly physical activity to do anything different and I just don't feel up to it. And I am honestly not good at anything anymore, so I'd rather fail at things I already know I am bad at than feel worse for failing at something new. Call me a quitter, giver-upper, whatever. I don't care.

When my mom was alive, I felt like my purpose to life/to live was to take care of my mom and help her stay alive and such things. Maybe I was ignorant at the fact she was struggling and once I saw her in the hospital bed, hooked up to the machines, I knew my help wasn't working and nothing I could do would work to help her stay alive. Maybe it's better she wasn't alive to deal with COVID or other very debilitating viruses going around now that might have/probably would have affected her. 

The point of this post is this:

I have no life

I have no purpose for life or death.

I am pathetic

I am nothing

And in all honesty, I just feel like a waste of space...

Sigh...

This could be my depression talking but I feel like I can't do anything. Whether it be for a job or comfort wise. I just don't feel good enough. My art doesn't look as good as I wish it would, even when I get pieces that look decent for my art-skill. I can't seem to write anything good for stories/fictional writing. I don't feel like I am good at games anymore. Like, yea, I can play games. And I know that what most games are about, is to having fun/good time but I struggle doing that. I can't make my base in Fallout 76 look nice and creative. I feel inadequate in Overwatch (Quickplay or Competitive, BUT I am NOT in Bronze Rank... Though silver is barely any better). And when I play games, I feel like I am just going through the motions, so to speak.

I just looked up the feeling of Burnout.

"Burnout is a state of complete mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. If you are experiencing burnout, you may notice it is difficult to engage in activities you normally find meaningful. You may no longer care about the things that are important to you or experience an increasing sense of hopelessness."

Is...Is what I am feeling burnout?

If so, this is just awful.

It could be a mix of depression and burnout but goddamn this feels so bad.

The Google Solution for solving burnout is =  "It's essential to replenish your physical and emotional energy, along with your capacity to focus, by prioritizing good sleep habits, nutrition, exercise, social connection, and practices that promote equanimity and well-being, like meditating, journaling, and enjoying nature"

It's hard to do any of that when I feel like utter shit from my depression... Plus the seasonal depression and the continuous grief that comes and go.

Like... My sleep habits tend to always be shit, nutrition/exercise is difficult when severely depressed, social connections aren't really there or I just don't want to interact/be a burden to those around me when I feel this way (be a downer essentially), I don't meditate (never really liked it) or enjoy nature (due to bad/cold weather or bugs). And this blog is literally my journal.

Sigh...