COVID, Monthly "Gift", and Grief (Oh My!)

I haven't posted in a while due to the fact that I've been very sick with Covid-19, and I am not quite sure how I caught it (don't worry, I am currently quarantining). And now it's February. And I got my Time-of-Month "gift". And I'm missing my mom immensely (again). So that's like a truck load of physical and emotional damage at once that hit me last week. The only "good" thing is that my "gift" is almost done. But I'm still emotionally and physically suffering from Covid-19 and my mom's birth/death anniversary (She was born on Feb 8th and died Feb 11th, 60-something years later in 2019).

It's 2am and I'm trying not to spiral into the pit again.

But I have to be honest, due to my spacier than normal brain and sleeping days away to rest, I've missed a few days of medication. I'll try my best to take them at a decent hour today (no promises because spacey brain and sleepy time).

When I am awake and (semi)alert, I want to do things like draw, write, or game. But I either don't have the strength/alertness or my hands get super sweaty. That's been happening a lot with Covid. My hands (and feet) get super sweaty, making it difficult to draw or wear socks.

This past time I fell asleep, I thought I was in dream world for a long time. I thought I died or something. When I opened my eyes, I questioned reality. Was I really awake? Am I still alive? Is this a dream?

I don't want to be sick. Like, I was just sick in all of October last year.

I want my life to go back to when I lived in my house with my mom. I would want her to be better obviously. (But at the same time, if my mom didn't die and I never moved to my apartment, I would have never met my cat KiKi who I love so much with all my heart. My cat is the reason I live today).

It took me about half an hour to write this post (even though its not that long)

 

It's currently 2:30-ish am when I started writing this post. I have updated my blog's font and layout (and a few other things) this morning. No significant changes though. I had a coffee around 5pm yesterday (Saturday) and it's kept me awake since, which is semi-frustrating because I was working on fixing my sleep. Time to re-fix it again (lol).

On ESO, I've been leveling my (new) Nightblade Wood Elf (Maxx-Of-All-Trades) and using my main/templar to do misc/daily tasks along with fishing (Momo Mender Of All Wounds). With my nightblade, I am currently grinding out Alliance Assault War Skill for Caltrops (which is a pain to get, even with the Colovian War Torte which gives 50% boost to AP). I always, however, return to fishing with my main as a relaxing thing to do while watching YT or Anime (or listening to Distractible)

I've been playing "comfort games" over "new games", even though I have a long list of games (PS5 and PC) that I wanna start (ESO being the main comfort game). The list on PC is much longer than PS5 but I really wanna reignite my playthrough on Yakuza Series which happens to be on PS5/PS4.

I am now debating about rescinding my trying to give a daily mood update BECAUSE, in all honesty, I am pretty neutral when it comes to how I am feeling by the end of the day. And even if I was able to make notes throughout the day on my mood, I'd still like neutral about things unless something significant happens (Good or Bad). Even though some might not agree, I am pretty grey in the sense of Black/Bad and White/Good when I am doing better. Like I am not feeling like Im in a pit of darkness/despair/hopelessness NOR am I feeling like rainbows, sunshine, and pure happiness. Grey. I am currently grey.

(Here is my desk set up for traditional artwork. I want to work on my Copic Marker Coloring and Inking with G-Pen Nibs. The list on the book holder is my grocery list lol)

Gonna try a thing (for myself)

So I'm gonna try a thing. I'm going to do my best to make a post (hopefully) daily to keep track of my mood and mental state. I will start next week on Sunday so it can start on a fresh week. I hope this will work. My therapist(s) suggest that I keep a journal about how I am doing but I like posting my emotions, feelings, etc. on this blog. And even though others can see it, I don't care. It's just something I like to do. I don't have to justify anything. And plus, I wanted to be posting on my blog more anyway. It's fun and a change of pace than just using peloton, playing games, watching youtube, etc. etc.

On a different note, ESO announced the next chapter/DLC = Gold Road. I am excited for it, as ESO is my comfort game and I love seeing new/or reimagined places of the Elder Scrolls games (like Western Skyrim with Solitude or the beauty of sunflowers and sea High Isle). My favorite zone is Summerset for the view and the fishing spots though my favorite zone that gave a class is either Necrom (Arcanist class, though I have yet to play it more) or Vvardenfell (Warden class, because I love bear). But nothing will ever replace my main, which is a base game class. My Khajiiti Templar Healer Main (though I DPS when I am running around on another armory build).

Next week two games come out from the last of my Pre-Orders (except when I am able to pre-order ESO: Gold Road). Those two games are Tekken 8 and Like A Dragon Infinite Wealth. I used to love playing Tekken 6 on PS3, though it looks different than I remember haha. And I still have yet to playthrough the Yakuza/Like A Dragon games (still on Yakuza Kiwami 2), but I have a lot of fun when I play them (I especially liked Yakuza Dead Souls even though that isn't part of the lore, it was mainly just a zombie x yakuza game haha). It's just I am in a comfort zone kind of gaming and I dont wanna have to focus on story, reading subtitles, and such right now. Its kind of why I haven't watched any anime recently, even though I want to. Due to my height, and the screen on the peloton, I cannot see lower on my TV so it makes it a bit harder to watch Yowamushi Pedal on Crunchyroll.

I have been drawing a bit more, like rather than tracing and recoloring. I've actually drew some things, both digitally and traditionally, that came out okay.