2 Weeks Later Update

 I haven't posted in about two weeks due to the fact I was in a such a low place, I barely could do anything. I am in a slightly better place now. I can still see the tar pits of depression. But I am out of the pits for now. 

My main therapist, let's call her T, has been very repetitive with her opinion. One thing I cannot stand is being told something over and over and over again in a single instance. I know I'm forgetful but repeating stuff when I am already aware of whatever it might be just makes me angry. The thing she kept repeating is that "Eating Healthier and Exercise will Help you feel better". I barely got meals in when I was in the pit. It would be better to be like get meals in then work on getting your diet better. Because I know I eat junk. I am currently working getting proper meals in at proper times. Once that stays and my mood hopefully doesn't change, then I will work on getting a better diet. AND FOR A MATTER OF FACT "T" I AM EXERCISING. I GO ON MORE WALKS AND MY BACK DOESNT HURT AS MUCH!!!

On another note, when I told people in my life that I am (hopefully) going camping at some point, they were all extremely surprised. Just because I might not like bugs doesn't mean I cannot enjoy nature and fresh air. I actually am really excited to go camping.

Meh...

 As the seasons change, from Summer to Fall, so does my mood. Increasingly so from the Seasonal Affective disorder. I also felt my mood begin to drop from my normal depression.

This is gonna be a venting, thinking out loud kind of post...

I have been questioning why am I living, more so these days. Back when my mom was still living, I'd be the best caretaker I could be. And that gave me a reason to live. But now since she is gone, I dont feel like I have a purpose or reason to live. I just go day by day doing menial things or things I enjoy doing (like video games, drawing, writing, watching anime, etc.). I dont do anything that gives me purpose. I want to stream but I have difficulty doing so because I want to feel in the mood to stream rather than just doing it to do it. I want to better my drawing but, with everything going in the outside world, I have no idea on how to do that. I thought about college but I just....I dont wanna waste money on something I might not stick with (I have trouble with sticking to planned out things).

There are a lot of wants but I, in all honesty, have absolute no motivation. And if I do get motivated, its in random bursts of motivations, not long term. Just enough motivation to either start or continue a piece of artwork i was working on.

I barely have the motivation to get these thoughts onto this post but I am doing my best to push through and get it all down on here with little grammatical errors.

...

I want to die because I miss my mom. I dont care if the end of life is just a sudden stop or heaven or endless darkness.... I dont have open people to talk to about things and such. Yea, I have therapists or family friends, but I could talk to my mom about anything without a censor. I dont have my head pats or hugs. I mean, yea with COVID going on, its better that's she is gone so doesn't have to suffer through the COVID complications. And yea, without my mom here, I moved to an apartment with a new cat who is loving but sometimes a little shit (that's how cats are, i know). But I'm still grieving immensely. I hurt. I'm in pain, physically/emotionally/mentally. And I know I've let myself go. I've gained weight. I cannot walk as much as I used to be able to due to back issues and weight gain. My mood and psyche had deteriorated significantly. I don't have the memory like i used to. I literally have to write down anything I want to remember...I must admit I also have a great discomfort with the thought of growing old...I'm crying...I want to scream in anguish.

Waiting for the actual news of a Mass Effect Remaster...

 

I do my best to keep up with the "leaks" and rumors to the possibility of a Mass Effect Trilogy remaster. For those who know me, know my favorite game series of all time is Mass Effect (Yes, even Andromeda). 

The most recent rumor I saw is that their MIGHT be a release date for it in October. That would be amazing if it were more than just a rumor. Not only for the awesome-ness of a remaster but ALSO because N7 Day (November 7th) wouldnt be too far off. To me, that's epic in theory.

I am currently working on playing through the trilogy again but this time romancing Garrus. I've romanced Liara, Ashley, Traynor, Steve and Kaidan. I have yet to romance Miranda, Jack, Tali, Samara, James, Javik(?), Thane, Allers...And No I wont romance Jacob, I dont particularly like him.

I am also working on play Mass Effect 3 on Insanity. Im literally on the last mission. But I know how difficult it can be even on Normal. So I've literally been putting it off.

----

I've also been playing so much Elder Scrolls Online. In the past two weeks I've played 84 hrs. In total I've played 1,245 hrs. Like I love this game. It's my all time favorite MMO. 

It's also pretty epic in my eyes that Lyris Titanborn is voiced by Jennifer Hale aka FemShep of Mass Effect! 

This is my guy from ESO