Anxiety and Drawing

 Anxiety has been crazy. I have been panicking about Christmas (obviously if you've read my past three posts). But my anxiety has been worrying over things that I should have to worry about, at least right now. Breathing techniques can only do so much. My anxiety is dumb and I wish it would calm it's metaphorical tits over things that don't matter right now (like friend's inevitably passing away or wind storms causing major catastrophe SOMEHOW, like I can't even explain any of this). Just go to take one day at time and cross whatever bridges whenever they come and take things slowly.

On a lighter note, I've gotten back into the swing of things with drawing (mostly). And I've been enjoying it. One of my favorite drawing's I've done recently is the one of me and my "close" friends. (though my weight isn't accurate in the drawing because I struggle with larger body types, I'm actually quite short and chubby).

I'd Rather Be Alone For Christmas (Minor Update Again/3.0)

 The stress I've been having about Christmas and Family has been so overwhelming I had to resort back to the outlet of smoking a cigarette or vaping to calm my nerves. I dont care what the Anti-Tobacco Ads say, for me, the occasional cigarette or vape moment helps me through the extreme stress times that happen on rare occasion. I know some people would go to Weed/Edibles for their relieve of stress and anxiety but all that mainly does for me is make me super sleepy (and sometimes loopy lol).

This stress and anxiety feels as bad as it felt when I'd have to go to school (specifically Freshman Year of High School) and my anxiety back then was just god-awful. Also my ideations (NOT ACTION) of suicidal thoughts have snuck a few thoughts here and there in my mind from all of this. From me missing my mom, dealing with family, worrying about the future/next year, etc. 

The plan for Christmas is to have a cigarette/vape "break" (away from my apartment complex) before I head over to my aunt's place to help relieve some stress/anxiety. Because she causes me so much anxiety that when we are driving to her place I'll probably feel car-sick, and I don't even get car sick in the front seat! She just radiates a judgmental aura that causes me so much distress, if you couldn't already tell.

But I shall do my best to be strong and fight through. I'll be strong like Commander Shepard and fight back against the Reapers that are my family.

I'd Rather Be Alone on Christmas (Minor Update/ 2.0)

 As days pass and we get closer and closer to Christmas the more I become anxious, stressed and depressed. I honestly wish my aunt could like mail or deliver my gifts to me and just have a brief hello or sit in MY apartment where I dont feel as stressed. I know that sounds a bit weird but I've always felt less stressed when I'm at my house when I lived there or at my current apartment. That way I dont have to worry about like leaving when she wants me to leave. And I feel a little more in control of when its time for the gathering to end compared to her controlling it and making it feel never-ending. I still wish I could be alone for Christmas... And as bad as this might sound, the only way to truly "get out" from going to her house is to get really sick. Not saying I wanna be sick because being sick sucks but like if were to get sick, it would be like bittersweet or blessing in disguise or whatever. And I know if I was alone for Christmas I'd feel a bit alone which makes sense but it's more of a sense of missing my mom and wishing was here sense of lonely, not wishing to be with extended family.

If I could spend Christmas alone, I'd probably spend time gaming on computer (like playing Elder Scrolls Online or maybe some single player games like Witcher III or Mass Effect Series). Or maybe I'd draw/work on getting back into the swing of drawing as I've kind of been like not top of things relating to drawing.

I feel bad for my friends who I've complained to about my family situation because I hate complaining/venting to others besides therapist because I feel like I'm burdening them with my own issues/complaints. I know its not completely true but still feel bad.

Winter and Holiday seasons have been a bummer ever since my mom passed away in 2019. And then having my grandmother passing next year (?) or so after that, Christmas hasn't been the same. My Grandmother would spend lots of her money on knick-knacks in these very large stockings we had in our family. My grandmother kept everyone happy with gifts and love and my mom kept the peace so to speak. Christmas would often be at my house and we'd put on, or at least I would, a facade so no one was upset on Christmas. Getting gifts is almost always nice. But now, getting gifts with often some sort of attitude or passive-aggressiveness makes getting the gifts a bit less appealing. I often now have to like shut my mouth and never ever voice my opinion on anything because if I do, no matter what I say, my aunt and/or uncle would super annoyed/angry at me. So it's a mostly Mute Christmas for me.

I do apologize if I've repeated anything in this post from the previous post. I'm terrible at remembering things I've said or done.

I'd Rather Be Alone For Christmas (Long Vent Post)

 As much as I enjoy aspects of Christmas (The Food/Desserts, Gift-Giving/Gift-Getting, Tree Decorating even though I cant really do that right now) I honestly want to spend Christmas alone. My Family, well the family members I'd be spending time with on Christmas, are very hard to deal with and often have bad interactions (judgement, passive-aggressiveness, control, etc.) especially with my Aunt and my Uncle. They are very judgmental of me and my life, and there is no confronting them because it'd make things worse and never better (trust me I've tried). Things were better when my mom was around (and my grandmother). Everyone got along with everyone well enough and there wasn't spoken judgment like there is now. For example, my aunt said that I wasn't independent because, in her words, relied too much on a family friend. I just nodded my head and sat in silence (as it was during a car ride). But it's like, I'm never ever going to rely on her ever and I dont wanna rely on google for everything because it's the internet and you don't really wanna trust and rely on the internet for every answer in life. And I dont have many people who know answers to the question I have. So i go to said family friend for some answers. And, sorry not sorry, I've been independent every since my mom died and I've done most things on my own. I know I am independent. But hearing her hurtful and thoughtlessness hurts me. It always has. I wish I could like just cut her out of my life completely sometimes... because I remember distinctly on my 19th birthday she asked i wanted MY birthday cake or not. I was already upset so i ran up to my bedroom and sobbed until the family left. Out of my family members, I like my uncle who lives in CA most, then a tie between my cousin and sister (they arent great but they arent bad. They are good people trying their best) and tied at the bottom of the list is my aunt and uncle. I have friends who are higher on the list than them and if that makes me a bad person then fine I am a bad person. But I digress...

I really wanna spend Christmas by myself but I know I'll have to go to their house (hopefully driven by my sister and not my aunt) to be able to get gifts. If I have to be driven by my aunt, honestly I dont know what I'll do. I always have anxiety around her. And Anxiety +  her driving + more anxiety being stuck at her house until SHE decides its a decent time for me to go (because if I decide that I wanna leave before she does she'll be like you weren't here that long, why dont you wanna be here that long, blah blah blah and i just, as you can tell, don't wanna deal with any of that). If I could spend Christmas alone, I would. And if a Family member somehow reads this post. Sorry, Not Sorry about everything I said.

Wish I Could Draw, Playing Pokemon Instead

I've been playing tons and tons of Pokémon Scarlet, mainly shiny hunting. I currently have a Crabrawler, Skiddo, Zoroark, Cubchoo, Rellor, Mareep, Rolycoly, Sprigatito, and Slowpoke (along with the Cyclizar and Oinkologne). I have hatched tons and tons of eggs, most of the pokemon I found were in the wild though. I'm on and off working on getting a full dex of Shinies, so to speak. I have over 200hrs in the game and I have the shiny charm finally.

Though I've been enjoying playing Pokémon Scarlet (with some ESO and WoW in between, and maybe some Cooking Simulator and Timberborn) I wish I was drawing more. But every time I try to draw, my brain doesn't know what to draw or do... I've been here before and I have forgotten how I got out of this sort of rut. I'm trying to just draw anything but that doesn't seem to be working. And I haven't been working on my story for a long time now. It makes me annoyed and frustrated. And I wish I knew how to hold myself accountable better but I haven't really held myself accountable for things like drawing and writing. Maybe because I just dont really know how...