As much as I enjoy aspects of Christmas (The Food/Desserts, Gift-Giving/Gift-Getting, Tree Decorating even though I cant really do that right now) I honestly want to spend Christmas alone. My Family, well the family members I'd be spending time with on Christmas, are very hard to deal with and often have bad interactions (judgement, passive-aggressiveness, control, etc.) especially with my Aunt and my Uncle. They are very judgmental of me and my life, and there is no confronting them because it'd make things worse and never better (trust me I've tried). Things were better when my mom was around (and my grandmother). Everyone got along with everyone well enough and there wasn't spoken judgment like there is now. For example, my aunt said that I wasn't independent because, in her words, relied too much on a family friend. I just nodded my head and sat in silence (as it was during a car ride). But it's like, I'm never ever going to rely on her ever and I dont wanna rely on google for everything because it's the internet and you don't really wanna trust and rely on the internet for every answer in life. And I dont have many people who know answers to the question I have. So i go to said family friend for some answers. And, sorry not sorry, I've been independent every since my mom died and I've done most things on my own. I know I am independent. But hearing her hurtful and thoughtlessness hurts me. It always has. I wish I could like just cut her out of my life completely sometimes... because I remember distinctly on my 19th birthday she asked i wanted MY birthday cake or not. I was already upset so i ran up to my bedroom and sobbed until the family left. Out of my family members, I like my uncle who lives in CA most, then a tie between my cousin and sister (they arent great but they arent bad. They are good people trying their best) and tied at the bottom of the list is my aunt and uncle. I have friends who are higher on the list than them and if that makes me a bad person then fine I am a bad person. But I digress...
I really wanna spend Christmas by myself but I know I'll have to go to their house (hopefully driven by my sister and not my aunt) to be able to get gifts. If I have to be driven by my aunt, honestly I dont know what I'll do. I always have anxiety around her. And Anxiety + her driving + more anxiety being stuck at her house until SHE decides its a decent time for me to go (because if I decide that I wanna leave before she does she'll be like you weren't here that long, why dont you wanna be here that long, blah blah blah and i just, as you can tell, don't wanna deal with any of that). If I could spend Christmas alone, I would. And if a Family member somehow reads this post. Sorry, Not Sorry about everything I said.
