Lost in Thought & Other Thoughts

 

I've recently been kind of zoned out, maybe even dissociative. Sometimes it's a lost in thought kind of zoned out, other times I'm just zoned out without barely a thought.

It's been hard to focus on my artwork things or gaming things. Though I will say, its easier to focus on gaming things than drawing things. That causes minor frustration because I want to be doing artwork things compared to gaming things. Writing also seems like its comes easier than drawing.

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I've been playing Assassin's Creed Valhalla on PC (I technically finished main game on PS4) and it's been crashing a lot. Eventually when I get upset from all the crashes, I decide to play Elder Scrolls Online or Mass Effect 2.

I am almost done with my preparation playthrough of the Mass Effect 2 to gather weapons and armor for my Mass Effect 2 Insanity playthrough. I will say, I find it dumb that in Mass Effect 2 New Game+, you dont get to keep upgrades that you've gathered after doing so much planet scanning. It really is annoying considering on my current casual playthrough I gathered sooooo many upgrades for Weapons, Medi-gel and Health. I am happy that you get to keep weapons, armor, and heavy weapons from the previous playthrough (like the M-920 Cain, Kestrel Armor, Mattock Assault Rifle, and Phalanx Pistol. Those are key things for the Insanity Playthrough. At least from what I have read on forums and reddit). My current Shepard, Maxx Shepard, is a soldier class because that's what is recommended for the Insanity Playthrough on ME2. I might change him to Sentinel for ME3 but we'll see. I have to say the Soldier class is a decent class in ME2 with good abilities. Disruptor Ammo is good for the synthetic enemies (Geth) and shields while Incendiary Ammo is good for all other enemies and damaging armor. I dont use Cryo Ammo at all. Occasionally I use the Concussive Shot to either do damage or send enemies away, giving distance between me and them. I'll need to use Adrenaline Rush more when I do my insanity playthrough. And for bonus power I chose Geth Shield Boost to be able to bring up my shield when it gets knocked out. My go-to squad-mates are Miranda and Garrus (and sometimes Mordin). Their abilities give me the power to get rid of Shields, Armor, and Barriers. Mordin's Incinerate is better for Armor compared to Miranda or Garrus's abilities but Garrus has a sniper rifle and I have incendiary ammo to make up for that when Mordin isn't available or I dont want to take him on a mission (I also think that squad-mates are very squishy in Mass Effect 1 and 2 compared to Mass Effect 3).

On another note, I have a love-hate relationship with Apex Legends. I love it because when you're in a fight you aren't getting boxed in by someone building a dozen walls and floors (like in Fortnite) and I like the characters and weapons and most maps. However, I hate all the hacked enemies. And usually I start off with "practice/beginning" round because I have to like get into the zone and stuff. And often my aim sucks with most guns. My best guns are the wingman and R-301. Sometimes the R-99. And on a rare occasion I can get a single shot off with a sniper like the Sentinel. But all other guns I am terrible with....I also dont really have a main apex character. I like Octane, Revenant, Pathfinder and Lifeline but I mainly play what's needed for the Weekly Challenges for the Battle Pass (this recent BP wanted me to play Gibraltar which I am okay at I guess.).

Things I want to do vs Things I am doing

 I've been wanting to do a lot of things this year (and only been doing a small amount of them).

Here are the things I've been wanting to do (why I haven't been doing it):

• The Number one thing is that I want to focus more on my drawing/writing skills whether it be on traditional paper or digital paper (as they have deteriorated a little bit since 2019)
• Mass Effect Legendary Edition Playthrough PC (technically I am on Mass Effect 3 but I've back tracked a little to Mass Effect 2)
• Mass Effect Legendary Edition Insanity Playthrough/Achievement Hunting PC (I've finished Mass Effect 1 with about 100 saves lol, now I am on my Mass Effect 2 Casual Playthrough to gather Weapons and Armor for Mass Effect 2 Insanity Playthrough.)
• Dragon Age: Inquisition Achievement Hunting (I've been WANTing to do that but most of the achievements I need are the Trial Achievements which can be buggy and annoying)
• Yakuza Series Playthrough (I own all 7 on PS4 but I haven't really played them due to the fan on my PS4 going crazy when I play Yakuza Kiwami 2, which is the one I am on).
• More ESO Things like Farming Armor/Monster Sets, earn gold, level my alt characters, etc etc. (I log in to do my daily crafting writs but that's about it recently.)
• Watch more Anime (haven't felt like really sitting down and watching even though I was enjoying the anime I am currently watching, which is Kuroko's Basketball).
• Read more manga and novels (have difficultly sitting down and focusing on the item I am reading).

I really should just focus on one but I have focusing issues, along with patience issues and perfectionism issues (the perfectionism is more so with my drawings than gaming).

Its been 532 Days = 1 Year and 167 days since I've posted on here.

Some stuff has changed in my life over the course of a year and 167days. 

I go by Max now, instead of Mark for instance. I feel more Non-Binary, rather the feelings of being Transgender FTM. (I dont care about pronouns for myself, just get my name right please).

I've been trying to dedicate my time (and mind) to focus on my drawings and writing, compared to gaming all the time. Though I must admit its not going according to plan due to my brain and creativity being a little slower and my frustration on a high with little to no patience for minor mistakes in the artwork. Whether it be traditionally with Pencil or digitally with the Wacom One, I am trying my best to work on drawing and make improvements.

I've been wanting to watch more anime but it's difficult in the sense that I have to sit down and focus on the show and read subtitles. I can't just turn on an anime and draw while watching because I might miss out on something important. The current shows I am trying to watch though are Kuroko's Basketball, My Dress-Up Darling, and Free! Iwatobi Swim Club. And I have backlogged lots of Manga which I will get to in time, my free time that is.

I found a new singer that I thoroughly enjoy. Her name is Becky Hill and she has an amazing voice and awesome songs. My favorite, and her most recent, song is Run by Galantis and herself. I also enjoy the song Here For You by Wilkinson and Becky Hill. I still enjoy Porter Robinson and Krewella.

My "best friend" from Elementary/Middle School has ghosted me (which is ironic considering her boyfriend goes by the name Ghost). I've pretty much come to accept that if she wants to contact me she will but if she doesn't then oh well, another friend lost for me (which is a little depressing considering that I have only a few friends, all older than me though).

I have been working on losing the weight I gained after my mom passed away (you know, from stress/depression eating). I've been walking more and getting out of the apartment more which is good.

Recently my depression has been flicking on and off like a light switch and it's a bit frustrating because I go from 0 to 100 in an instant. I will say that my mood seems a bit stable right now though I have been in a more zoned-out mood. Like all I want to do is listen to music and zone out in thoughts. Maybe that's why I decided to post here on my blog. Its a place where I can just type and vent my thoughts and annoyances.

Hopefully this year I will keep up with this blog a bit better than last year, especially considering that I didn't post a single time at all last year.