My Birthday is April 1st By The Way

My birthday this year is going to be good because I have plans on and after with family. And honestly, despite my previous blog posts about how I never got along with family, I am happy to be spending it with family. I am on better terms with my Aunt and Uncle and they dont "deadname" me which is very nice.

The only gripe I have about birthday is that I dont have a day (yet) where I am spending it with friends. Its understandable because they have lives and jobs and stuff. I get that. I do. I just wish I could spend it with my buddy Stanz or maybe spend it gaming online with my Call of Duty Buddies. But we'll see how I am feeling because I haven't been in the mood to play CoD. Mainly been playing Dragon Age Inquisition, Elder Scrolls Online, or Apex Legends (recently got an heirloom for the first time). I want to like playing Warzone and Call of Duty Vanguard but I haven't in the mood but maybe if I start playing I can get in the zone like I do with Apex Legends.

Forcing Myself to do what I love

 I have been trying to push through the neutrality and no-enjoyment of things to at least play games even if it feels like going through the motions. It's easier to mindlessly play Elder Scrolls Online compared to an Insanity Playthrough of Mass Effect Trilogy or even a Casual Playthrough of Dragon Age: Inquisition. There is even a bonus even going on right now (March 17 - March 22, 2022) where there is bonus XP-Gain, Gold-Gain, and Harvest Nodes Loot. They probably implemented it because the Dungeon Queue is currently very broken and things at night to seem to get laggy-er for people. I mean it happens with most of their big updates, this update being update 33 + Ascending Tides DLC.

I haven't tried the new dungeons because A. Dungeon Queue is broken and B. I just want to be alone mostly. I mean I lurk in the guild chat, rarely saying anything. I need to level up My Necromancer and one of my two Nightblades because those are the two classes I dont have Maxed out at level 50. But I also want to take advantage of the increased harvest node loot on my main...

In all honesty, I dont really want to do anything but I am forcing myself to, hoping that this feeling will go away. I really just want to lie in bed, with music playing, and let myself zone out even more than I am already. But I feel like that is bad for my brain and my emotional state of mind. And even when I do, like, lie in bed to go to bed and zone out to try and sleep, I feel like I need to be doing something even though I dont see my enjoyment currently.

Maybe I'll find enjoyment in a couple of games that are coming out next week. Tiny Tina's Wonderland and Ghostwire: Tokyo. Or maybe I'll find enjoyment on my birthday because I have stuff I am going to be doing that midday at least. Honestly, I dont know. But I can hope.

Currently I've lost Enjoyment on Things in My Life

I feel blocked out in my own mind. I can't draw or write stories even though I really want to. I can't see my creativity whatsoever. I don't feel like I am enjoying my usual hobbies, or at least the one I can do which is video games. I try playing Elder Scrolls Online or Mass Effect (my top two favorite games) and I dont feel enjoyment. I feel like I am just going through the motions. I end up not playing much and stare/watch some TV shows or Movies on one of many streaming platforms (Disney+, Netflix, Paramount+, Hulu, HBO Max, etc.). And even though I am watching a show I like, I'm not enjoying the show. It feels like I'm just staring at the ceiling that has TV on it, or something like that. The one thing, at the beginning of this no-feeling and neutrality, that I enjoyed was the Disney+ Movie Turning Red. But that was at the beginning when I kind of enjoyed things. But now it feels much worse than before. Or rather, I dont feel much of happiness or enjoyment as I did before. I do somewhat feel sadness but even that is like not completely there, so to speak.....

I have no idea what to do to solve this issue... But I wish I could enjoy anything right now. Games, Drawing, Writing, Daily life things. ANYTHING!