2 Weeks Later Update

 I haven't posted in about two weeks due to the fact I was in a such a low place, I barely could do anything. I am in a slightly better place now. I can still see the tar pits of depression. But I am out of the pits for now. 

My main therapist, let's call her T, has been very repetitive with her opinion. One thing I cannot stand is being told something over and over and over again in a single instance. I know I'm forgetful but repeating stuff when I am already aware of whatever it might be just makes me angry. The thing she kept repeating is that "Eating Healthier and Exercise will Help you feel better". I barely got meals in when I was in the pit. It would be better to be like get meals in then work on getting your diet better. Because I know I eat junk. I am currently working getting proper meals in at proper times. Once that stays and my mood hopefully doesn't change, then I will work on getting a better diet. AND FOR A MATTER OF FACT "T" I AM EXERCISING. I GO ON MORE WALKS AND MY BACK DOESNT HURT AS MUCH!!!

On another note, when I told people in my life that I am (hopefully) going camping at some point, they were all extremely surprised. Just because I might not like bugs doesn't mean I cannot enjoy nature and fresh air. I actually am really excited to go camping.

Meh...

 As the seasons change, from Summer to Fall, so does my mood. Increasingly so from the Seasonal Affective disorder. I also felt my mood begin to drop from my normal depression.

This is gonna be a venting, thinking out loud kind of post...

I have been questioning why am I living, more so these days. Back when my mom was still living, I'd be the best caretaker I could be. And that gave me a reason to live. But now since she is gone, I dont feel like I have a purpose or reason to live. I just go day by day doing menial things or things I enjoy doing (like video games, drawing, writing, watching anime, etc.). I dont do anything that gives me purpose. I want to stream but I have difficulty doing so because I want to feel in the mood to stream rather than just doing it to do it. I want to better my drawing but, with everything going in the outside world, I have no idea on how to do that. I thought about college but I just....I dont wanna waste money on something I might not stick with (I have trouble with sticking to planned out things).

There are a lot of wants but I, in all honesty, have absolute no motivation. And if I do get motivated, its in random bursts of motivations, not long term. Just enough motivation to either start or continue a piece of artwork i was working on.

I barely have the motivation to get these thoughts onto this post but I am doing my best to push through and get it all down on here with little grammatical errors.

...

I want to die because I miss my mom. I dont care if the end of life is just a sudden stop or heaven or endless darkness.... I dont have open people to talk to about things and such. Yea, I have therapists or family friends, but I could talk to my mom about anything without a censor. I dont have my head pats or hugs. I mean, yea with COVID going on, its better that's she is gone so doesn't have to suffer through the COVID complications. And yea, without my mom here, I moved to an apartment with a new cat who is loving but sometimes a little shit (that's how cats are, i know). But I'm still grieving immensely. I hurt. I'm in pain, physically/emotionally/mentally. And I know I've let myself go. I've gained weight. I cannot walk as much as I used to be able to due to back issues and weight gain. My mood and psyche had deteriorated significantly. I don't have the memory like i used to. I literally have to write down anything I want to remember...I must admit I also have a great discomfort with the thought of growing old...I'm crying...I want to scream in anguish.

Waiting for the actual news of a Mass Effect Remaster...

 

I do my best to keep up with the "leaks" and rumors to the possibility of a Mass Effect Trilogy remaster. For those who know me, know my favorite game series of all time is Mass Effect (Yes, even Andromeda). 

The most recent rumor I saw is that their MIGHT be a release date for it in October. That would be amazing if it were more than just a rumor. Not only for the awesome-ness of a remaster but ALSO because N7 Day (November 7th) wouldnt be too far off. To me, that's epic in theory.

I am currently working on playing through the trilogy again but this time romancing Garrus. I've romanced Liara, Ashley, Traynor, Steve and Kaidan. I have yet to romance Miranda, Jack, Tali, Samara, James, Javik(?), Thane, Allers...And No I wont romance Jacob, I dont particularly like him.

I am also working on play Mass Effect 3 on Insanity. Im literally on the last mission. But I know how difficult it can be even on Normal. So I've literally been putting it off.

----

I've also been playing so much Elder Scrolls Online. In the past two weeks I've played 84 hrs. In total I've played 1,245 hrs. Like I love this game. It's my all time favorite MMO. 

It's also pretty epic in my eyes that Lyris Titanborn is voiced by Jennifer Hale aka FemShep of Mass Effect! 

This is my guy from ESO

I am Depressed

 

I am depressed. No denying that. I miss many beings of my past. My mom, my dog and cat (both had to be put down over the past coupe years because they had cancer and were in pain// Dog was struggling with walking while the Cat was struggling with eating normally), I also miss my best friend. And I am semi-sorry for reiterating that fact but I really do miss her....I have only one game that I play with a couple new friends Ive made. But I want to play other games but I have no one to play with (Like Elder Scrolls Online, Mass Effect 3/Andromeda Multiplayer, World of Warcraft, Overwatch, Heroes of the Storm, and so on and so forth). But I am terrible at making new friends, I try to make long lasting friends but they never seem to stay... I want to make long lasting friends I can talk to when I am not gaming and such. If you read my blog and play the games I mention, don't hesitate to comment that you'd like someone chill to play with...

...

Cynder Hauster // Ayano // Rumjugs // Whatever you wanna be called, please please please, tell me why you left my life. Tell me why even if it is or isnt my fault. I miss talking to you and gaming with you and Ghost and Noobicus.... I wont use your real name but rather your online handles.......You know who you are....

I am so sorry, please just know how sorry I am!!

Life Pondering

In my current life situation, I spend my days pondering life, gaming, reading, etc. I've been thinking about my mom a lot which is a very painful thing for me to do. I've also been thinking about my [ex] Best Friend though I wish she was still my best friend. 

I've also been thinking about stupid shit I did as a kid. I did really annoying, stupid things that I regret doing/realize why people treated me a certain way. I wasn't a full on bully per say but I would tease and annoy my friends. I am sorry to most of the friends I've pushed away and such. One I am not sorry towards because she decided to blackmail me when I came out to her as bisexual at the time...I've said stupid things, thinking it was okay but realizing now it wasn't. So I am sorry about that.

....

I am feeling really depressed and such right now... :/

The Bear Gif has Nothing to Do with the Post

Over the past couple years I have been in an internal crossroad. I have always been identified as a female with my given feminine name. But for the past couple years (maybe more) I've tried identifying as a male with a masculine name. And I must say its been quite enlightening. I enjoy being called my masculine name with male pronouns (He/Him). Here is the internal dilemma now. I am actually seeing a gender therapist/doctor about these things. And I'm internally debating if I want to get hormones aka get shots of testosterone. There are some Pros and Cons, obviously, to the shots of testosterone. And some of the Cons I really don't like. So I, as myself, am trying to figure out if the Pros out weigh the Cons, like if I really want to commit to the gender changes or just be me how I am now... But Me right now feels kind of meh. I will say I am 5ft exactly so I am already short as fuck but there is nothing I can do about that.

Overwatch Play that Made My Day (I was Zarya)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYbnHqpxWnI

^^Link to another Zarya Play that was a bit more Epic^^

Awesome Female Streamers (Most I've Watched Before)

Not in any particular order

Femsteph

Renee

Charalanahzard

AnneMunition

HayliNic

Better Updates since 2019 (Look at previous post about [Much] sadder updates)

My memory is a bit off so I apologize if I, uh, forget to mention somethings.

Let's go through the past year about things that happened in my life that made me feel happy/good/better!

• I read 2 of 4 Mass Effect Trilogy Series books
  
• I am counting the 4th book despite the reviews I have heard. The books so far have been really amazing. I like learning the background to important but non-playable characters in the Mass Effect Universe. After I finish the Trilogy books, I am going to read the three books that came out for Andromeda
• (Recently) I am currently working on learning Japanese.
  
• I am a big fan of Japanese things (Food, Anime, Mangas, Fashion, etc). And I wanted to do something interesting with a minor challenge during these trying times.
• I moved into an apartment and finally opened up to cooking meals, rather than takeout/tv dinners
• When I first moved in I hated my stove. Its electric and I grew up with a gas stove and was used to that. Im glad I opened up because I love to cook and stuff. And I've opened up my palette to new things like Tofu and Fish.
• A Family opened up to me and I go over to their place for dinner once every now and then.
• They are really nice and caring. We are very careful in these times so dont worry!
• I've gotten some new games and replaying some old games, which make me happy!
• I am really HOPING for a mass effect trilogy remaster...

It's been more than year since last post and some big things have happened

 So, I'd like to formally apologize to those who come and look at my blog, whether it be for the awesome gifs/images I find or my opinions on things. It's been...Its been a doozy of a time since the last post (Jan 8th 2019).

A big, life changing death happened in my family. My mother suffereed from cancer for a long time of her life. She passed away on Feb 11th at around 9:30pm. After her death, throughout the year I had to spend time for along time doing legal things and moving and trying to better my mood. I was in a deep depression. Im still depressed but it really varies day to day.

Then in December of 2019, My best friend decided to block me out of her life for unknown reasons known to me. You know who you are. If you are reading this, I am truly sorry for being selfish and inconsiderate of the possible situatiions you were in and I am sorry was annoying.

Since I am doing a bit better since last year, I am going to go try and post her more often. More so opinions rather than gifs/images. if you wanna watch me stream check me out at 

https://www.twitch.tv/pathfindermomo

But I promise to post here more often!