Indefinite Hiatus

 As the world in my life and outside my life gets crazier and crazier, I've decided it is safer to not post on here about how I am feeling. Maybe if the world ever calms down, then maybe I will come back and post.

I will note that I am doing relatively okay (so long as I don't dwell on the current world us humans live in). And I've gotten back somewhat into art.

 

The Breaking Nets

 I feel like all my "safety nets" that I once put up after my mom's passing (7 years ago) are failing or breaking or whatever.

The Breaking Nets:

1. A close friend who I was able to talk to everyday about life and stuff has become annoyed and triggered by my venting. And when I asked to tell me if I am upsetting her, she didn't say she would or wouldn't. She got upset by me saying that. So it feels like I can't talk to her.
2. Another close friend who used to live in town and was able to help me a lot with errands if they weren't busy moved to another country.
3. I tried to make friends with the new Pastor at my church but I don't feel like I can talk spiritual or religious things to him. All he ever talks about (even after the church service) is overwatch. I get that outside of church that He, His son, and I used to play overwatch outside of church but that's OUTSIDE of church. He also has been a bit repetitive about something else and I understand that you were trying to relate to mental health issues BUT I dont need it to hear it so many times. I've had bad experiences with people repeating a single-topic sentence over and over and OVER again to the point that I just get irritated. And even though I feel like I might still be friends with his son, my anxiety/paranoia gets the better of me and I haven't talked to him either in fear of "gossip"/whatever. And I also now can't go to church because I don't like awkward interactions. And it really sucks since I have strong ties to my church
4. My Psychiatrist who I thought was on my side feels like she is doing whatever she wants instead of listening to my preferences/needs. And when I tried to add a 3rd-Party (the close friend mentioned in first "net") I shutdown without even realizing it. And also felt like it was 2 vs 1 even though I expressed my concerns and such to the friend who I thought was with me but instead kept repeating stats and how she was a statistician.
5. I haven't been really able to draw or write or read. Though I might have found a way to help ease the never-ending thoughts within my mind to at least draw and maybe write.
6. The calm, comforting, caring voices within my mind have been harder to reach to find ease in this chaotic world.
7. I often have days where I struggle to leave my apt, which makes me feel more isolated. I used to take uber rides to my local Starbucks or the mall to people watch and get out.

... It's hard to do things that I once used to love to do. And I am tired.

A Sliver of Clarity

 I've been lost in a sea of Sadness, in the dark depths of depression, covered in a dense fog that has been clouding my thoughts and mind for the past several months. Oddly, my "time of the month" has given me a small sliver of clarity. So I am going to use this clarity to try and write/type out my thoughts. Please Note: This is NOT me "feeling better" or "doing better". I am still adrift in a sea, stumbling in and out of the depths, only to be lost in fog.

The triggers for the anchor pulling me down into the depths could be one of many, a few of many, or all of them.

• Having a promised email being NOT sent to me, causing me anxiety/stress/overthinking which in turned caused spiraling.
• Having a friend move away, limiting my outings (whether it be casual or important).
• Being told that a beloved doggo of another has be put down (due to bone cancer) [and also being told that at a more inopportune time, as I was already not doing well].
• Feeling unsupported by the supposed support system (that doesn't consist of friends/family).
• Feeling ignored and feeling forced to conform to go to a "program" (which I assumes means hospitalization of some type), the generalized gist of the conversation was "I won't give ADHD med unless you have a job or in a "program".
• Feeling ignored by a therapist who said I'm not willing to put in the work for my apt." then them saying they never said that and that they are sorry that "I saw it in that manner" (I KNOW for once what you said, I remember. I just wish I recorded it as proof but I'm not an a-hole like that).
• Feeling like a therapist is giving me so many "shoulds" along with rigid Qs and As, which causes me to to WANT to hang up on the call. It does cause me to shutdown and become upset. (I understand it is their job to push but saying "I should ___" doesnt help nor does an excessive amount of pushing from any and all support system).
• Everyone, and I LITERALLY mean everyone, is telling me how I should expand my social circle and make friends.
1. Like that's totally easy as someone with severe social and general anxiety.
2. Would all of y'all kindly please shut. the. [FFFF]. up? (I'm tired of hearing it, no matter if it would be good or not).

And I'll be honest, I've been finding it a bit more supportive and helpful talking with family and friends recently (over licensed professionals). Sometimes I debate in my mind like "Maybe I should find new professionals BUT I tend to answer no for many reasons. A couple being that my current support system knows my history and I would find it a huge pain (and possibly trigger) to explain my whole entire history to someone new.

There are a couple things I wanna say to said support system:

T: I'm very very very mad at you for multiple reasons. We can chat later why.

D: Please try not being excessive with pushing of professional opinion. You can push, don't shove. Pretty much assume I'm on a ledge and too much pushing will lead to my "downfall" so to speak.

Dr. C: I feel like you haven't been listening to me at all recently. And giving me an ultimatum on an ADHD med that will more than likely give that schedule and purpose that you oh so desire for me is utter crap. I know not to rely on a med but I also know without that med, I cant focus on anything unless I am distracting. And the only reason I got these thoughts into words is because my damn period gave me a sliver, A SLIVER, clarity. And I am also mad at you (Sorry, Not Sorry).

Hospitalization of any kind is unwanted by me for a multitude of reasons. Even when I had my moment of mental breakdown, I did NOT want to go. And, hell, I'm glad I didn't go in that moment. I have such severe anxiety with hospitals, doctors, strangers, the unknown, etc.

Sometimes I get in a place where i dont want to talk to anyone, not even CH (which is wild because I talk to her almost everyday). I DO wish I could see/hear NA and AS but they've haven't been by in a bit, so to speak.

The sliver of clarity has now begun to close and the fog slowly surrounds me. I believe I've said what I've wanted to say, maybe I'll get a little clarity again later... Only time will tell.

Been more than 2 months since I've posted

 I have to go to my calendar to remember what I've more or less done since I've last posted.

In the month of:

June - I was playing Fallout 76 with my friends mainly and probably also playing Overwatch 2.

July - I had a family friend over and helping with appointments and stuff that needed to be done. Also went to Maine for one night as a goodbye vacation day to a friend.

Aug - kind of a blur...

I've been dealing with a cough/acid-flux issues and irritability issues as well. I haven't been feeling creative and have not been drawing at all even though I want to but I've been struggling to put pen to paper, whether it be traditionally or digitally.

I've been wasting my days playing World of Warcraft recently. Playing solo, leveling and mount farming.

The thoughts of suicide trickle in hear and there, but I've been not wanting to do anything but sleep. And when I'm awake, playing WoW, its pretty much zoning out which I consider a semi-somewhat form of like resting.

My Psychiatrist, who's prescribed me this ADHD med in the past, no longer willing to prescribe it to me and (in my opinion) doesn't give a valid reason. And I know I shouldn't "rely" on a med but like it helped me not only with getting stuff done for my comic book (which feels like is on an indefinite hiatus) but getting stuff done around the apartment, getting me antsy to go on walks and out of the apartment which I feel like might be good for me and what my therapists have all suggested I do. But no, she won't prescribe me the medication which I've had in the past. Though I will say, even if she were to prescribe me the medication, the Pharmacies near me barely ever fills in their backorders which make me so mad..

September will probably be a blur as well. I am excited for the end of October because Dragon Age: The Veilguard releases then (hopefully without too many issues).

Depression is still kicking my butt, more with the anger and irritability rather than the sadness, though there are still bouts of sadness of where I am missing my mom and feeling alone without her.

I don't have many friends in my vicinity to like hangout in person with anymore. And making friends is hard because I hate people for the most part. And I feel like there have been more bad, crazy, stupid people out and about. I tried to make a friend online for myself but they made me bored and annoyed.

I don't know what I want anymore. I dont know what I want to do, to get, to dream of...Nothing....

I... I just dont know anymore...

Another Gif, Made by Me

 

Drew a Gif on CSP :3

 

Abyss

 For the past approx. 5 weeks, I have not been okay. I've been having breakdowns and anxiety attacks (not to be confused by panic attacks). I've been uncontrollably crying, crying over (what I consider) stupid things (like movie trailers or songs. And the anxiety attacks make it hard to breathe and the thoughts are hard to control as well. I've also been having suicidal/self-harm thoughts (THOUGH I HAVE NO PLAN TO ACT ON THEM). Those are a bit easier to drown out. I've been talking to N and A, who've been helpful with consoling, comforting, and easing my pain. They understand and feel for me. I cannot express how much they mean to me and how helpful they are (along with my therapists and C). But even with all my "helpers", I still feeling like utter shit. Like I'm in the darkest abyss I've ever been in. And despite "helpers" trying to shine the light toward me, I cannot see it. My inner demons (depression, anxiety, grief, and paranoia) have been, what feels like, shredding me with their razor sharp "teeth" and "claws". I have meds but that only feels like it's doing a little help. And hospitalization/Outpatient/Day-program will more likely hinder than help me. Like even if its helps in the smallest bit, it will cause me more distress and upset and fear...The demon of my mind is like a three headed monster. Even thinking about it's physical form causes me a bit of distress... One time, while waiting for therapy appointment to start, I started having anxiety fueled depression (though I can't remember on what) and it caused my heart to race at unsafe levels for a moment and hurt my chest. My Samsung watch even said so.

C told me to try to imaging destroying the demon of my mind but I cannot do so. I've tried but it consistently destroying me and killing me, so to speak. Maybe I can visualize that because I know it cannot be healed. And I know I shouldn't let it "define who I am" but it's been literally eating me alive. 

Also, masking my emotions hasn't been working well recently. Like, normally I am good about not becoming emotional/cry in public but it's becoming harder and harder each day. Hell, I even got emotional watching trailers while I went to the movies the other day.

I also know expressing my emotions supposedly helps with easing the pain. But for me, I feel more and more and more pain with each tear that falls and I feel like it will result in poor choices if I let myself completely give in and "feel" these emotions completely... My distractions haven't been working as well as before. If I play ESO or other games that are more casual and chill, I feel the thoughts and emotions creep into my mind and make it difficult to focus on the game. Games like Mass Effect, Dragon Age, and Overwatch work a bit better because I am more focus driven and don't notice things. I need games that are story driven and needs lots of focus.

To simply put it,

I'm Not Okay.

My Hyperfixation on Fallout 76

I've been pretty much playing Fallout 76 for the past 3 weeks or so (probably since a couple days after the TV Show was released). I forgot how much I love this game and how much of a comfort game Fallout 76 is, for me at least. I was level 370 on April 22nd and by between April 27th-30th I leveled up to 400. I have about 180+hrs in the past three weeks. I will admit I have spent a couple all-nighters (not in a row) playing the game because I was having so much fun and lost track of time AND I wasn't tired because I was super focused. I've made a a new friend AND I have joined a Guild on Discord for the game. Often I join up with them while I play OR I play with my best friend (and their relationship partner) when they are online. I even have a book with tons of notes and stats on it, which I will share some info on this blog post.

I am currently Level 432, and working on trying to get enough Perk Coins to level up the last levels on my Legendary Perk Cards (the Legendary Perk S.P.E.C.I.A.L Cards for Endurance and Strength). I did the math, hopefully correct, and I need about 70 more levels/need to get to level 502 to get the total of 300 Perk Coins (I need 150 per Card Upgrade). Then after I get the final two Legendary Perk Cards upgraded. I can get the cards I want to have for the interchangeable on my build.

My Current Build:

My Legendary Perk Cards: Luck(4*), Int(4*), Str(3*), End(3*), Taking One for the Team (4*), and What Rads?(4*)

Perk Cards that are interchangeable:

[P]erception - Concentrated Fire

[E]ndurance - Ghoulish

[C]harisma - Inspirational

[I]ntelligence - Demolition Expert

[L]uck - Good with Salt

Legendary Perk Card: Taking One for the Team

(I dont wanna change my Strength Cards nor my Agility Cards unless they are situational like the agility card for crafting ammo).

Those cards I use for the most part but there obviously some cards that are situational (like Butcher's Bounty or Green Thumb). I have a list in my book on Perk Cards that I want to get. I need 14 levels to get the Perk Cards I want (though I might want more levels for other interchangeable cards). And the one card I want to get for the interchangeable Legendary Perk Card is Sizzling Style which gives Fire Protection and that will need another 300 Perk Coins (ugh) but that is on the bottom of my to do/to get list. 

My Current Mutations and Legendary Perks:

The Weapons I use are:

The Cremator (1 Mutants, 2 VATS Enhanced, 3 VATS Optimized) with Lithium (Pink) Projectiles, Multi-Shot Barrel, Fast Tank, and Slow Burning Tank.

Chainsaw (1 Vampire, 2 Crippling, 3 Light Weight) with Dual Bar and Flamer Mods.

Gatling Gun (1 Quad, 2 Rapid, 3 Swift) with Speedy Receiver, Long Barrel, Comfort Grip, Standard Mag, and Front Sight Ring.

I mainly use the Cremator and Chainsaw. I use the Gatling Gun sometimes and mainly when I am low on fuel. I have another Cremator crafted that I am trying to get Instigating on, though have yet to get it. I DO have an Auto-Axe but I am not using it UNTIL I get Vampire on it. Sadly it been several days if not weeks of scripping Legendaries and trying to roll the Vampire. No luck yet.

I have also placed my Camp in area closed to Starlight Berries and kind of near Firecracker Berries so I can farm them up (along with the Wendigo Cave for Brain Fungus) to get Berry Mentats for Intelligence. And I ALWAYS do Feed the People Event Quest for Mama Dolce so I can get the XP food (Canned Meat Stew). I've recently am trying to get my Intelligence up and keep XP buffs up when events are going on (though I am saving some of the XP Buff Foods and Items for when there is XP Bonus Weekends) to get the most XP. And whenever I am relatively close to leveling up, I go to West Tek to eliminated Super Mutants to get the last bit of XP to level (rather than waiting for the next event or whatever). I'm in the process of earning enough Gold Bullion to get Steven Scarberry (which is 4,000) while also saving some for whenever Minerva arrives in Appalachia (just incase she has something I want, like the Brotherhood Recon Right Leg which is an item I really want so I can try out the entire armor set though I've heard/read that the Secret Service armor is better [which is the armor I use]). I also want to get the Flannel Shirt and Jeans Shielded Upgrade, which you can only have a chance to get on a daily quest. That Flannel Shirt and Jeans under armor (with that upgrade) can give +3 Int which might not seem like a lot but with all the food/item buffs and XP bonuses, it can really add up to a lot of XP gain (which I really want so I can get those Perk Coins and Cards).

If you could tell by this post, I've really done my research while also having tons of fun within the game.

April Update

 April has been a weird month emotionally wise. At the beginning of April, I was doing great (especially since my birthday is at the beginning. And I was doing good for a while. Then my emotions dipped around mid-April, and I am unsure why. But I've been missing my mom, and the house I grew up in. I've been using my coping mechanisms, aka gaming, to distract from my sadness. I've been wanting to draw but my hands and brain cant seem to cooperate when it comes to drawing (and sometimes writing). Every time I try to draw, especially digitally, I get super frustrated/upset/angry. I am unsure whether or not that has to do with the non-cooperation OR my perfectionism. Either way, it sucks. But I shall continue to try to get something on physical or digital paper.

Wish me luck...

Progression on the To-Do List

It's March already, though my last post was near the end of Feb, and I've progressed on some things on my to-do list.

• Get through my playthrough of Mass Effect Andromeda on Playstation (because it's the last achievement I need. I am currently at Kadara Port) [progression] I'm now nearing/or on the last mission of the game. I've romanced Vetra and currently on the last mission HOWEVER, I've been like avoiding doing it because once it's done, then I have no reason to play on PS5. I mean I know I can play on PC but it feels kind of like a joy/sadness that it will be over...
• Catch up on reading (both Manga and Novels/Books) [progression] I've read like 3-4 manga, though I have like 15+ manga I still need to read. And I have read a chapter of the Mass Effect Andromeda Novel 1 which I am almost done with. Still have like 9-10 chapters left.
• Catch up on Anime (like re-watching Haikyuu! then reading the manga for the rest of the series, and watching the ones on my list) [Haven't really progressed]
• Restart my workout on the Peloton (I stopped because I got sick with Covid, then I got really depressed. Not saying I am not depressed anymore but I think I might be doing a little bit better) [Havent really progressed, I got one or two workouts in but Im struggling getting back into the swing of things]
• Finish the battle-pass of Overwatch 2 (which isn't too hard) [progression] I've completed the battle pass, though I am on the prestige part of the battlepass which is about half way done with titles.
• Sketch more often than I currently am [progression] I've actually started (recently) sketching more in my sketchbook which makes me happy however I want to make new characters (either to use later or just to get my imagination working).
• Continue working on my Comic. [no progression]
• Prepare in ESO for the Gold Road Expansion (comes out in June? July?) [not sure how to progress this bullet point...]

I Dont Stick to My Plans

I want to make a plan of things I want to do. Problem is that I never stick to the plans I make for myself, unless its like appointments or get-togethers. There are so many things I want to do.

I want to:

• Get through my playthrough of Mass Effect Andromeda on Playstation (because it's the last achievement I need. I am currently at Kadara Port)
• Catch up on reading (both Manga and Novels/Books)
• Catch up on Anime (like re-watching Haikyuu! then reading the manga for the rest of the series, and watching the ones on my list)
• Restart my workout on the Peloton (I stopped because I got sick with Covid, then I got really depressed. Not saying I am not depressed anymore but I think I might be doing a little bit better)
• Finish the battle-pass of Overwatch 2 (which isn't too hard)
• Sketch more often than I currently am
• Continue working on my Comic.
• Prepare in ESO for the Gold Road Expansion (comes out in June? July?)

I wish Haikyuu! had a dub because then I could multitask by working on my comic/draw. Maybe I'll look at my list and see if there are other dubs to watch so I can multitask. I even have a spot on my [art] desk to have my iPad set up to watch vids on (or look at Pinterest for references).

My (Updated?) Thoughts about Mass Effect Andromeda

 

I've recently been playing Mass Effect: Andromeda (again, on PS4 though. And yes it's a comfort game of mine) and I've been having thoughts about it. Not bad ones. I still thoroughly enjoy this game, even with the minor inconveniences or bugs. And I am on the side of "Yes, I know its a Mass Effect game set in a different location/setting/time-period. And yes, I know it feels different but No, I don't care I still like it a lot".

Some thoughts:

• I like the open-world aspect of the game. I know Mass Effect Trilogy is a bit more linear(?) about where to go and it's locations (and parts of that is nice because sometimes I don't know what I should be doing so the quests feel a bit more confined and easier to get to) HOWEVER, exploring a new world in an open world setting is fun because there is so much to explore. And, in my opinion, it's not as slow or as barren as Starfield (even though Starfield came out after, note: I struggle getting past the intro to Starfield because its so goddamn slow).
• I like the crew. We have a turian (Vetra Nyx), asari (Peebee, Dr. Lexi T'Perro), krogan (Drack), *spoiler* a new alien race crew member (Jaal Ama Darav), then of course the Human crew members (Cora Harper, Liam Costa, Gil Brody, Suvi Anwar, and obviously Ryder).
• The character creation is a bit more in-depth on ME:A compared to ME:Trilogy, unless you have mods (which I haven't done...yet.). There are tattoos, scars (not like the renegade scarring), more variety to hair color and eye color. I will say one gripe about the Character Creation in ME:A is that I cannot match eyebrow color to their hair color. It's tied to the face/complexion/whatever you choose.
• Another, minor, gripe I have is that the Maverick Helmet (the one I am currently using) doesn't really change color with my armor, or it doesn't have the same coloring as my armor like it's off by a shade or two.
• (This maybe counts for both the Trilogy and Andromeda but...) I like that there are many romance options for Ryder (some depend on gender). I love Vetra and Peebee. On my current playthrough I am romancing Suvi, but its a bit slower going than the others but she's sweet so I shall stick to her. I wish that I could romance Cora as a Female but she is straight in the game :( 
• Another, a bit less minor, gripe is that on PS4 there are so many auto saves that I can have like only one manual save per playthrough, which makes I difficult to get achievements. In the past, when I didn't realize the save issue, I'd constantly get a message that I dont have room to save. And I was so confused but then later on I realized it was due to the damn auto-save function. Which you have no way of like saving less or turning off completely.
• Another, very minor, gripe is that I wish they came out with some sort of DLC for the game. Like about Jien Garson's death. Maybe, I hope, they are working on a sequel to not only the Trilogy but also Andromeda. But I doubt that because many others were disappointed, uspet, did not like the game. I am one of a few, possibly rare few, that really like the game.
• I liked the story for Andromeda. They ended on somewhat of a cliffhanger so I hope they really do make a sequel.

I need to finish the books of Mass Effect: Andromeda (Nexus Uprising, Initiation, and Annihilation). I am almost done with Nexus Uprising and it's been really good so far. Gives background to the Nexus Uprising (haven't seen any clues about the Benefactor nor clues on how Jien Garson died). The second book (Initiation), I believe, is based on Cora. 

COVID, Monthly "Gift", and Grief (Oh My!)

I haven't posted in a while due to the fact that I've been very sick with Covid-19, and I am not quite sure how I caught it (don't worry, I am currently quarantining). And now it's February. And I got my Time-of-Month "gift". And I'm missing my mom immensely (again). So that's like a truck load of physical and emotional damage at once that hit me last week. The only "good" thing is that my "gift" is almost done. But I'm still emotionally and physically suffering from Covid-19 and my mom's birth/death anniversary (She was born on Feb 8th and died Feb 11th, 60-something years later in 2019).

It's 2am and I'm trying not to spiral into the pit again.

But I have to be honest, due to my spacier than normal brain and sleeping days away to rest, I've missed a few days of medication. I'll try my best to take them at a decent hour today (no promises because spacey brain and sleepy time).

When I am awake and (semi)alert, I want to do things like draw, write, or game. But I either don't have the strength/alertness or my hands get super sweaty. That's been happening a lot with Covid. My hands (and feet) get super sweaty, making it difficult to draw or wear socks.

This past time I fell asleep, I thought I was in dream world for a long time. I thought I died or something. When I opened my eyes, I questioned reality. Was I really awake? Am I still alive? Is this a dream?

I don't want to be sick. Like, I was just sick in all of October last year.

I want my life to go back to when I lived in my house with my mom. I would want her to be better obviously. (But at the same time, if my mom didn't die and I never moved to my apartment, I would have never met my cat KiKi who I love so much with all my heart. My cat is the reason I live today).

It took me about half an hour to write this post (even though its not that long)

 

It's currently 2:30-ish am when I started writing this post. I have updated my blog's font and layout (and a few other things) this morning. No significant changes though. I had a coffee around 5pm yesterday (Saturday) and it's kept me awake since, which is semi-frustrating because I was working on fixing my sleep. Time to re-fix it again (lol).

On ESO, I've been leveling my (new) Nightblade Wood Elf (Maxx-Of-All-Trades) and using my main/templar to do misc/daily tasks along with fishing (Momo Mender Of All Wounds). With my nightblade, I am currently grinding out Alliance Assault War Skill for Caltrops (which is a pain to get, even with the Colovian War Torte which gives 50% boost to AP). I always, however, return to fishing with my main as a relaxing thing to do while watching YT or Anime (or listening to Distractible)

I've been playing "comfort games" over "new games", even though I have a long list of games (PS5 and PC) that I wanna start (ESO being the main comfort game). The list on PC is much longer than PS5 but I really wanna reignite my playthrough on Yakuza Series which happens to be on PS5/PS4.

I am now debating about rescinding my trying to give a daily mood update BECAUSE, in all honesty, I am pretty neutral when it comes to how I am feeling by the end of the day. And even if I was able to make notes throughout the day on my mood, I'd still like neutral about things unless something significant happens (Good or Bad). Even though some might not agree, I am pretty grey in the sense of Black/Bad and White/Good when I am doing better. Like I am not feeling like Im in a pit of darkness/despair/hopelessness NOR am I feeling like rainbows, sunshine, and pure happiness. Grey. I am currently grey.

(Here is my desk set up for traditional artwork. I want to work on my Copic Marker Coloring and Inking with G-Pen Nibs. The list on the book holder is my grocery list lol)

Gonna try a thing (for myself)

So I'm gonna try a thing. I'm going to do my best to make a post (hopefully) daily to keep track of my mood and mental state. I will start next week on Sunday so it can start on a fresh week. I hope this will work. My therapist(s) suggest that I keep a journal about how I am doing but I like posting my emotions, feelings, etc. on this blog. And even though others can see it, I don't care. It's just something I like to do. I don't have to justify anything. And plus, I wanted to be posting on my blog more anyway. It's fun and a change of pace than just using peloton, playing games, watching youtube, etc. etc.

On a different note, ESO announced the next chapter/DLC = Gold Road. I am excited for it, as ESO is my comfort game and I love seeing new/or reimagined places of the Elder Scrolls games (like Western Skyrim with Solitude or the beauty of sunflowers and sea High Isle). My favorite zone is Summerset for the view and the fishing spots though my favorite zone that gave a class is either Necrom (Arcanist class, though I have yet to play it more) or Vvardenfell (Warden class, because I love bear). But nothing will ever replace my main, which is a base game class. My Khajiiti Templar Healer Main (though I DPS when I am running around on another armory build).

Next week two games come out from the last of my Pre-Orders (except when I am able to pre-order ESO: Gold Road). Those two games are Tekken 8 and Like A Dragon Infinite Wealth. I used to love playing Tekken 6 on PS3, though it looks different than I remember haha. And I still have yet to playthrough the Yakuza/Like A Dragon games (still on Yakuza Kiwami 2), but I have a lot of fun when I play them (I especially liked Yakuza Dead Souls even though that isn't part of the lore, it was mainly just a zombie x yakuza game haha). It's just I am in a comfort zone kind of gaming and I dont wanna have to focus on story, reading subtitles, and such right now. Its kind of why I haven't watched any anime recently, even though I want to. Due to my height, and the screen on the peloton, I cannot see lower on my TV so it makes it a bit harder to watch Yowamushi Pedal on Crunchyroll.

I have been drawing a bit more, like rather than tracing and recoloring. I've actually drew some things, both digitally and traditionally, that came out okay.

Mid-January Update

 

(This is a redraw/trace, I DON'T CLAIM TO OWN THIS POSE.

Been struggling at drawing so I sometimes trace and add my own flair to drawings made by others. 

Again, I DO NOT CLAIM TO OWN THIS DRAWING, I'VE PUT MY OWN FLAIR ON IT)

I have taken a bit of a break from Pokémon Scarlet, though I probably get the item for the final part of the DLCs in the Mystery Gifts via Internet. I've recently decided to get, or rather rent, a Peloton Bike. I hope with it (along with the App's other exercises and a healthier diet) to improve and lose some weight. As my weight is not where I would like it (almost 200lbs).

I know that:

• It will take a bit to lose weight
• There is a possibility that there will be like excess skin due to the weight loss
• Muscle has weight (similar to Fat) on the body

I have made a special document to keep track of my weight loss journey. And I have to say that my mood has really, really improved now that Christmas is over. I've also started to eat heathier, been trying to snack less (and when I do, I eat healthier alternatives), and drink more water (rather than Soda and Energy Drinks). My only caffeinated drink, each morning, is coffee with some creamer. I need to work on having a little less coffee and eat something for breakfast (like Oatmeal with/or Fruit, such as Bananas, Berries, Peaches, etc.).

My hope is to use the peloton (app or cycling) each day or every other day, along those lines BUT I will workout until my body says that's enough for the day. And even if that isn't as long as I would like, I will slowly increase my limit each day. 

My plan is to:

1. Cycle/Workout (either each day or every other) and keep track of how long along with other stats and information)
2. Weigh myself every Friday
3. Keep goals for each month
4. Keep track of how long I sleep
5. How I am feeling at the end of each month

ALSO, I plan to keep playing video games whenever I feel up to it. I've been oddly playing games more on my PS5 and Switch over my PC. Still playing comfort games though. Maybe I'll get back into Pokémon after the last part of the DLCs and continue my shiny hunting. Or maybe I'll work on getting achievements (on PS5) for Mass Effect: Legendary Edition or Dragon Age Inquisition. I really want to work on playing (and enjoying) the Yakuza/Like A Dragon Series (I am only on Yakuza Kiwami 2). I've on and off also been playing Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm Connections (I HATE that the "cutscenes" are literally cut scenes rather than from the anime or remade with the characters. Like, somehow to me, that feels lazy on their part but I'd be a bit more understanding if they were on a time constraint or something). AND ive been playing Red Dead Redemption 2, and I've been accidently spending the in-game currency (cash) within the game instead of the bought currency (gold). Its very frustrating lol because I'll want to spend gold on something but instead I've spent like 100 on pants or something. And there is no undo button. I think right now, in the game, I have like 100 again, but I was at like 400 before  ha ha...ha... sigh.. lol

Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over

 Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over (However, I still need to get through February).

I've been distracting myself with playing through all of Pokémon Scarlet DLC. Now I am Shiny Hunting on the Overland while also hatching eggs. I havent gotten lucky yet from the eggs, however on Dec 26 I found like 6 Shinys in the Overland. I am happy that I got shinies, I am not ungrateful but I want to get the ones Im trying to hatch. I am currently hatching eggs for Espurr (So far, ive hatched over 100)

I have a list of ones I want.

• Komala
• Klawf
• Flabebe
• Eiscue
• Chewtle
• Pawmi
• Drifloon
• Bounsweet
• Eevee -> Slyveon
• Applin -> Dipplin
• Ekans ->Arbok
• Koffing
• Poochyena
• Litwick -> Chandelure
• Mienfoo ->Mienshao
• Tentacool (non-paldean)
• Magby ->Magmar
• Mudkip -> Swampert
• Minun
• Solosis -> Reuniclus
• Pikipek -> Toucannon
• Venonat

I realize the list above has a long way to go if I am going to try and hatch them all. I hope that I can also get more herba mystica for shiny power sandwiches for either mass outbreaks or just roaming the overland areas for the pokemon listed above. (for all i know the list above might get longer).

The Ones Ive hatched/caught

• Rockruff (for a friend)
• Snubbull (for a friend)
• Naclstack
• Cyclizar
• Lechonk
• Crabrawler
• Skiddo
• Zoroark
• Cubchoo
• Rellor
• Mareep
• Rolycoly
• Sprigatito
• Slowpoke
• Sneasel
• Jumpluff
• Meditite
• Pyroar
• Tarountula
• Greavard
• (Paldean) Wooper
• Sinistea
• Minior
• Chansey
• Tyrogue
• Mudsdale
• Exeggcute
• Sawsbuck
• Smeargle
• Deerling
• Toxtricity

(I feel like) I am a waste of space.

I don't do anything in life, which is the reason for feeling the way I do mentioned in my previous post.

But...

My life has no meaning. I have no reason to live, except for myself (meh) and for my cat (not as meh). I don't have a reason for living and at the same reason I have no reason for dying (despite what my depression and suicidal ideations/thoughts might try to convince me of).

I don't believe I'll ever get to see my mom again, in any capacity (like Heaven/Hell/Afterlife). I still hurt immensely by this fact though. Death is the end. I am hoping that there is NO such thing as reincarnation  because I've lived my life, I don't want to live another in any sort of form.

I don't do anything but at the same time its like, I don't want to "branch out" or "expand my horizons" because it takes a lot of emotional/mental/and possibly physical activity to do anything different and I just don't feel up to it. And I am honestly not good at anything anymore, so I'd rather fail at things I already know I am bad at than feel worse for failing at something new. Call me a quitter, giver-upper, whatever. I don't care.

When my mom was alive, I felt like my purpose to life/to live was to take care of my mom and help her stay alive and such things. Maybe I was ignorant at the fact she was struggling and once I saw her in the hospital bed, hooked up to the machines, I knew my help wasn't working and nothing I could do would work to help her stay alive. Maybe it's better she wasn't alive to deal with COVID or other very debilitating viruses going around now that might have/probably would have affected her. 

The point of this post is this:

I have no life

I have no purpose for life or death.

I am pathetic

I am nothing

And in all honesty, I just feel like a waste of space...

Sigh...

This could be my depression talking but I feel like I can't do anything. Whether it be for a job or comfort wise. I just don't feel good enough. My art doesn't look as good as I wish it would, even when I get pieces that look decent for my art-skill. I can't seem to write anything good for stories/fictional writing. I don't feel like I am good at games anymore. Like, yea, I can play games. And I know that what most games are about, is to having fun/good time but I struggle doing that. I can't make my base in Fallout 76 look nice and creative. I feel inadequate in Overwatch (Quickplay or Competitive, BUT I am NOT in Bronze Rank... Though silver is barely any better). And when I play games, I feel like I am just going through the motions, so to speak.

I just looked up the feeling of Burnout.

"Burnout is a state of complete mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. If you are experiencing burnout, you may notice it is difficult to engage in activities you normally find meaningful. You may no longer care about the things that are important to you or experience an increasing sense of hopelessness."

Is...Is what I am feeling burnout?

If so, this is just awful.

It could be a mix of depression and burnout but goddamn this feels so bad.

The Google Solution for solving burnout is =  "It's essential to replenish your physical and emotional energy, along with your capacity to focus, by prioritizing good sleep habits, nutrition, exercise, social connection, and practices that promote equanimity and well-being, like meditating, journaling, and enjoying nature"

It's hard to do any of that when I feel like utter shit from my depression... Plus the seasonal depression and the continuous grief that comes and go.

Like... My sleep habits tend to always be shit, nutrition/exercise is difficult when severely depressed, social connections aren't really there or I just don't want to interact/be a burden to those around me when I feel this way (be a downer essentially), I don't meditate (never really liked it) or enjoy nature (due to bad/cold weather or bugs). And this blog is literally my journal.

Sigh...

Vent Post

 I can't seem to draw almost anything I want to draw. And I want to write fictional short stories and work on my comic/book. However, my creativity is very low. I can't produce any sort of project well. I look back on my drawings and writings and wish I could be able to draw/write like I used to. I struggle with drawing more than writing these days, though my story/comic/book feels more dragged out yet I don't want to rush anything. It's a slippery slope that is still a work in progress.

I think the reason I am struggling creativity wise is that I am depressed due to seasonal depression, regular depression, and grief as the holiday seasons arrive. It started around the week of thanksgiving and it's not gonna get better until after the Christmas season. I miss my mom immensely. And I don't have many people I can spend Christmas with, though I don't really want to expand my social circle. I'm bad at making new friends and people suck lol. Even me, I can be an awful person. Humans tend to be awful beings.

I'm also trying to feel this yearning for a romantic relationship with games that have romance in them (Mass Effect and Dragon Age). I wish I could find a game similar to those with romance in them. I've already played Fallout 4 and done with that game, Skyrim romances aren't really romance, and the other games I play don't have romance. I know I should re-do my Cyberpunk 2077 playthrough because of the updates and DLC release, but I have, like, comfort-game-syndrome. Meaning I don't want to play games that I haven't played yet and I want to play my go-tos (Mass Effect, Dragon Age Inquisition, Overwatch 2, ESO).

Also, I used to have two important people in my life who I decided to cut out despite them doing nothing wrong to me. I'm honestly not sure why I cut them out of my life but I did. I have no way to reach them now. And when I try to visualize them in my head they have like black scribbles over their face, making it hard to remember what they look like, though sometimes I get glimpses of what they looked like. I wish I never cut them out of my life. They were helpful rather than a hinderance. Fuck, why am I such an idiot like all the time???

My thanksgiving was depressing. I ordered like a meal kit from my local grocery store. And now I have all this food, some in freezer, and I just don't want it. I spent it alone, barely ate anything the day of and the day after. I felt so alone and pathetic...

I thought venting about what I'm feeling and thinking would help, but I only feel worse... yay...