Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over

 Feeling A Bit Better Now that Christmas is Over (However, I still need to get through February).

I've been distracting myself with playing through all of Pokémon Scarlet DLC. Now I am Shiny Hunting on the Overland while also hatching eggs. I havent gotten lucky yet from the eggs, however on Dec 26 I found like 6 Shinys in the Overland. I am happy that I got shinies, I am not ungrateful but I want to get the ones Im trying to hatch. I am currently hatching eggs for Espurr (So far, ive hatched over 100)

I have a list of ones I want.

• Komala
• Klawf
• Flabebe
• Eiscue
• Chewtle
• Pawmi
• Drifloon
• Bounsweet
• Eevee -> Slyveon
• Applin -> Dipplin
• Ekans ->Arbok
• Koffing
• Poochyena
• Litwick -> Chandelure
• Mienfoo ->Mienshao
• Tentacool (non-paldean)
• Magby ->Magmar
• Mudkip -> Swampert
• Minun
• Solosis -> Reuniclus
• Pikipek -> Toucannon
• Venonat

I realize the list above has a long way to go if I am going to try and hatch them all. I hope that I can also get more herba mystica for shiny power sandwiches for either mass outbreaks or just roaming the overland areas for the pokemon listed above. (for all i know the list above might get longer).

The Ones Ive hatched/caught

• Rockruff (for a friend)
• Snubbull (for a friend)
• Naclstack
• Cyclizar
• Lechonk
• Crabrawler
• Skiddo
• Zoroark
• Cubchoo
• Rellor
• Mareep
• Rolycoly
• Sprigatito
• Slowpoke
• Sneasel
• Jumpluff
• Meditite
• Pyroar
• Tarountula
• Greavard
• (Paldean) Wooper
• Sinistea
• Minior
• Chansey
• Tyrogue
• Mudsdale
• Exeggcute
• Sawsbuck
• Smeargle
• Deerling
• Toxtricity

(I feel like) I am a waste of space.

I don't do anything in life, which is the reason for feeling the way I do mentioned in my previous post.

But...

My life has no meaning. I have no reason to live, except for myself (meh) and for my cat (not as meh). I don't have a reason for living and at the same reason I have no reason for dying (despite what my depression and suicidal ideations/thoughts might try to convince me of).

I don't believe I'll ever get to see my mom again, in any capacity (like Heaven/Hell/Afterlife). I still hurt immensely by this fact though. Death is the end. I am hoping that there is NO such thing as reincarnation  because I've lived my life, I don't want to live another in any sort of form.

I don't do anything but at the same time its like, I don't want to "branch out" or "expand my horizons" because it takes a lot of emotional/mental/and possibly physical activity to do anything different and I just don't feel up to it. And I am honestly not good at anything anymore, so I'd rather fail at things I already know I am bad at than feel worse for failing at something new. Call me a quitter, giver-upper, whatever. I don't care.

When my mom was alive, I felt like my purpose to life/to live was to take care of my mom and help her stay alive and such things. Maybe I was ignorant at the fact she was struggling and once I saw her in the hospital bed, hooked up to the machines, I knew my help wasn't working and nothing I could do would work to help her stay alive. Maybe it's better she wasn't alive to deal with COVID or other very debilitating viruses going around now that might have/probably would have affected her. 

The point of this post is this:

I have no life

I have no purpose for life or death.

I am pathetic

I am nothing

And in all honesty, I just feel like a waste of space...

Sigh...

This could be my depression talking but I feel like I can't do anything. Whether it be for a job or comfort wise. I just don't feel good enough. My art doesn't look as good as I wish it would, even when I get pieces that look decent for my art-skill. I can't seem to write anything good for stories/fictional writing. I don't feel like I am good at games anymore. Like, yea, I can play games. And I know that what most games are about, is to having fun/good time but I struggle doing that. I can't make my base in Fallout 76 look nice and creative. I feel inadequate in Overwatch (Quickplay or Competitive, BUT I am NOT in Bronze Rank... Though silver is barely any better). And when I play games, I feel like I am just going through the motions, so to speak.

I just looked up the feeling of Burnout.

"Burnout is a state of complete mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. If you are experiencing burnout, you may notice it is difficult to engage in activities you normally find meaningful. You may no longer care about the things that are important to you or experience an increasing sense of hopelessness."

Is...Is what I am feeling burnout?

If so, this is just awful.

It could be a mix of depression and burnout but goddamn this feels so bad.

The Google Solution for solving burnout is =  "It's essential to replenish your physical and emotional energy, along with your capacity to focus, by prioritizing good sleep habits, nutrition, exercise, social connection, and practices that promote equanimity and well-being, like meditating, journaling, and enjoying nature"

It's hard to do any of that when I feel like utter shit from my depression... Plus the seasonal depression and the continuous grief that comes and go.

Like... My sleep habits tend to always be shit, nutrition/exercise is difficult when severely depressed, social connections aren't really there or I just don't want to interact/be a burden to those around me when I feel this way (be a downer essentially), I don't meditate (never really liked it) or enjoy nature (due to bad/cold weather or bugs). And this blog is literally my journal.

Sigh...

Vent Post

 I can't seem to draw almost anything I want to draw. And I want to write fictional short stories and work on my comic/book. However, my creativity is very low. I can't produce any sort of project well. I look back on my drawings and writings and wish I could be able to draw/write like I used to. I struggle with drawing more than writing these days, though my story/comic/book feels more dragged out yet I don't want to rush anything. It's a slippery slope that is still a work in progress.

I think the reason I am struggling creativity wise is that I am depressed due to seasonal depression, regular depression, and grief as the holiday seasons arrive. It started around the week of thanksgiving and it's not gonna get better until after the Christmas season. I miss my mom immensely. And I don't have many people I can spend Christmas with, though I don't really want to expand my social circle. I'm bad at making new friends and people suck lol. Even me, I can be an awful person. Humans tend to be awful beings.

I'm also trying to feel this yearning for a romantic relationship with games that have romance in them (Mass Effect and Dragon Age). I wish I could find a game similar to those with romance in them. I've already played Fallout 4 and done with that game, Skyrim romances aren't really romance, and the other games I play don't have romance. I know I should re-do my Cyberpunk 2077 playthrough because of the updates and DLC release, but I have, like, comfort-game-syndrome. Meaning I don't want to play games that I haven't played yet and I want to play my go-tos (Mass Effect, Dragon Age Inquisition, Overwatch 2, ESO).

Also, I used to have two important people in my life who I decided to cut out despite them doing nothing wrong to me. I'm honestly not sure why I cut them out of my life but I did. I have no way to reach them now. And when I try to visualize them in my head they have like black scribbles over their face, making it hard to remember what they look like, though sometimes I get glimpses of what they looked like. I wish I never cut them out of my life. They were helpful rather than a hinderance. Fuck, why am I such an idiot like all the time???

My thanksgiving was depressing. I ordered like a meal kit from my local grocery store. And now I have all this food, some in freezer, and I just don't want it. I spent it alone, barely ate anything the day of and the day after. I felt so alone and pathetic...

I thought venting about what I'm feeling and thinking would help, but I only feel worse... yay...

3 Months Later

 November is about half way done.

All of October I was horribly sick. I still occasionally have very bad coughing fits to the point of throwing up/dry-heaving which is just SO much fun (insert sarcasm)

And September was a blur.

I had been working on my book until recently, feelin a little burned out and wanting to play more games. I've been playing Overwatch 2, ESO, Fortnite, and Hogwarts Legacy. I actually finished Hogwarts Legacy and thoroughly enjoyed every second of it and now I am trying to get all achievements. A few of them requires me to make 3 other character's and get to the Map chamber as the other houses (My first playthrough I was Ravenclaw.)

This is my character (before I found an awesome cloak/robe). I like making my character look fancy and nice, though I learned the Forbidden Spells from one of the main side characters. I liked some of the characters in the game, while others bugged the shit out of me. My second character is gonna be Slytherin, then Hufflepuff, then finally Gryffindor.

In ESO, I noticed that I have reached 3k hours in-game (yes, I have no life lol). And I've been trying to level a character for the new Endless Archives, because my main toon doesn't seem to be like strong enough or have enough DPS. The new character is a Sorcerer because I've seen vids of sorc wrecking face in Endless Archives.

OG Fortnite is out currently this season and it's been a ton of fun, despite only playing a few matches. I hope to play more matches, either solo or in duos with friends.

Overwatch 2 has been fun, especially because I've been playing with my friend. I've also been wanting to play more Competitive but at the same time OW2's new competitive system that's coming to the game in 2024 looks a bit better than the current way it works. Like if you get a win/draw, you get a measly 25 competitive points. And you dont get that much CP in the Bronze, Silver, and Plat when you get your Placement matches done. It's barely any incentive to play, unless that's all you play instead of Unranked/Arcade.

I've also been wanting to stream but my OBS crashes games, stops my internet browser/YouTube/Spotify, and doesn't want to work properly. I haven't found a work around yet. I hope I can one day figure it out the issue.

Another One Month (and 5 Days) later

 Where has the time gone?

I haven't done much which makes me feel sad... I have books on Buddhism and mangas that I want to read but can muster up the [insert word here] to do so. I have games I want to play (like Baldur's Gate 3 on PC and Mass Effect Andromeda Achievement-Hunting on Playstation) but I revert back to playing comfort games (Like Fallout 76, ESO, Overwatch, or Animal Crossing). I want to work on my book as well as continue to improve my art but I have a few issues.

A. I get nervous about starting it

B. I get upset when it doesn't work out because I have bad perfectionism when it comes to my creativity.

C. My creativity has been very low with small moments of allowing me to create and be happy with the pieces that come out of the moments.

On top of all that I HAVEN'T DONE, my depression and stress and sense of loneliness has been at a major high again, meaning that I feel so alone and left behind and depressed that my very very VERY bad thoughts are back but I'm trying to fight them off. Or rather, distract them with my comfort things.

The reasons I feel left behind is that I feel like I have barely anyone around me that was in my social bubble.

1. My aunt and uncle are moving away to California (which is okay because I never was close to them but it's another loss in the bubble)
2. My sister lives in Maine, which is a major ways away. Especially since I don't drive nor would I want to drive all the way there just to see her (we aren't that close either...)
3. My best friend, who I thankfully still am able to play games with and talk to, moved away from the hometown where I reside to live with her boyfriend (which I am glad they are closer together. I just don't get to see her in person anymore).
4. My mom passed away 4yrs back so that another person gone from bubble.
5. My friend doesn't talk to me and we haven't seen each other in a while. I like being his friend but at the same time he can be a bit...annoying. He literally pokes me and its annoying. I will say I'm grateful he is still around, like in-state.
6. My close family friend moved a while back to be near grandchildren many years back. Which again, isn't bad. It's she is closer to her family. And I am glad we still talk and she visits a lot. 

I sound selfish. Change is inevitable. It happens. People change. Need to move on for whatever reason. And it's not to say I don't like where I live. I like where I live. I like my apartment. And I don't have a reason to move. And even if I were to move, I have no clue where I'd move to. I dont want to move near my aunt and uncle for many reason. Same goes for my sister. I don't want to move near my best friend because she and I would agree it would only hurt our friendship, which I do not want to do...again... I like where I live for many reasons. Plus I have my cat, who I'd think would hate moving anywhere and is used to most of my "rules" of my apartment. And I know that I could expand my social bubble but that takes emotional and social work which is very tiring for me. And it's hard for me to make friends. I'm socially awkward. I'm nearing my 30's. I have low self confidence. And I barely leave my apartment. Even going to the grocery store can be draining and I dont even understand why.

Sigh...

I feel like a selfish loser who is also a failure right now...

Experiencing and Learning from the Buddha's Teachings (one month later)

 I've been spending the past few weeks reading about Ikigai, Ichigo Ichie, and Kaizen as well as exploring the wisdom and information about Buddhism and Zen Buddhism. The different of aspects of Buddhism peak my interest and the fact that it feels a bit more realistic and grounded FOR ME is helpful. As someone who is often anxious and/or depressed, finding Buddhism has helped me cope/deal and let myself feel those (along with other) emotions. Like, the Buddha taught that we are essentially prisoners of our own minds, bound by out beliefs, perceptions and ideas (which I find very accurate). We seen an inaccurate version of reality that causes us unnecessary suffering. Buddha's teaching help us after that perspective and learn that the unnecessary sufferings we experience has more to do with how we see things than what we see.

You're meant to put the Buddha's teachings into practice, not meant to be believed in, which is what I'm trying to do.

I'm trying to connect with myself and my inner kindness and compassion while learning to allow myself to feel the many different emotions that are a part of life.

I do try to meditate more often to connect with my inner self, nature and the universe.

[About] One Month Later!

 

I've been feeling a bit better, emotion wise. I've been cleaning/preparing for a family friend who's coming to visit. I'm excited for the day I do groceries this week because I've been craving to cook more and I am going to my local grocery store along with my local Asian Market. Maybe I've been in the mood because I've been watching some cooking TV Shows and Videos. I often love experimenting different ideas I get in my head for cooking. I will do that along with cooking some recipes I found in my cookbooks (the recipes for Karage, a Steak Sandwich from Sword Art Online, Korokke, and Coffee Jelly). They are actually based on Manga Books/Anime Shows which I think is really cool. I've made coffee jelly before and it was really good and I recently ordered some weird but tasty coffee beans so I'll be using one of those (either Cookies and Cream or the one that tastes fruity). 

I'm trying to "adult" more in the sense of keeping things cleaner than when I am depressed, cooking more than ordering food, work on my project. Hell, I'm getting a bedframe because for the longest of times I didn't have a bedframe and not because I was poor but because when I was really young (and kind of stupid) I took apart my bunk bed I had (because I was a curious kid) though eventually we had to toss it due to it breaking on important structural parts (lol, my bad). I will say being an adult is difficult sometimes. Like as an anti-social person who hates dealing with robots on important phone calls, makes phone calls for important things tedious. It's been very hot recently, or thundering, which makes it difficult for me to go outside to do trash/recycle runs (as I have to walk to the large bins) but I will do it if need be. 

I've also, in my spare time, been playing a ton of Mass Effect Trilogy (and some Overwatch 2, despite Blizzard being complete assholes but I don't want to get into that right now). I actually got through Mass Effect 1 and 2 over the course of like 3 - 4 days, again in my spare time. I'm now on Mass Effect 3 and just finished the Mars mission. I'm hoping that I can re-spec my talents with my Shepard because I dont like how they auto-set some of my talents. 

What do I want to do??

 I've been thinking about what I want to do with my life.

Like I still want to make my own manga/comic, eventually but I need to get my creative gears going again. Right now, my creative side and inspiration has disappeared. Maybe if I look at previous projects/artworks of mine I'd get inspired.

I also want to be a casual streamer of sorts. I'd stream more than before, eventually making a schedule. I know most of the games I'd play would be "older" games compared to new games. I would even stream when I use Clip Studio Paint to work on my project (maybe) but I don't my ideas stolen so I'd be vague about the information of the comic/manga. And in all honesty, I would be streaming just for myself not for the money (if I ever get there, I highly doubt I'd get there haha). 

These are things that I want to do.

Relaxing & Relationships [Kind of NSFW]

I've been playing a ton of Elder Scrolls Online (like 140 in the past two weeks). Its been my go to game of relaxation. I've also occasionally been playing Overwatch 2. Those two have been my go to games for trying to not let my emotions fall into a dark depression. I do notice the "whispers" of anxiety and the dreary emotions of sadness but I'm doing my best to ignore them. Been doing lots of things in ESO. From Guild Activities to Promoting my own guild to just casually fishing in the zone of Summerset (one of my top favorite zones).

--

On another side of things, I've been feeling somewhat lonely in a romantic relationship sense. Mainly because I've been reading romance manga/watching romance anime. However when I watch shows that are live-action (?) actors, I often skip over the romantic/"sexual" moments. It just doesn't interest me the way anime/manga does when it comes to romantic things (and yet I still watch p0rn, but feel somewhat unhappy that I've watched p0rn and "scratched the itch"). Even though I feel slightly lonely, I oddly gotten used to and enjoy being single. I don't have to worry about a whole other physical person that I want to have a romantic relationship with. I worry about myself along with others I care about enough as it is. I know if I want that kind of relationship I need to put in the work, which can be many forms of exhausting. I would try to put in the work if I had someone I really liked. But currently I don't have anyone physically I want a relationship with. Kind of wish I did but kind of happy I don't... I guess it really depends on the kind of person I meet and find interesting to me.

Maybe I should just play some games with more romantic aspects like Mass Effect or Dragon Age or even Stardew Valley or Cyberpunk 2077. I did really enjoy both Judy and Panam's romance in Cyberpunk 2077. (I've also kind of put a pause on doing achievement hunting for Dragon Age Inquisition because I've been having too much fun playing ESO and Overwatch 2).

--

I've been trying to force myself to draw or doodle something on paper despite my creative side being pretty much shut off currently, which sucks majorly. I got some doodles on paper, not so much drawings. I am not sure why my creative side decided to disappear but it has. I just hope it will eventually come back some day soon. 

My Current Mindset: Everything is Pointless...

 

My current mindset and thinking isn't too great. And I dont mean the normal depression and sad thoughts and self-loathing. My mind is currently thinking that everything I do and everything I want to do is pointless. There is no reason to do anything, even if it's just to make me happy. Because, in my mind, happiness is temporary due to the fact that I suffer from depression and anxiety (and probably some other things as well). I am trying to be like "It makes me happy. And even if it's temporary happiness, I should do X,Y,Z because it makes me happy and content." That thinking is kind of working but a large chunk of my brain is like "everything is pointless and nothing matters." I am trying to push past that feeling and just distract myself from the feelings of pointlessness. An example of something I want to do but seems pointless in the end is like Gaming things. Like I want to get certain achievements or accolades in games that I enjoy playing but it seems like it doesn't matter because it's just gonna be gone to the ether when I die (whenever that may be). Same goes for all my drawing goals and drawings I've done so far...

I wish my mind wouldn't be so... counter-productive and damaging to myself... 

March Updates

 I haven't posted since Feb 17th due to real life getting busy. Real life has calmed down though I will say my emotional state has been flipping all around. Let me give some organized updates (Gaming, Life, & Emotional).

Gaming: I've been playing Dragon Age Inquisition (still lol) along with achievement hunting through Mass Effect: Andromeda (and Dragon Age Inquisition). I am about five achievements away from Platinum on ME:A and on DA:I most of the achievements left are either Trials or Trespasser DLC achievements. I've also recently purchase Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II and been playing when I want to kind of zone out and just play something. In Overwatch 2, I've finally got the Zarya skin from the Season 3 Battle Pass which I'm happy about though I will say I haven't been playing too much recently. I haven't been in the mood to play ESO right now, though I log in to sell item(s) in the Guild Store of the Guild I am in so I don't get kicked from it. I want to play so many new (to me) games but I've reverted back to play "comfort" games (Dragon Age Inquisition, Mass Effect: Andromeda, Mass Effect Legendary Edition, and the occasional Overwatch 2 matches). I've also been on and off playing Cyberpunk 2077 and God Of War, which has been fun (I will say I've been playing more Cyberpunk 2077 even though I know God Of War is a really good game) I own God Of War Ragnerök and I really wanna play that but I need to play God Of War first!

Life: I had company over from the end of Feb to March 1st, which was very nice and productive. I've been trying to, in a sense, force myself to draw, write, and read Mass Effect Andromeda Nexus Uprising (I am on chapter 25 of 36). Reading is slow because A. I am in general a slow book reader, B. The book is a small novel so the words are a bit more pressed together which makes it a bit more difficult to read, and C. Some chapters are a bit long and I have little patience even though I REALLY want to finish the book and then read the next two books (Initiation and Annihilation). I've already read the three amazing books of the Trilogy (the last book doesn't count because there are so many flaws and lore mistakes in that. DO NOT READ Mass Effect Deception). Drawing has been tough even though I have the motivation. The creative gears are not moving even though I am trying to make them move. The question is, what will lubricate the metaphorical gears to cause them to go? I will say I have done a couple pieces/drawings that I am happy with. Writing is tougher than drawing. I have a thing I am working on but I keep putting it on pause because brain no wanna work though I want to work on it. I've been wanting to watch anime that I've started along with Last of Us on HBO Max and the Mandalorian on Disney+ but I struggle to focus on new shows even if they are really really good. I often put streaming apps (or YouTube) as background noise and I dont want to miss anything if I put those shows as background noise (and with anime I need to read subtitles to know what's going on). Focusing is very hard even though I have meds for focusing... Which doesn't make sense, I know, but sometimes I am able to sit and focus on a single episode per day or week. A lot of streaming shows are about an hour long and I, again, struggle to focus on something like a TV show for an hour. My birthday is coming up which I guess I am happy about. Though some things that come with having a birthday has been causing me anxiety. I can't say exactly what (incase certain people are reading this) but I'll do my best to stay calm and bite my tongue when needed.

Emotional: I've had some moments of deep thinking, I know this, but I can't remember the exact things I think of due to 1. Memory is garbage and 2. The deep thinking moments have been in a half sleep state so I often don't remember things in the half sleep state. (I dont know if this is Life or Emotional but) My subconscious caused me to dream of someone of my past whose attention I wanted. I thought I was over them but apparently subconsciously I am not. And I know for a fact I will never see this person nor never ever get the attention I want from them. I think my depression is starting to flare up again because I've been self-loathing and feeling really sad. I've also been feeling lonely even though I've been enjoying my time alone. It's a weird conundrum. 

The Past Week was Tough, but Things are Better (though not perfect)

 Last week (the week of the 6th of February) was a difficult week. It was the week of the passing of my mother, along with her birthday. It felt worse than last years except obviously the year it happened. I was in a really really really dark place. I wasn't willing to hear help from others nor wanting to talk to others. I will say I am not doing perfect now but I feel better. I felt the weight of darkness disappear on the 12th of Feb.

During that time, and after, I've been playing a TON of Dragon Age Inquisition. I've been playing on PC and PlayStation. I only have two achievements left on PC so I'm trying to get to the Trespasser DLC but I dont want to skip any mission/DLC. I've been really enjoying playing through Dragon Age Inquisition again (on different characters/platforms). I'm trying to get Leliana as Divine but I always seem to get Cassandra because I usually save Empress Celene and Exile the Wardens. I have a save on my PlayStation to go back to if I want to have the Wardens Join the Inquisition (I just have to make sure not to save over that spot lol).

I want to play mot Overwatch to get the Zarya items on the Battlepass but I've been having a lot more fun playing Dragon Age Inquisition. 

I wish I could playthrough Dragon Age Origins on PC without it crashing mid mission before I remember to save. I try to save as much as possible but the constant crashing I have to deal with is ridiculous. I've heard from others the Dragon Age Origins is one of the best Dragon Age games out there currently. (Luckily I recently ordered it for an older console. Hopefully I works out and doesn't crash at all or as much as the PC version.)

Distraction is the only thing keeping me sane

Distraction is the only thing keeping me sane.

I've been playing lots of Dragon Age Inquisition recently. Only 2 achievements away on PC to getting all achievements on PC. I want to play more Mass Effect Legendary Edition, to achievement hunt. I also want to play God Of War and Horizon Zero Dawn on PC.

I've also been drawing/sketching, trying to improve my artwork. I'm getting better at rough sketching ideas and such. I have a 2.0mm pencil for traditional rough sketching and I really enjoy using that pencil along with my favorite 0.5mm pencil.

I've been getting lost in thought and dreams, which explains why my sleep schedule is messed up. I like losing myself in fantasy/fictional world or my weird, yet nice, dreams that I cant control. Though when I have nightmares, it isn't that nice but that hasn't happened too often.

Bleh

 

My creativity when it comes to writing is starting to come out again, which is good except for the fact that it's only really working when it come to my Fan-Fiction for Mass Effect or my private/fictional story. Whenever I open the document for my new story idea I am working on, my brain is like HoW dO i WrItE?... Maybe I need to just go in and, in a sense, wing it. Just write without really thinking too hard about things. It's kind of what I do with the private/fictional story. And when it comes to writing the fan-fiction, I come up with ideas mainly on the fly and I already know the backstories and details about characters from the Mass Effect Franchise. I do make up some details or whatever though. With my new story idea, I want to know the backstory of my characters, what the time period the story takes place in, what the world is like, etc. etc. which makes it tough for me to come up with details on the fly... Though I could just try to do that...Just come up with details on the fly and make note of them as I go...

I think a big reason I've been writing so well is because I've been lonely recently. My family friend who I talk to everyday via phone call is busy having her own family visiting and I'd hate to bother her with a phone call of mine so I only text for now. And when gaming, I've been gaming mainly alone which I am used to. I am currently grinding out 250 wins (currently have 181 wins done) as Tank in Overwatch 2, which is obviously taking its time. I recently got some single player games downloaded so I feel invested in a story rather than feeling lonely in multiplayer games.

When I try to draw, recently, my drawings often dont come out how I like. I know it's due to me needing to study and learn things more but I have trouble retaining information in general. I'm forgetful as fuck. But I'm trying to take notes when learning/studying so I dont forget or so I can come back to my notes when I do forget.

Still feeling depressed about my mom being deceased.... Trying to distract myself with writing, gaming, or drawing.

To simply put it, I miss my mom...

 To simply put it, I miss my mom...

There is not unit of measurement or words to describe how much I miss her. Every time I would wonder if there is an afterlife, I would also wonder if I died too, would I be able to see her again?

My memory is garbage. And when I do remember shit, it's usually things that were bad of my past. The "good" memories or any memory that wasn't bad (or scarring) come at random times, in random moments that I cannot control. When I try to remember "good" times, I cannot usually do it. 

This ache, this pain, this....sadness... It hurts immensely despite being prescribed medication to help with depression, anxiety, etc. 

And it's hard for me to, like, grieve properly. It hurts too much then my emotions and mind kind of shutdown and I revert to saying/answering things with "I dont know" or "I dont know anymore"...

For the past couple of days/nights, I've been crying, which is something I try not to do because often I was told not to cry because it was a bad thing to do or something along the lines of that. And even in my own apartment, by myself, I try not to cry. And I know that I am "allowed" to cry but when something is told to you so many times in younger years of age, it kind of sticks...

What I like to call, the 3-Headed Demon of my mind (Depression, Anxiety, and Anger/Judgement), has been sending "whispers" that I should just kill myself. I am NOT going to do that. However, fighting against the "whispers" is emotionally exhausting. When I want to distract myself from the "whispers" (by gaming, drawing, or writing), I often just zone out in games where it's easy to do that and not become emotionally invested into it (for me, easy games are Overwatch 2 & Elder Scrolls Online). Some emotionally invested games that I enjoy are Dragon Age Inquisition, Mass Effect Series, Witcher 3, etc.

I feel empty and yet filled with sadness and depression. And some anger. Why her? Why not me? I've been in a weird wanting/not wanting suicidal limbo of sorts. My mom, from what I can remember, brought more joy and more to this Earth than I ever did or will do. I am a wannabe artist who can never seem to improve their art and can't hold myself accountable for anything, let alone an art project that I say I want to finish but barely work on. The only reason... The only fucking reason I am still alive is because I love my cat too much to abandon her. And that might be hard to hear for some. I know I would deeply sadden, maybe even disappoint, those close to me if I decide to leave this world early. But honestly... I don't care... I mean I care about their feelings and such but yet... I dont… Call me selfish, whatever...

I'm surprised I got a lot of this onto the post... I am now feeling myself begin to shut down...

I don't know... I just know that I miss my mom...

The gears are starting to go but...

 The gears of my brain and creative side are starting to go but I can already feel my mood and emotional state dropping due to the fact February is coming up, which sucks. I am trying to distract myself more so I don't feel the depression, sadness, and pain inside. I know it's not good to do this. I dont have any good reasons or excuses for doing things this way. I just do them this way. As long as I can push through, and distract myself through February, I will be fine.. I guess lol

Is it Brain Fog, Burn Out or Something Else?

 I am not sure what's going on with my brain. Though I am able to write these posts and such with ease, I am struggling to be creative right now. My creativity comes in bursts right now even though I really really REALLY want to be drawing. It's possible that my brain is being foggy. Another possibility is that it's a weird burnout. Could be something else for all I know. I am trying to get out of this lacking sense of focus. I look up reference images to get ideas to draw or I write down my ideas for later. Sometimes I have ideas but my brain goes "How Do?" when it comes to drawing things on paper or digitally. Its more of a struggle to put pencil to paper than thinking of ideas. But, dont get me wrong, coming up with ideas is still very hard too. I will continue to try and challenge myself through this challenging time (haha...) because I really do want to improve art and create a manga/doujinshi that spent lots of time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears on. I want to make it to my liking not just from a drawing aspect but also from a writing aspect. I know I can get out of this rut if I continue to work hard!

Challenging Myself

I've barely challenged myself for most of my life, if not at all challenging myself. I've decided to try challenging myself for once. With my art and project I am currently trying to work on. I want to create my own comic/manga book but for the challenging part I am going to work on aspects of the story that I never do. For example, whenever writing things, I tend to lean towards the fantasy side. But not this time, I am going to try a sci-fi route. And I want to try to finish, at least the story aspect and maybe some sketches or maybe more, by the end of this year. And I am going to try to stick to it. I often get distracted by videogames or YouTube. Don't get me wrong I still am going to play videogames but a bit less (hopefully) and put all my focus on my project. I will say that my brain power is at a low right now and I'm struggling to get my creative side (of creating stories and worlds) is not really working but I know if I continue at it that I will get out of this rut. I'll get the gears going again, I just know it. And I dont know if its a lack of some inspiration or if literally my brain is being slow due to the amount of sleep I am getting (which varies from too much to too little). I also, while doing my project, want to improve my artwork somehow because I want it to look better than it does now. It doesn't have to be super in-depth and stuff but I want it to be a little more detailed and not just the same drawings of stuff I normally draw. I mean I can still draw those things/OCs but I want to expand my horizon of things to draw. Might mean I have to go back to the basics or something... Or maybe actually READ the books I've gotten over the years about drawing rather than using them for just references (lol), along with an anatomy book I got that I actually did want to read. I might put a pause on the novel I was reading to improve art. Because I can always pick up the novel later.

On top of all that I do want to lose some weight this year. Doesn't have to be a ton of weight but I've gained weight over the years since the passing of my mother (sweets + snacks + some alcohol does NOT equal happiness, though it might temporarily which is why I would have things like that). But I am going to try to do some small workouts and definitely eat healthier (once I go grocery shopping). 

First Drawing of 2023 (the one on the Right)

I used Watercolor and Copic Markers (and yes, I know my copic marker technique needs work!)