Anxiety and Drawing

 Anxiety has been crazy. I have been panicking about Christmas (obviously if you've read my past three posts). But my anxiety has been worrying over things that I should have to worry about, at least right now. Breathing techniques can only do so much. My anxiety is dumb and I wish it would calm it's metaphorical tits over things that don't matter right now (like friend's inevitably passing away or wind storms causing major catastrophe SOMEHOW, like I can't even explain any of this). Just go to take one day at time and cross whatever bridges whenever they come and take things slowly.

On a lighter note, I've gotten back into the swing of things with drawing (mostly). And I've been enjoying it. One of my favorite drawing's I've done recently is the one of me and my "close" friends. (though my weight isn't accurate in the drawing because I struggle with larger body types, I'm actually quite short and chubby).

I'd Rather Be Alone For Christmas (Minor Update Again/3.0)

 The stress I've been having about Christmas and Family has been so overwhelming I had to resort back to the outlet of smoking a cigarette or vaping to calm my nerves. I dont care what the Anti-Tobacco Ads say, for me, the occasional cigarette or vape moment helps me through the extreme stress times that happen on rare occasion. I know some people would go to Weed/Edibles for their relieve of stress and anxiety but all that mainly does for me is make me super sleepy (and sometimes loopy lol).

This stress and anxiety feels as bad as it felt when I'd have to go to school (specifically Freshman Year of High School) and my anxiety back then was just god-awful. Also my ideations (NOT ACTION) of suicidal thoughts have snuck a few thoughts here and there in my mind from all of this. From me missing my mom, dealing with family, worrying about the future/next year, etc. 

The plan for Christmas is to have a cigarette/vape "break" (away from my apartment complex) before I head over to my aunt's place to help relieve some stress/anxiety. Because she causes me so much anxiety that when we are driving to her place I'll probably feel car-sick, and I don't even get car sick in the front seat! She just radiates a judgmental aura that causes me so much distress, if you couldn't already tell.

But I shall do my best to be strong and fight through. I'll be strong like Commander Shepard and fight back against the Reapers that are my family.

I'd Rather Be Alone on Christmas (Minor Update/ 2.0)

 As days pass and we get closer and closer to Christmas the more I become anxious, stressed and depressed. I honestly wish my aunt could like mail or deliver my gifts to me and just have a brief hello or sit in MY apartment where I dont feel as stressed. I know that sounds a bit weird but I've always felt less stressed when I'm at my house when I lived there or at my current apartment. That way I dont have to worry about like leaving when she wants me to leave. And I feel a little more in control of when its time for the gathering to end compared to her controlling it and making it feel never-ending. I still wish I could be alone for Christmas... And as bad as this might sound, the only way to truly "get out" from going to her house is to get really sick. Not saying I wanna be sick because being sick sucks but like if were to get sick, it would be like bittersweet or blessing in disguise or whatever. And I know if I was alone for Christmas I'd feel a bit alone which makes sense but it's more of a sense of missing my mom and wishing was here sense of lonely, not wishing to be with extended family.

If I could spend Christmas alone, I'd probably spend time gaming on computer (like playing Elder Scrolls Online or maybe some single player games like Witcher III or Mass Effect Series). Or maybe I'd draw/work on getting back into the swing of drawing as I've kind of been like not top of things relating to drawing.

I feel bad for my friends who I've complained to about my family situation because I hate complaining/venting to others besides therapist because I feel like I'm burdening them with my own issues/complaints. I know its not completely true but still feel bad.

Winter and Holiday seasons have been a bummer ever since my mom passed away in 2019. And then having my grandmother passing next year (?) or so after that, Christmas hasn't been the same. My Grandmother would spend lots of her money on knick-knacks in these very large stockings we had in our family. My grandmother kept everyone happy with gifts and love and my mom kept the peace so to speak. Christmas would often be at my house and we'd put on, or at least I would, a facade so no one was upset on Christmas. Getting gifts is almost always nice. But now, getting gifts with often some sort of attitude or passive-aggressiveness makes getting the gifts a bit less appealing. I often now have to like shut my mouth and never ever voice my opinion on anything because if I do, no matter what I say, my aunt and/or uncle would super annoyed/angry at me. So it's a mostly Mute Christmas for me.

I do apologize if I've repeated anything in this post from the previous post. I'm terrible at remembering things I've said or done.

I'd Rather Be Alone For Christmas (Long Vent Post)

 As much as I enjoy aspects of Christmas (The Food/Desserts, Gift-Giving/Gift-Getting, Tree Decorating even though I cant really do that right now) I honestly want to spend Christmas alone. My Family, well the family members I'd be spending time with on Christmas, are very hard to deal with and often have bad interactions (judgement, passive-aggressiveness, control, etc.) especially with my Aunt and my Uncle. They are very judgmental of me and my life, and there is no confronting them because it'd make things worse and never better (trust me I've tried). Things were better when my mom was around (and my grandmother). Everyone got along with everyone well enough and there wasn't spoken judgment like there is now. For example, my aunt said that I wasn't independent because, in her words, relied too much on a family friend. I just nodded my head and sat in silence (as it was during a car ride). But it's like, I'm never ever going to rely on her ever and I dont wanna rely on google for everything because it's the internet and you don't really wanna trust and rely on the internet for every answer in life. And I dont have many people who know answers to the question I have. So i go to said family friend for some answers. And, sorry not sorry, I've been independent every since my mom died and I've done most things on my own. I know I am independent. But hearing her hurtful and thoughtlessness hurts me. It always has. I wish I could like just cut her out of my life completely sometimes... because I remember distinctly on my 19th birthday she asked i wanted MY birthday cake or not. I was already upset so i ran up to my bedroom and sobbed until the family left. Out of my family members, I like my uncle who lives in CA most, then a tie between my cousin and sister (they arent great but they arent bad. They are good people trying their best) and tied at the bottom of the list is my aunt and uncle. I have friends who are higher on the list than them and if that makes me a bad person then fine I am a bad person. But I digress...

I really wanna spend Christmas by myself but I know I'll have to go to their house (hopefully driven by my sister and not my aunt) to be able to get gifts. If I have to be driven by my aunt, honestly I dont know what I'll do. I always have anxiety around her. And Anxiety +  her driving + more anxiety being stuck at her house until SHE decides its a decent time for me to go (because if I decide that I wanna leave before she does she'll be like you weren't here that long, why dont you wanna be here that long, blah blah blah and i just, as you can tell, don't wanna deal with any of that). If I could spend Christmas alone, I would. And if a Family member somehow reads this post. Sorry, Not Sorry about everything I said.

Wish I Could Draw, Playing Pokemon Instead

I've been playing tons and tons of Pokémon Scarlet, mainly shiny hunting. I currently have a Crabrawler, Skiddo, Zoroark, Cubchoo, Rellor, Mareep, Rolycoly, Sprigatito, and Slowpoke (along with the Cyclizar and Oinkologne). I have hatched tons and tons of eggs, most of the pokemon I found were in the wild though. I'm on and off working on getting a full dex of Shinies, so to speak. I have over 200hrs in the game and I have the shiny charm finally.

Though I've been enjoying playing Pokémon Scarlet (with some ESO and WoW in between, and maybe some Cooking Simulator and Timberborn) I wish I was drawing more. But every time I try to draw, my brain doesn't know what to draw or do... I've been here before and I have forgotten how I got out of this sort of rut. I'm trying to just draw anything but that doesn't seem to be working. And I haven't been working on my story for a long time now. It makes me annoyed and frustrated. And I wish I knew how to hold myself accountable better but I haven't really held myself accountable for things like drawing and writing. Maybe because I just dont really know how...

Shiny Egg Farming

 For the past couple days I have bred and hatched over 300 Eggs for a Rockruff shiny, and I am still currently hatching eggs because I still have yet to find it. I am very annoyed but Rockruff made this personal now for not hatching as a shiny. I am determined more than ever to get the damn shiny of his in Pokemon Scarlet! I WILL GET YOU EVENTUALLY ROCKRUFF YOU BASTARD!!! lol And yes im doing the Masuda method with a Japanese Ditto and an English Rockruff/Lycanroc

I've farmed Eevee which didnt take too long with egg farming. And Ive tried using herba mystica to find a shiny rockruff in the overworld and failed doing so. 

Things I am working on in Video Games (Even though I want to be Drawing)

So I've been playing a ton of Pokémon Scarlet. I have almost 80hrs in it and I bought it on Nov 19th. I am currently almost done with my Pokédex (all I need is Scizor, Slowking, and Miraidon. All which I am planning getting from a friend/evolving through trade with a friend). Once I get the dex done, I'll be shiny hunting for some pokemon I want shiny versions of.

Here is the list of Shiny Pokemon I am going to hunt for:

• Rellor (won't evolve this one)
• Zorua/Zoroark
• Driftloon/Driftblim
• Klawf
• Sandy Shocks
• Toedscool/Toedscruel
• Varoom
• (maybe) Ditto

That's the current list. The first one I am gonna work on is Zorua unless there are Mass Outbreaks from Pokémon on this list. (Literally while making this post, I just got a Shiny (Female) Lechonk which is one I really wanted!)

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I've been working on farming different mounts as well in WoW (World of Warcraft) whenever I'm not drawing or playing Pokemon (or while playing pokemon, I multi-task lol)

The mounts I am working on trying to get are:

• Mimiron's Head (Ulduar Raid)
• Midnight (Karazhan Mythic Dungeon)
• Flametalon of Alysrazor/Smoldering Egg of Millagazor (Firelands Raid)
• Spawn of Horridon/ Clutch of Ji-Kun (Throne of Thunder Raid)
• Thundering Cobalt Cloud Serpent (Nalak World Boss)
• Son of Galleon (Galleon World Boss)
• Cobalt Primordial Direhorn (Oondasta World Boss)
• World Gorger World Boss in Revendreth
• Famu in Revendreth
• Warbringer Mal'Korak in Maldraxxus
• Malbog in Korthia
• Felhounds of Sargeras (Antorus Raid)
• Nerissa in Maldraxxus
• The Exalted Night Fae Mount (I need more rep and anima though)

I know it seems like a lot, but i try to do it at least one full list through on my main which is now an Horde Dracthyr Evoker but sometimes I also do it on my Alliance Monk and my Horde Warlock.

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I have been slacking so much on Drawing because I've been finishing the story in Pokémon and working on filling out the dex (and doing World of Warcraft things) I need to figure out a time frame or whatever for when to draw. Or like a time limit or something...I want to be drawing more but I'm having so much fun playing games, more so Pokémon than WoW.

Pokemon Scarlet: A Review by Me (Not Spoiler Free)

 I've been play a ton of Pokémon Scarlet on the Switch and I will say, after reading and watching reviews, some of the reviews and remarks make sense. I'm going to list some pros and cons and then give a small opinion summary. Will make a note that I haven't completed the game completely. I've beaten every gym, got everything for Titans, and I'm up to the last antagonist base.

THERE MIGHT BE SPOILERS FOR SOME SO DON'T READ IF YOU DONT WANNA BE SPOILED

Pros:

•  New Pokémon to catch and learn about
• Doesn't have a linear story, has like 3 Story lines plus catching/collecting them all
• (Major Opinion) I normally choose water pokemon because they tend to have a better advantage throughout the game but I felt more inclinced to chose either Sprigatito or Fuecoco (the Grass and Fire type starters). I ended up getting Sprigatito and named it after my cat (and learning why my cat's name is banned in the game LMAO so I had to change it slightly).
• Through the Auto Battling System, the pokemon WON'T defeat a Shiny. Easier way to find shinies if you are hunting for them mindlessly (and yes you can see if they are shiny in the overworld)

Total Pros: 4

I am putting this opinion in the center as its a pro and con (in my opinion). The new Tera Forms and such are just like Gigantamax form except it changes the Pokémon's type depending on what Tera Form they have (like a Pikachu, and electric type, with a fighting tera form changes it to fighting.) It's a cool idea but at the same time its like meh... In all honesty, my favorite form changing thing was the Mega Evolutions with Mega Stones. Though I find this better than the Sun and Moon thing with the stone that gives a powered up move.

Cons:

• Graphical Issues (shadows glitching, quality sometimes dip in, FPS issues, etc.)
• When in a Union Circle with a friend, I would have loved to see their Pokémon evolve, their battles, and such.
• Sometimes the sandwich making with friends glitches
• Another, slightly different, graphical issue is when you have friends in your game (or you're in a friends game) the Pokémon bike sometimes glitches when jumping down.
• This is a major opinion con but the fact that you dont get Ultra Balls in the Shop til much further in the game, as well as other balls like Dusk, Nest, Quick. (I might have not noticed the others sooner but it felt like forever until i could get them in the shop
• As of right now, you can't change/customize your clothes (you can only change your hat, glasses, gloves, backpack, socks, shoes, hairstyle, and facial features). [Previously in Sword and Shield you could do all that AND customize clothing/outfits. I am hoping it will be an update AND NOT SOME CASH GRAB DLC but it will probably be a DLC Cash Grab...]
•  I wish there was a better way to see if you battled an NPC 
• A graphical laziness is using floor patterns but not aligning them and hair that clips through the face
• The fact that if you wanna make a sandwich but are in a friends game, you have to open your own picnic, you can't use your friends unless your friend starts it
• Boxes (like where your Pokémon go when your party is full) takes a bit to load no matter how many Pokémon you have in the bank/boxes

Total Cons: 10

So as you can tell, there are more cons and pros. Even though there are more cons than pros, I am still having a decent time playing. I just try to avoid the areas that have major graphical issues, doing anything that can cause me to glitch through the world, and avoiding anything that would cause issues. I am not sure how many hours I have in game but it's a decent amount and most of the time I am enjoying it. Maybe its because, despite the issues, I like games that have character. For example, lots of people hated/disliked Mass Effect Andromeda. And I admit there were some graphical issues but they did eventually fixed them. And I actually really enjoyed that game.

HOWEVER, I will say they should have polished this game up before sending it to be released. Lots of games recently have been released even though they clearly weren't ready to be released into the world. Don't listen to the people that want games to be released now as they are. Like yea I want the next mass effect or dragon age game out now BUT im willing to wait however long it will take to get the game in pristine and non-buggy way.

So my rating for this game is: 7/10

Small Update 11/25/22

I got my first shiny the other day

It was a shiny Cyclizar

Inking a Drawing

 Whenever I draw on the [deleter] comic paper, I always wanna use the [deleter] manga ink but I revert to using the liners/Pigma Microns. Maybe it's because its easy to get started with. All you need to do is take off the cap and then you're ready to go while manga ink requires me to constantly dip the pen so the ink doesnt dry and wiping the nib while its wet with ink (or cleaning it in warm water first). Or Maybe it's because I'm scared of smudging the hard work from inking a page with manga ink. I have Deleter Manga Ink 4 which is waterproof and solid black but it is NOT quick-drying. (I think I said this in a previous/recent post but) I recently smudged a piece I inked and I was very annoyed and upset with myself for doing that and felt deterred from doing it. I'm not saying I wont do it ever again but I'm nervous of smudging again..

I am just glad I am still motivated to draw most of the time though I am sneaking in playing World of Warcraft or Reading.

Books on My Backlog

I have so many books in my backlog...And on my breaks from drawing, I dont read even though I should. Instead I watch YouTube mainly or I play games... Here is the list of books I own and are on my back log:

• Mass Effect Andromeda Books (I own all 3)
• Legends and Lattes
• How We Began//How We End
• Witcher Books (I own 7 of the books)
• Look Back Manga
• A Man & his Cat (Vol. 7) Manga
• Apple Black Manga
• Saint Young Men (vol. 2-4, as I've already read vol. 1) Manga
• Turns out My Online friend is My real-life Boss!
• Ask Iwata
• The Cat Proposed Manga
• Kuma Kuma Kuma Bear Manga
• Law's of Attraction

And probably at least 4 other manga that I've put into my bookshelf and lost track if I've read them or not. Maybe because since its such a long list that I feel overwhelmed by it and just avoid it....I think if/when I do read books on my breaks, I shall start/finish Mass Effect Andromeda: Nexus Uprising as I'm already half way through the book or so. 

Writer's Block//Drawer's Inspiration

Though I have been on a roll with drawing and sketching, my creative side when it comes to writing has been very lacking. I am struggling to find the words and detail to add to my writing. I have been having more fun with drawing random things like Fursonas or Gifts for Xmas for friends/family or even sketching random things compared to drawing/sketching things out for my story. I'm not sure why. Like I really want to get my book/comic done at some point in my life, sooner rather than later but I cant seem to do anything for it anymore. And with the writing, I've only got 13pgs done. I wish I had more and more details in the stuff I've written so far. But my brain doesn't want to do anything for it while my heart and soul does.

Any sort of writing I try to do, story/fanfiction wise, doesn't work out. Which again isn't a bad thing considering I'm drawing up a storm but at the same time, I wish I could write things in a story manner.

I am happy though that I've been on a drawing kick. For a while there, I wasn't drawing at all and my brain and creative side wouldn't allow it. That's probably due to my depression being at its darkest.

Deleter Comic Paper, Legends & Lattes, and Gift Giving (for Christmas)

 I (re)discovered that Deleter Comic/Manga Paper is very nice to draw (and obviously ink) on. I had forgotten for a good amount of time about how good it was and how I ordered 200 Pages of it (technically a size a big bigger than I wanted but its still good). I've been using I recently on a couple of drawings and re-drawings though I cannot share them due to NSFW style drawing. The comic paper I have has the markers for the outlines/borders/frame marks. If I use this on the manga I am creating then I will know where the gutter is and the cut off on pages are and other such things.

I recently also tried to ink with Pen Nibs and completely ruined it because it wasn't dry yet. I was so discouraged but now I know to wait a long(er) time before erasing than before. I will say I was really sad when that happened and no amount of whiteout or white ink could fix it.

Oh and I found (and bought) a book called Legends & Lattes by Travis Baldree. From what I read on the back, it sounds very similar to the original manga I was going to do. I'm glad I changed my story up now. I hope to read the book while on my drawing/writing/note-taking breaks. Its 296 pages. There is a Barnes and Noble Exclusive if you can find it (which is the one I have) but I attached a link to the Amazon one because it's cheaper on Kindle. it's been getting good reviews and ratings all around and Barnes & Nobles says its on of the Best Books of 2022. I was lucky as it was the last copy at my store which made me feel a sense of happiness and joy (I also have two mangas I want to read so I'll probably do a mix between manga and novel).

I've done Christmas Shopping for most people in my life. I still need to figure out what to do/get for some family members. I have about 3-4 members I need to do/get something for. I know it seems a bit early but its better to get it done now while things are still in stock rather when its closer to Christmas and things are out of stock. I might have also bought a controller holder for my PC/Xbox Controller but I hope my favorite (and a bit expensive) mechanical pencil will sit properly on it haha. Consider it an early gift to myself.

[Long Post] I've Already Decided on A New Year's Resolution (or whatever)

 

It's very similar to my resolution of this year but let's call it the 2.0 updated version of the resolution.

Since I've been drawing tons more, due to inspiration, motivations, and medication (prescribed by my psychologist), I decided to continue from mid/late October of this year (2022) into the next year.

I am taking just the same amount of time, if not more time, to focus my mind/heart/and soul to do anything relating to learning about drawing or doing more drawing.

From learning more about anatomy to practicing inking with either liners or pen nibs and ink to watching videos of drawing tips and trick (and taking notes along the way) to just sketching or drawing ideas and/or original characters.

Some Youtubers I recommend for Artists/Manga Artist-wannabes

Whyt Manga

Drawing Like A Sir

Marc Brunet (here's a vid where he recommends other artist)

DD Markk

(There are so many others though, some that I don't even know, but these are the ones I mainly watch.)

I shall also try to continue drawing a character from Oct 29th 2022 (when I started) to Feb 3rd 2022 or so, until I get 100 different types of characters, not limited to just human (hopefully).

I want to also try to sketch then draw then ink (with pen nibs) manga panels from either manga I own or manga panels I find on the internet as a learning experience of manga paneling and practice with pen nibs.

While doing all of this, over time of course, I am going to try time how long it takes me to draw or limit myself to a specific time for drawing.

I know I am doing most of this for the rest of 2022 but I want to continue the momentum for next year and further if possible.

I need to make use of my Wacom One (desktop/computer) tablet and maybe a little less of my iPad. Procreate has so many pre-installed brushes though lol. I say this mainly because I eventually want to validate an upgrade to my desktop/computer tablet once I get money somehow. 

I also need to invest some money in Bristol Paper as it is recommended for use of Copic Markers, which I also want to practice.

I recently, like today, found some sketchbooks that are about 6" x 8". I need to use those too, work on smaller drawings rather than bigger drawings.

Things I need to work on:

• Different Clothing Styles and Clothing Creases
• Backgrounds in General (buildings, forestry, etc.)
• Different Body Types
• Different Hairstyles than I'm used to
• Facial and Body Expression (like a aggressive or arrogant character) + adding more feeling in the poses (like hugging)
• Hands and Hand Poses/Positions
• Figure Posing
• Bare Feet
• Different Types of Eyes
• Perspective
• Variety in Character Creation
• And Probably some other things.

Lots to do for the rest of the year and next year and I am already making some progress. Slow and Steady wins the race and Practice makes Perfect (or at least better)

I know it might seem like a SHIT TON of things to do or work on but this is what I want to do and improve on. Drawing is how I escape from reality and distract myself from my depression, anxiety, paranoia, and stress. It's also fun despite it looking like a lot of work to do. 

And Don't worry, I am making sure I take breaks for meals and my hand/wrist. I am doing things to stretch and relieve tension/minor pain in my wrist and hand. And I have a bandage on my middle finger to try and help get less of an artist's/writer's callous. I also take breaks to play games (either solo or with friends) like Overwatch 2, ESO, or Assassin's Creed Valhalla. I don't want to take too long of a break because that might mess with my flow that I have currently.

Meet the Artist//Art Schedule//Water-Coloring

 

I decided to make an updated "Meet the Artist" image. I used Procreate on my tablet. 

I have designated days for different aspects of my art I want to work on.

Here is the Schedule (though it's not super strick):

Monday: Clothing Styles

Tuesday: Timed Drawings, Note-Taking, and Typing my Story

Wednesday: Backgrounds (building, forestry, indoors, etc.)

Thursday: Body Types + Hairstyles

Friday: Facial Expressions

Saturday and Sunday (and Some of Friday) I try to relax and play videogames but I do draw still because often I feel like I should be working on my drawing skills. Or my writing skills in someway. 

I also want to do some more water-coloring drawings. I did one, and only one, so far. And I really enjoyed it. And the piece I did looked like this

So I've been drawing... Like a lot (Long Post)

 

Drawn Nov 1, 2022 via Procreate.

I've been drawing lots and lots since like mid-October. Maybe it's due to my new meds or maybe because I am feeling inspired. I have drawn 22 drawings, probably more, since mid-October. 

I have also "set off on a quest" to draw 100 different characters that aren't related to the story I am currently working on nor characters I've already created. I started that "adventure" on Oct 29th and have done 6 Characters so far (did 2 in one day). I'm tryin to get one character per day. Target date to finish is 100 days from Oct 29th, which is Feb 6th 2023. But if I can finish earlier the better. I am also trying to time myself while drawing so I dont spend too much time on a single drawing though it really depends on what kind of drawing. Sometimes though I wont time myself because either A. I want to spend a good amount of time on the piece or B. I completely forgot to time myself.

I recently read The Shounen Jump Guide to Making Manga. It was very helpful with different aspects of creating manga (and if you hit a wall during the process) and gave me some insight into the popular mangaka's mind and workday. I highly recommend reading it if you are interested in the manga making process or if you want to become a mangaka (manga artist). Just dont feel overwhelmed when you read about all the different mangaka's processes and skills.

I'm trying to use my tablet more when drawing though I will often go to my pencil and sketchbook because I am used to pencil and paper more. But the only way I am going to get better with digital art is to use my tablet. I was very surprised to all the different "brushes" on the Procreate app on iPad. There are so many. I find it fun to try different effect brushes like the flare or the snow.

Even though I've been drawing much more I do try to play games on my break(s). Like I've been playing tons of Overwatch 2 [even though the store is way overpriced and the reward for credits for Weekly quests is abysmal). It can be a mix of fun or disappointing. I also still play ESO or I play Assassin's Creed: Valhalla on Console. I also make sure I have Lunch and Dinner, Breakfast varies from just Coffee to Coffee and a Bagel with Cream Cheese. 

I also have a sketchbook where I am jotting down things I like/enjoy/or find interesting. Its actually been quite fun drawing things like that. I've already got 15 pages (more or less) filled with such drawings. I have to wrap the pages with printer paper or lined writing pad paper so the pages dont bleed onto the next one while I draw on either side. Like I kept having to erase pencil marks that would in sense bleed onto the other page.

I actually had to purchase more sketchbooks via Amazon because the last four I had were designated for

1. Regular Sketches

2. 100 Characters

3. Two Page Manga Sketches (with or without Prompts)

4. Redrawing Manga Panels (to analyze later, though I haven't started in this sketchbook yet).

So I bought 4 more, hopefully for sketching in general. I also bought a stand for my iPad which e r g o j o s h on YouTube suggests in this video (which starts at the point where he mentions the stand I got.

I've also cleaned up my desk and side area. It might not seem organized but for me, its organized lol.

And that's what I've been up to.

Hope anyone who reads this has a great day!

Uninspired yet Motivated

 Im feeling very uninspired despite feeling very motivated to draw. But I cannot put pencil to paper easily (or tablet pen to tablet). I'm going to try to spend all of September focused on getting inspired to draw and improving my art by either reading books I own, watching anime that get me inspired (or youtube videos), or practicing technique of different tools of trade (from pencil to copic markers). That's the plan anyway. Hopefully I execute it well enough.

My Body My Choice! Even as a non-binary person

I am angry. I’ve been angry many times in my life but I have never been so pissed off, upset, frustrated and depressed all at once. The fact that abortion is being outlawed in many states makes me so pissed the fuck off. I am, for now, lucky to be living in a state that still has facilities available to me if I ever need it. But what about those in states that are outlawing abortion and the pill? The Women, the Trans-Men that havent undergone bottom-surgery, the young girls who are underaged, the non-binary beings with a reproductive system like a female, and the victims of rape and incest are not protected because of the overturn of Roe v Wade. I worry about their lives and if they end up commiting suicide because they don’t want to have child because they arent able to get the HELP they NEED. Like, that person who you see in the news that was raped by whoever is someone’s child. They have a life they once enjoyed and now is upset by an unwanted child. And instead of giving them the choice of their OWN BODY, they will either have to bring the child to term, find a way to get the help they need without getting caught, turn to self harm to end the process before the child is born, force a miscarriage, or [sadly] ending their life due their pain caused by either the unwanted child, rape, incest, whatever reason. Fuck. I don't want to see the decline of people because of such a fucked up decision by some Court that thinks they are aLl-KnOwInG for humanity. Bunch of old, backward ass, religiously motivated trash. Not all of the them but the ones that allowed this to happen arent human, they are trash. Literal trash. GODDAMMIT I want to scream at the top of my lungs to be heard that ITS NOT THEIR BODY, ITS MY BODY MY CHOICE!

 And abortion is also helpful for those with complications.

Doing Work!

I have been working on a project that means a lot to me. I will say I havent been working non-stop like I want to due to my overwhelming want to sleep lol even despite taking my medication that is meant to keep me awake. But when I am awake, I work on this project a lot, taking small gaming breaks/meal breaks. There is still a lot to do with this project but I am hoping to finish it before this time next year.

I have spent a lot of time hashing out details (and drawings, hint-hint) for this project. I hope it comes out to my liking. I need to redo a few things but right now, its coming out to my liking.

My Review of Elder Scrolls Online (a Game I have literally "no life-ed" in and spent 2000+ hrs in)

 Last time I wrote a review its was on Steam with only about 300hrs in which was four years ago.

What is Elder Scrolls Online? Or ESO?

ESO is a MMO that is based off the Elder Scrolls World with Lore/Characters/Etc from previous games of the Elder Scrolls Series (such as M'aiq the Liar and Morrowind/Vvardenfell)

Where have I been the last month? (And other things)

 

I did not post on here for the entire month of April due to being very busy in real life. With my birthday (which felt more like an entire week of fun stuff) and a family friend visiting/staying at my place plus the Elder Scrolls Online Jubilee Event, I was preoccupied and wasn't able to really get on to my PC or have time to think of post(s) to make. Now, as the first day of May, I have had time to think and make some things I want to post about.

Why I love and hate fishing in Elder Scrolls Online

Near the end of April, I was able to get back into my daily things to do in gaming, especially in ESO. My favorite thing to do is turn off Zone Chat then go fishing in Summerset. Its really relaxing things to do. I love fishing in Summerset especially because A. its beautiful there and B. Pyandonean Bottles (iykyk). But my major gripe about fishing is that you can only filet one fish at a time with a small cooldown until the next filet. It just feels so slow sometimes. You cant spam the filet button like a container or whatever.

Why Competitive Overwatch is such a pain

I love playing Overwatch (especially with a friend or two). Competitive is okay if you dont take things too seriously to the point of rage. I mean you have to give it some seriousness, like with trying to win so you can earn Competitive Points and get good SR. I wish that you earned more than 15 damn points per win. And depending on your rank, you can either get minimal amount of points (25 per role in Role Queue) to a decent amount (650 per role in Role Queue) but thats only for grand master. Im stuck in Bronze right now which means I will get about 50 points per role as I queue as Healer or Tank (or Flex). And Gold Weapons are worth 3000 points. I wish you earned some points for how well you did in a match no matter if you lose or not, even if its a small amount. I currently have like 300points and i need 1700. So if I do the math 1700 divide by 15 which means i need about 114 WINS to get it (remember thats not including the End of Season Rank Rewards). I am at least somewhat learning from my mistakes per match.

I feel like I have to not play Quickplay next season and play ONLY Competitive to have a chance at getting a gold weapon (well another, considering that I have Zarya's gun gold.) I want to either get Rein, Reaper, Ana, or Mercy's Gold weapon.... Just taking forever. :(

My Birthday is April 1st By The Way

My birthday this year is going to be good because I have plans on and after with family. And honestly, despite my previous blog posts about how I never got along with family, I am happy to be spending it with family. I am on better terms with my Aunt and Uncle and they dont "deadname" me which is very nice.

The only gripe I have about birthday is that I dont have a day (yet) where I am spending it with friends. Its understandable because they have lives and jobs and stuff. I get that. I do. I just wish I could spend it with my buddy Stanz or maybe spend it gaming online with my Call of Duty Buddies. But we'll see how I am feeling because I haven't been in the mood to play CoD. Mainly been playing Dragon Age Inquisition, Elder Scrolls Online, or Apex Legends (recently got an heirloom for the first time). I want to like playing Warzone and Call of Duty Vanguard but I haven't in the mood but maybe if I start playing I can get in the zone like I do with Apex Legends.

Forcing Myself to do what I love

 I have been trying to push through the neutrality and no-enjoyment of things to at least play games even if it feels like going through the motions. It's easier to mindlessly play Elder Scrolls Online compared to an Insanity Playthrough of Mass Effect Trilogy or even a Casual Playthrough of Dragon Age: Inquisition. There is even a bonus even going on right now (March 17 - March 22, 2022) where there is bonus XP-Gain, Gold-Gain, and Harvest Nodes Loot. They probably implemented it because the Dungeon Queue is currently very broken and things at night to seem to get laggy-er for people. I mean it happens with most of their big updates, this update being update 33 + Ascending Tides DLC.

I haven't tried the new dungeons because A. Dungeon Queue is broken and B. I just want to be alone mostly. I mean I lurk in the guild chat, rarely saying anything. I need to level up My Necromancer and one of my two Nightblades because those are the two classes I dont have Maxed out at level 50. But I also want to take advantage of the increased harvest node loot on my main...

In all honesty, I dont really want to do anything but I am forcing myself to, hoping that this feeling will go away. I really just want to lie in bed, with music playing, and let myself zone out even more than I am already. But I feel like that is bad for my brain and my emotional state of mind. And even when I do, like, lie in bed to go to bed and zone out to try and sleep, I feel like I need to be doing something even though I dont see my enjoyment currently.

Maybe I'll find enjoyment in a couple of games that are coming out next week. Tiny Tina's Wonderland and Ghostwire: Tokyo. Or maybe I'll find enjoyment on my birthday because I have stuff I am going to be doing that midday at least. Honestly, I dont know. But I can hope.

Currently I've lost Enjoyment on Things in My Life

I feel blocked out in my own mind. I can't draw or write stories even though I really want to. I can't see my creativity whatsoever. I don't feel like I am enjoying my usual hobbies, or at least the one I can do which is video games. I try playing Elder Scrolls Online or Mass Effect (my top two favorite games) and I dont feel enjoyment. I feel like I am just going through the motions. I end up not playing much and stare/watch some TV shows or Movies on one of many streaming platforms (Disney+, Netflix, Paramount+, Hulu, HBO Max, etc.). And even though I am watching a show I like, I'm not enjoying the show. It feels like I'm just staring at the ceiling that has TV on it, or something like that. The one thing, at the beginning of this no-feeling and neutrality, that I enjoyed was the Disney+ Movie Turning Red. But that was at the beginning when I kind of enjoyed things. But now it feels much worse than before. Or rather, I dont feel much of happiness or enjoyment as I did before. I do somewhat feel sadness but even that is like not completely there, so to speak.....

I have no idea what to do to solve this issue... But I wish I could enjoy anything right now. Games, Drawing, Writing, Daily life things. ANYTHING!

Lost in Thought & Other Thoughts

 

I've recently been kind of zoned out, maybe even dissociative. Sometimes it's a lost in thought kind of zoned out, other times I'm just zoned out without barely a thought.

It's been hard to focus on my artwork things or gaming things. Though I will say, its easier to focus on gaming things than drawing things. That causes minor frustration because I want to be doing artwork things compared to gaming things. Writing also seems like its comes easier than drawing.

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I've been playing Assassin's Creed Valhalla on PC (I technically finished main game on PS4) and it's been crashing a lot. Eventually when I get upset from all the crashes, I decide to play Elder Scrolls Online or Mass Effect 2.

I am almost done with my preparation playthrough of the Mass Effect 2 to gather weapons and armor for my Mass Effect 2 Insanity playthrough. I will say, I find it dumb that in Mass Effect 2 New Game+, you dont get to keep upgrades that you've gathered after doing so much planet scanning. It really is annoying considering on my current casual playthrough I gathered sooooo many upgrades for Weapons, Medi-gel and Health. I am happy that you get to keep weapons, armor, and heavy weapons from the previous playthrough (like the M-920 Cain, Kestrel Armor, Mattock Assault Rifle, and Phalanx Pistol. Those are key things for the Insanity Playthrough. At least from what I have read on forums and reddit). My current Shepard, Maxx Shepard, is a soldier class because that's what is recommended for the Insanity Playthrough on ME2. I might change him to Sentinel for ME3 but we'll see. I have to say the Soldier class is a decent class in ME2 with good abilities. Disruptor Ammo is good for the synthetic enemies (Geth) and shields while Incendiary Ammo is good for all other enemies and damaging armor. I dont use Cryo Ammo at all. Occasionally I use the Concussive Shot to either do damage or send enemies away, giving distance between me and them. I'll need to use Adrenaline Rush more when I do my insanity playthrough. And for bonus power I chose Geth Shield Boost to be able to bring up my shield when it gets knocked out. My go-to squad-mates are Miranda and Garrus (and sometimes Mordin). Their abilities give me the power to get rid of Shields, Armor, and Barriers. Mordin's Incinerate is better for Armor compared to Miranda or Garrus's abilities but Garrus has a sniper rifle and I have incendiary ammo to make up for that when Mordin isn't available or I dont want to take him on a mission (I also think that squad-mates are very squishy in Mass Effect 1 and 2 compared to Mass Effect 3).

On another note, I have a love-hate relationship with Apex Legends. I love it because when you're in a fight you aren't getting boxed in by someone building a dozen walls and floors (like in Fortnite) and I like the characters and weapons and most maps. However, I hate all the hacked enemies. And usually I start off with "practice/beginning" round because I have to like get into the zone and stuff. And often my aim sucks with most guns. My best guns are the wingman and R-301. Sometimes the R-99. And on a rare occasion I can get a single shot off with a sniper like the Sentinel. But all other guns I am terrible with....I also dont really have a main apex character. I like Octane, Revenant, Pathfinder and Lifeline but I mainly play what's needed for the Weekly Challenges for the Battle Pass (this recent BP wanted me to play Gibraltar which I am okay at I guess.).

Things I want to do vs Things I am doing

 I've been wanting to do a lot of things this year (and only been doing a small amount of them).

Here are the things I've been wanting to do (why I haven't been doing it):

• The Number one thing is that I want to focus more on my drawing/writing skills whether it be on traditional paper or digital paper (as they have deteriorated a little bit since 2019)
• Mass Effect Legendary Edition Playthrough PC (technically I am on Mass Effect 3 but I've back tracked a little to Mass Effect 2)
• Mass Effect Legendary Edition Insanity Playthrough/Achievement Hunting PC (I've finished Mass Effect 1 with about 100 saves lol, now I am on my Mass Effect 2 Casual Playthrough to gather Weapons and Armor for Mass Effect 2 Insanity Playthrough.)
• Dragon Age: Inquisition Achievement Hunting (I've been WANTing to do that but most of the achievements I need are the Trial Achievements which can be buggy and annoying)
• Yakuza Series Playthrough (I own all 7 on PS4 but I haven't really played them due to the fan on my PS4 going crazy when I play Yakuza Kiwami 2, which is the one I am on).
• More ESO Things like Farming Armor/Monster Sets, earn gold, level my alt characters, etc etc. (I log in to do my daily crafting writs but that's about it recently.)
• Watch more Anime (haven't felt like really sitting down and watching even though I was enjoying the anime I am currently watching, which is Kuroko's Basketball).
• Read more manga and novels (have difficultly sitting down and focusing on the item I am reading).

I really should just focus on one but I have focusing issues, along with patience issues and perfectionism issues (the perfectionism is more so with my drawings than gaming).

Its been 532 Days = 1 Year and 167 days since I've posted on here.

Some stuff has changed in my life over the course of a year and 167days. 

I go by Max now, instead of Mark for instance. I feel more Non-Binary, rather the feelings of being Transgender FTM. (I dont care about pronouns for myself, just get my name right please).

I've been trying to dedicate my time (and mind) to focus on my drawings and writing, compared to gaming all the time. Though I must admit its not going according to plan due to my brain and creativity being a little slower and my frustration on a high with little to no patience for minor mistakes in the artwork. Whether it be traditionally with Pencil or digitally with the Wacom One, I am trying my best to work on drawing and make improvements.

I've been wanting to watch more anime but it's difficult in the sense that I have to sit down and focus on the show and read subtitles. I can't just turn on an anime and draw while watching because I might miss out on something important. The current shows I am trying to watch though are Kuroko's Basketball, My Dress-Up Darling, and Free! Iwatobi Swim Club. And I have backlogged lots of Manga which I will get to in time, my free time that is.

I found a new singer that I thoroughly enjoy. Her name is Becky Hill and she has an amazing voice and awesome songs. My favorite, and her most recent, song is Run by Galantis and herself. I also enjoy the song Here For You by Wilkinson and Becky Hill. I still enjoy Porter Robinson and Krewella.

My "best friend" from Elementary/Middle School has ghosted me (which is ironic considering her boyfriend goes by the name Ghost). I've pretty much come to accept that if she wants to contact me she will but if she doesn't then oh well, another friend lost for me (which is a little depressing considering that I have only a few friends, all older than me though).

I have been working on losing the weight I gained after my mom passed away (you know, from stress/depression eating). I've been walking more and getting out of the apartment more which is good.

Recently my depression has been flicking on and off like a light switch and it's a bit frustrating because I go from 0 to 100 in an instant. I will say that my mood seems a bit stable right now though I have been in a more zoned-out mood. Like all I want to do is listen to music and zone out in thoughts. Maybe that's why I decided to post here on my blog. Its a place where I can just type and vent my thoughts and annoyances.

Hopefully this year I will keep up with this blog a bit better than last year, especially considering that I didn't post a single time at all last year.